2015: The Year Where I Learnt To Let Go

Well, where do I even begin? I have so much to say! Let's start at the beginning... (of this year).

The last time I wrote here, the 29th of January to be exact, I made bold claims of writing my very first novel, and having it finished by the end of 2015. I would complete it for sure, go on to have it published, and live happily ever after. Except, that's not what happened at all.

Much to my disappointment, I wrote just less than half of my book. There are many reasons for this, ranging from "I was just too busy" to "I didn't feel like writing today". The former isn't a lie, not by any means - I genuinely did have a busy year! The latter, well, I tried forcing myself to write on certain occasions, and more often than not, I deleted whatever words splashed out. I will never force myself to write creatively again. I know the words will come, whenever they are ready.

So alas, no book from me I'm afraid, not just yet. Next year though, I'm confident I'll have it completed!

And yeah, that's all I had planned for 2015. All I wanted to do was write a book, but little did I know that there was so much more waiting to happen...

2015 started out alright, but in March, something terrible happened. I lost an uncle to cancer. It wasn't just any old uncle either - it was my dads brother - a second father.

He had been battling the disease for close to 10 years. We always knew that there was the possibility that he would lose his life, but never in our wildest dreams did we think it would happen so suddenly. What was meant to be an overnight hospital stay resulted in him slipping into a coma. We lost him a few days later...

That same old wound of a loss, barely sealed, hardly scarred, was opened afresh. I mean, we had lost another uncle a few months before, and my dad back in 2013.

To put it bluntly - my family was having a fucking terrible time. The losses were coming in, thick and fast it seemed, and just when we thought everything would be ok, we were struck down again and again. 2015 was off to a very shitty start.

On the surface, I kept up my old facade. By all means, anybody seeing me from the outside would think I was alive and well. The scary truth, and it honestly still haunts me to think about it now, is that on the inside, I felt completely dead. What scared me the most was that I didn't feel sadness. All I felt was, well, nothing. I was completely numb.

I don't know if I was capable of processing any emotion properly. Whatever situations confronted me, ones that should usually get somebody to feel something, washed over me completely. I sound melodramatic, no doubt, but I didn't feel any emotion on a large scale, and that's the truth.

That other old wound remained too. You know exactly which one I'm talking about - Amber. Year after year, I hoped that she would open her eyes and see me, and accept all I was willing to give. This year, that sentiment remained, though admittedly, much weaker than it had ever been.

Still, if you've read my blog over the years (all 0.23259 of you) you'd know that I've called it "Never Give Up" for that specific reason. I would never give up on the dream of being with this person, even though by all means, we obviously don't match with each other, and things were dangerously toxic to say the least.

Let's just say that I am a pretty stubborn guy - and that is one hell of an understatement (hint: I'M VERY FUCKING STUBBORN). I refused to give up.

Long story short- there was nothing happening there. Again. As much as I willed myself to keep hanging on, to keep being there (in whatever capacity), nothing ever came to fruition. All I was doing was hurting myself due to my ridiculous expectations and the resulting letdowns.

So yeah, I wasn't in a great place. My family was losing important members at an alarming rate and my love life was non existent. That, and I felt more lonely than ever - my close friends seemed awfully scarce too. The combination of all of these left me in one very, very dark place.

And then I met Miss Tweedy, and everything changed.

I've been wanting to write this post all week. I've been formulating it in my head over and over again, trying to grab the right words to express my thanks to this exceptional female. Sitting here now though, I really am at a loss for words. I can't encapsulate everything, I really can't, but I'll try...

Miss Tweedy, you have honestly brought me back to life. You have filled my heart with love, and kickstarted it into existence again. For that, I am eternally grateful.

You are so talented, so beautiful, so uplifting, and so so much more! I truly don't know what I would do without you in my life - you are so intertwined and a part of it now. The past few months have felt like long years, and I mean that in the best way. What an adventure!

I am quite easily the luckiest guy in existence! Thank you for accepting me as I am, and for loving me like you do. I've never been the recipient of such kindness and care from a partner. Forgive me if I've been slow on the uptake - I'm still adjusting to this overwhelming love you are constantly providing!

Were it not for you, this year, 2015, would've passed by without me even paying attention. Thank you for getting me to sit up and take notice again. I love you, so so so much, and I can't wait to dive into 2016, and the years to come, with you by my side!

And yeah. that's me. Seems that being stubborn and refusing to give up was the wrong move. Learning to let go though... that was difficult, believe you me! I took that plunge though, and I am beyond happy at the outcome.

I'm brimming with happiness again, and excited for the future. Who would've thought that one person could have such an effect? Nothing seems to capture how I'm feeling more than this latest song from Coldplay...



Now I feel my heart beating
I feel my heart underneath my skin
And I feel my heart beating
Oh you make me feel
Like I'm alive again

2015, filled with downsides no doubt, carried so many positives. I got over some issues, found love along the way. Heck, this year, I even became an uncle, and later, a Godfather. What's not to be happy about?

2015: One Novel Coming Right Up!

Hello!

I've just realised that I blogged a whopping three times in 2014. THREE!

You'd think I've spend little to no time writing, and you'd be half right. I spent the last half of last year interning for a website, pumping out around 4-6 articles a day. In total I've done close to 500 now! What about my own personal writing though? Nothing.

Compared to 2013, 2014 was a blast of a year. I got to travel, do what I've always dreamt of doing since I was a kid, and just enjoyed it overall. That's all good and well, but my intern position was temporary, meaning I'm left with nothing on my plate at the moment.

Except, it's nothing like that at all. I have the most awesome and understanding family, and I've basically been given the year to freelance and write my book, with the latter taking priority. It excites me and freaks me out all at the same time! I've wanted to do this for many years now. I studied what I did with this goal in mind; that I would someday sit down to pour my imagination onto paper.

I'm nervous, more than I care to admit. Where does one even begin to write what they hope will be a bestselling novel? I have no clue.

That being said, I've spent most of this month relaxing and brainstorming. The story I've had in mind for years is mostly unchanged, except that I've finally decided how to approach it and where the story should kick off. All I need to do now is sit down and let the words flow.

Wish me luck!

Walk

Hey everybody :)

I'm so tired, oh so very tired. I'm up doing a quick video edit for work, nothing major. The rendering really does take its sweet time though, so waiting for that to finish so I can go hit the sack.

You know what gets my creative juices flowing? It's music. It has always been a good source of inspiration for me. It's not the beat, the speed of the music, or the instruments involved. It's the emotion it evokes. I do fully plan to write a trilogy one day. All the major scenes I have in my head are the result of some song or other that I really like.

You ever heard of the site called 8tracks? It's one of my favourite things. Essentially, you pick and combine different tags of music you would like to listen to. For example, If I want to go for a run, I might choose something like electro + energy or something along those lines. 8tracks will pull up a user made playlist which you can then stream to your phone or PC. It's really awesome, and I love it.

What I do when I go to bed is pick stuff that will chill me out and aid my journey into dreamland, so usually tags like chill + ambient + sleep or something. I found this gem last night in the playlist I found...



This song is amazing! I've listened to it so many times today. It doesn't quite spark a clear scene in my head, but I will definitely listen to it when I want some kind of inspiration. It's just... beautiful. I can't explain it better than that. I really need to listen to more stuff from this artist!

Weekend is finally here. Really looking forward to it :) anyways, go try 8tracks for yourself! I'm sure you'll love it.

Is This Thing Still On?

Hello!

It's rather late at the moment. I just got home from a cigar evening with friends which I thoroughly enjoyed. Nothing better than spending some real quality time with people, something I haven't done for an incredibly long time. I think cigars may be a touchy subject for my family, especially my mom. I never told her what exactly I was doing tonight.

I was going through my blog recently, and it made me realise that I really haven't written for a long time. I'm just here to let you know that I am still around, and that I have lots to say. Hopefully, I will get around to it pretty soon.

Lots has happened in my life over the past few months. I will tell you as much as I can when I'm not incredibly tired or busy with work.

Goodnight world, I just had to say something!

Of The Night

Here, have a random song!



I don't know why this song comes to mind really. Its Of The Night by Bastille. It just put a smile on my face I guess. 2013 really was a crappy year for obvious reasons. I've noticed that I'm feeling a whole lot better on this side of time (that is, on the other side of 2013, the start of 2014). I've just decided that this year is going to be good, I'm being as positive as possible.

I had a really good weekend. Something I honestly haven't had in a long time. I have a group of online gaming friends who I have known for many years now. Due to geographic and other reasons, we hardly see each other. I mean, like, literally once or twice a year. Some I had not even met until 2013. Anyways, there was a pretty big group of us in town this weekend, so we decided to go out. Now, if you know me, you know that I'm really not the biggest clubber or pub crawler. However, we organised and off we went. I tell you, I haven't had so much fun like that in a long time. Its so weird. I have my close friends here who I see pretty often, and chat to too. Yet, my online gaming friends are the ones I literally chat to every day (while we game or just spend time on our pc's). Being out with them was something else, something I hope to do a heck of a lot more often.

I did something last night that I don't think I have ever done in my life. Chances are that its not 100% true, but I think it really is well on its way to being so. I fear alcohol might have had its role (obviously, I was being fed stroh rum O_O somehow not getting completely pissed but remaining extremely tipsy), but I admitted to my friends that I am over Amber. Now I sit and think about it, if I had to see her again, I would probably not be entirely over her. I think saying it out loud though is the first step to making it a reality, so lets hope it sticks. What a night :) so much win!

I went to family with my mom tonight. It was strange, as it was one of the first normal family dinners we have gone to without my dad. The last time we had dinner at this particular family was a couple of weeks before my dad passed away. I think it was good for us though, and I genuinely enjoyed it. Don't get me wrong, I really did miss my dad. I had thoughts of how the evening would be if he was there, what contributions he would have made to the conversation, and what smart ass remarks and jokes he would have made. That aside, I was laughing, enjoying my family. I know my dad would be happy to see my mom and I being there, and that made me happy too.

All and all, its Sunday morning (1am), but I've really had a spectacular weekend already. I feel alive, something I haven't felt since God knows when. I have another family lunch later. I can't wait :)

01/01/2014 - 67

I've put off this post for as long as possible. Holidays have flown by, and I knew it needed to be done at some point, but I left it for the latest possible moment. Its New Years Day at the moment on my side of the world, 1:11AM to be exact, and the beginning of 2014. I'm hoping for a much better year this year, so let's kick it off with a fresh post.

2013 is the year that I lost my father. It has been just over 3 months, and quite honestly I don't quite know how I am dealing with it, or how I feel for that matter. I'm sad, obviously, but something just feels amiss. It scares me to think that I'm not feeling sad enough, like I should be a lot more depresses than I currently feel. I look at my sister and see how she is taking it. She seems to push through each day, fighting the urge to cry because she misses him so much. My mom has her moments too, but she seems to be keeping herself as busy as possible, and she obviously misses him lots too. My brother, well he is exactly like how my dad was, who knows exactly what he is feeling.

Then there is me.

I cried a lot on the evening he passed away, as well as the next day. I was surprisingly composed on the day of his funeral, feeling teary eyed, but not really letting it out. The rest of the weeks that followed have seen me just living in a void. I pushed through my assignments and exams, even though I had no push whatsoever to get them done. I passed, thank God for that. Varsity aside, I've just been living through each day as normally as possible. Yet, this is what scares me. I know I have not grieved, not even begun to do so. That's why I put off this entry for so long, because I knew it would be the opening I need to just let it all out. Yet here I am, and I'm just blank. I feel sad, but I don't really feel much else either. It really, really bothers me. I don't want this to be something that will come back to haunt me in the years to come.

The reason I am writing today specifically, not just because it's the start of a new year, is that it would also have been my dad's 67th birthday. 67 is nothing. I always took pride in telling my friends how healthy he was, walking a fair distance 6 days a week at the market, getting stock for the shop. He also ate relatively healthy, lots and lots of fruit and veg in-between all the random every day drunk. Then he gets hit with everything at once, with Cancer being the worst of the lot.

It was stage 4 lung cancer, something which doesn't really seem to have a cure. Yet we were hopeful, because we all knew that nothing is impossible. I can't even begin to describe how shit I feel about the times I confronted my dad about his smoking. You remember it don't you? I wrote about it too. The guilt, its overwhelming and it sits in me like a poison. My dad just couldn't seem to quit smoking, something which seems so absurd considering that he had lung cancer. Yet, maybe he knew his time was limited, maybe he just wanted to make his last few months just that little bit more bearable. Then there is me, letting it slide for a good few months until the day I exploded. During my life, I have had many an argument with my dad where I was obviously way out of line (with lots of shouting in the process). These arguments though pale in comparison to the shit I gave my dad. I've never shouted him so loudly in my life, never given him such a piece of my mind. If only I had known, if only I had known...

I just hope he knows that I really did it with the intention of trying to motivate him to quit, because I really wanted him to get much better.

The last week of his life was the worst. I watched my dad literally age 20-30 years (at least that's what it looked like). He looked fragile and aged, and he barely had the energy to walk and get around. He didn't even have the energy to smoke. Those last moments of his life feel like a lifetime ago, as well as a bad dream. My mom and I heard him collapse, something that wasn't particularly unusual in that last week. We ran to the bathroom to find him sitting on the floor by the door. I still smiled and comforted him, telling him that it was alright and we would help him up. I only saw him from behind though, and when I circled to face him, something wasn't right. I don't know what was going through his mind in those final moments, but I know he was with us. He looked at my mom and I, before he lay back and his eyes closed. The rest is a blur. I just know that between my mom and myself, we got hold of my brother and told him to come ASAP, as well as an ambulance to come and get my dad. My sister was out at gym or boxing and obviously wouldn't look at her phone until much later.

I remember being alone with my dad, trying to find a pulse. My mom was trying to make a call to the ambulance I think. I started telling my dad that I needed him to fight, that he still had so much to do. I do think he did die as soon as he lay back. The trip to the hospital was in vain. I would love to know what was his last thought as his life left him. All I know is that he looked at my mom and I. No amount of words can ever capture that evening. It's series of images blended together in my mind.

My dad will never watch me graduate. My dad will never watch me become an author. My dad will never watch me get married. My dad will never be a granddad to my kids. I know I wasn't the best son, but I know he always loved me no matter what. He was taken too soon, too soon. I never did anything to make my dad proud, and it breaks my heart that he won't be around to witness me fulfilling any of my deepest dreams. I love you dad. I'm so sorry for all I didn't do, and all I should have done. We miss you. This house feels so bizarre without you. It doesn't feel real at all, it feels like you'll be home any day now. I need to learn to start accepting your departure.

I did say something at his funeral, I'll just leave it here...

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I can't really add much to what everybody has said before me, but I can say that one of my biggest dreams whilst growing up as a child was that I would get to spend more time with my dad. He was an incredibly hard worker, leaving for work early in the morning and arriving home much later in the evening. I wish the circumstances could have been different, but my dad did spend most of the last 9 months at home. Even through these difficult times, my dad loved treating me to lunch. It is hard to describe why these excursions were so valuable. It wasn't a matter of eating non homemade food, or anything fancy. It was his way of spoiling and making time to spend with me.

I cannot even begin to find a way to describe him effectively, there are no real words that could truly capture the qualities he had. It may sound incredibly clichéd, but I consider myself beyond lucky to be blessed with the one and only Tony Figueira as my father. On the exterior, he may have come across as a hard man, but we all know that once a person got to know him, they realised just what an incredibly soft heart he had. He always put others first, always always always!

I am incredibly honoured to call myself one of his sons. It brings me so much joy to look around this room, seeing just how many people knew him, and how many people he had the opportunity to tell one of his classic jokes to. Nobody knew how to tell a joke like my dad did! His humour was core to his character, and he never missed the opportunity to make others smile and laugh.  God may know every joke in the book, but I'm pretty sure he still laughs when my dad tells one.

Daddy, It was a shock when you were admitted into hospital at the end of last year, but I consider the last 9 months to be a blessing from God, as we got to spend just that little bit of extra time with you. As difficult as it was, I now know we were just being prepared to say goodbye.

Dad, you will be so missed. No longer will I hear that backdoor slam in the evening, signalling your arrival home. No longer will I be able to see your smile, hear your laugh, or look into your eyes. All I know is that you left behind a legacy that will never be forgotten. You left me in the hands of an amazing mother and phenomenal siblings, and I am surrounded by such incredibly family and friends. I know that you will never be forgotten, only missed more than you could ever know.

On behalf of myself and the Figueira family, I would just like to extend my thanks to everybody who had a hand in getting everything ready for this difficult day, as well as a big think you to Father Tony. Also, thank you to every single one of you for your incredible support during this difficult time. The amount of times we got told "please call me if you need anything" was just amazing. My mom is a florist, so it's not unusual to have the house packed with so many flower arrangements, but the amount of flowers we have received has just been overwhelming, and we really appreciate it.  I know that we are truly blessed to have such amazing family and friends!

We would like to invite you to join us in the hall afterwards for some drinks and snacks. If it's one thing my dad loved, it was people. He loved being surrounded by family and friends, telling jokes and just interacting with those around him. I cannot think of a more fitting way to spend today then honouring what my dad loved. Remember, we are not here to mourn my dad's death. Instead, we are here to honour the life he had and the legacy he has left behind. As my brother mentioned, my dad's birthday falls on New Year each year. Yes, the beginning of each year may be sad as we reflect on the passing of a great gentleman, but let's remember to celebrate the life of Tony Figueira, remembering all the lessons he taught us, the example he was, and the smiles he always so generously donated.

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There are various pitfalls from 2013, but this post is quite long as it. I'll keep it focussed on my dad though, as it would have been his birthday today. I do feel a little better, but more will follow in the days to come I'm sure. Happy New Years everybody, and Happy Birthday Dad. Love you and miss you! May 2014 be a much better year with more smiles and laughter, something you always brought to everyone's lives.

Rest In Peace Dad, You Legend.

I don't know what to say... my dad passed away last night.

I cannot even begin to find the words to start talking about it. I don't even know how to say what I am feeling, but I am sure that I will flesh it out over the next few days/months/years.

I was with my dad when he died. He looked at my mom and I before he went, that much I am sure of.

I cried last night, but I know it was not nearly enough to even begin to make me feel better. It will come, I know it will. It's barely begun to sink in.

My dad is gone. My dad is gone. My dad is gone. My dad is gone. My dad is gone.

Rest in peace dad, there are no words in existence that could ever truly do you justice. You are at peace now, and you will sorely missed, so so so so much!! <3 nbsp="" p="">