Who Do You Trust?

I'm finally home, able to relax a little. I had a long, hard gyming session on Monday where I did a lot of leg work. Yesterday (Tuesday), I played indoor soccer too. So I woke up this morning feeling utterly stiff! Worst yet though - I was working at an expo all day today, which in essence meant I would be walking or standing all day long.

So I drove to the expo, only to find that I had no damn way of getting in to get my Exhibitor pass, not unless I paid the parking and entrance fee, which was a total of R55. Thats all fine and all, I would be reimbursed the value at a later stage. It kind of sucked realising that I had no money on me though. So it was off to find an atm, and I had already scrounged up enough change to pay the parking fee and I parked my car. So my car was to stay and I, was to walk around town to find an atm. Being in a town I didn't know at all, I was optimistic as I began my long, strenuous journey *Cue lord of the rings music here.* I walked a total of about 2km to find an atm, and another 2km back. Great start to a day :D walking my ass off because somebody forgot to organise me a Exhibitors pass and parking, not to mention that I couldn't call my contact lady on the inside because above mentioned incompetent person didn't send me her number.

So i finally made my way in, and took in the scenes of what would be my dungeon of a work environment for the next few days until Sunday. Ok, it wasn't that bad, more boring then bad work enviroment. Whoevers idea it was to have a computer expo, at a show where the main attractions are carnival rides and small style stalls, should be shot. The expo floor is QUIET as heck, not surprisingly though. Who in their right mind goes to a show for rides and food and expect to fork out R20k for a laptop??? Ok some people do :P but thats besides the point :) anyways onwards with the point of this blog!

On my stand we were selling various items. My key products though are printers and projectors. I saw what movie we were playing on our projector... Twilight. "Oh joy" I thought to myself in my head. "Im gonna have to watch this for 5 days straight?!?!" haha :) The expo was so quiet though, that I actually did get to watch most of the movie, over all 3 times it looped (before some lady came demanding a movie swap, because she was bored of hers -_-) Although, yes the book is so much better then the movie was, I still think the movie is cool in its own way. The acting could have been better, but the message gets across perfectly fine. I have just finished the last book in the series, so it was quite intriguing to watch the first movie, where it all began in a sense. I really found myself wanting to read the series again from the beginning. Not only that, but I felt kind of jealous of Edward and Bella :x How girly am I?!?! :P haha... I mean jealous in a way that, they are realising feelings for each other, and you see how it grows throughout the movie. One of the most awesome feelings in the world is being in love, not bearing to be apart from the one you want to be with. Worrying about their safety, no matter how little danger there may be. Always being there for them when they need you. I so totally miss that feeling, not that its completely absent, but I have no girlfriend to Love and worry about. 

I did watch most of the movie back in the day with Amber. She had literally read the entire first book in one day (she stayed up all night) and that evening we went to see the movie. The book was so fresh in her head that she immediately picked up on things they left out of the book or changed. It really annoyed her and she couldn't bear to sit through until the end of the movie. So we ended up leaving towards the end. When I watched the movie today, (beware, plot spoiler ensues... continue at next paragraph if you do not wish to know what happens :D) I saw the fight between Edward and James for the first time. I really thought it was an awesome scene! having read through all the books and knowing the characters a lot more then one can tell from the first book, I was consumed by glee whenever Edward beat the crap out of James. Then there was the part where Edward had to suck James' poison out of Bella's blood stream, a very difficult task considering that Edward may not be able to stop himself from sucking her blood. Obviously, in order for her to live he has no other choice, and through his love for her, is able to stop sucking so that she does not die. 

I really don't know why I am writing all of this. I just felt so inspired to write my book after seeing this movie. I so badly want to paint a picture like that, that my readers can get attached to and feel emotions for my characters. I wish to create a world that my readers can easily get sucked into and get lost in, and enjoy every second of it! I think i'm also just so smitten with couples and love these days I guess. Instead of the "Oh gosh bring me a vomit bag" thoughts one might normally have for a couple showing love for each other, instead I just feel a happiness for them :) They are experiencing feelings for each other so who am I to judge? Not to mention the fact that people I know are getting engaged and married left right and centre O_o definitely a season of love and bonding :O I really cant wait to get married one day. I just want to love my bride forever and ever! My heart just has all this capacity for it, yet Im still young... but i take comfort knowing that my heart cannot shrink, it can only grow :)

The title for this blog? Who knows :) Im so bad at deciding titles! I was listening to Cassette and this was the title of the song that just happened to be playing at the time. So er... I guess I should link this somehow to my blog :P Who do you trust? There is only one person to trust in, or being rather. God, I trust in you. I know you have a plan for my life, and for everything that happens. So, here's to trust and faith. Please God may I never give up on you and on myself! 

Yes ok I know that was random :) When I started this blog I had some idea as to how to connect the title to the blog but I forgot :P Im uberly and utterly tired now, and tomorrow is another work day at the expo. So goodnight cruel world :P <3

All This Useless Confusion

So here I am, several months later, forcing a blog out of myself. Quite an amusing point I might add, is that the title of this came from a lyric in a song. Literally, as I looked at the title block, deciding what to write about, that line was sung and I decided, "hey that seems pretty spot on."

So - "All This Useless Confusion"? My life is filled with things that I totally cannot understand at times. Confusion can cause anger, hurt, depression, sadness, and a whole lot of other things. I cant really see how it can cause happiness :P not unless something happens that wasn't supposed to happen, but that is more rare then anything. 

If anybody has by some off chance actually read through my blog, you would know that I went through a lot of heartache over my ex girlfriend, Amber. Several months have passed, and I guess we both have made a heck of a lot of progress. I can tell you what I have achieved from my side, and I guess her side to a certain extent (I'm not her so I cant give specifics :P). I find that the urge to sms her has left me completely. Don't get me wrong, I still miss her so much, way too much. I just don't feel the urge to let her know that anymore, which is a good thing - I may yet be on the road to recovery and putting my heart back together piece by piece. My heart seems to be more at peace, not ENTIRELY, but its not consistently throbbing with a pain, instead it is just throbbing some blood now :) my love for Amber is still there, it scares me to think that maybe it will never ever leave me! If Amber is not meant for me, then how unfair would that be to my future soul mate? My heart should only have room for one girl, and that should be the one I am meant to be with.

The last week or two has just been weird for me. I have never really taken note of any other girls since I fell in love with Amber. I didn't do it on purpose, I just saw girls as girls, I wasn't interested in them in any form of romantic way. I'm not saying I now am, but my word... I think God is opening my eyes up to the girls around me O_o as weird as that may sound. Its really difficult to explain what I mean. Just, like I'm usually shy around new girls, or just normal around most girls. But as of late I'm just seeing girls in a whole new light. "I could totally fall in love with a girl like this" is an example of one of these thoughts I have. I don't think I will for a long long time, but why are my eyes being pulled open even further now? This is just adding to my useless confusion...

Saturday night I went to a social evening with my best friend. I really haven't had that much genuine fun in such a long time. I sat at a table of people that I did know, but more as an acquaintance then as a friend. I started off the evening shyly, but by the end of it i felt like myself. I wasn't shy to just be myself around girls that I do not know that well or didn't know at all. My eyes were opened to them too :P its actually bloody scary. I was just thinking that if, lets say Amber was out of my heart and I was completely over her, and I had a choice of ANY girl that I've taken note of lately... WHO THE HECK WOULD I CHOOSE?!?! Haha :) Im making this sound more like my pursuit of a new girlfriend, but I don't mean it like that :O Just trying to say that I'm fortunate to know many beautiful and talented girls, I shouldn't be so scared of letting Amber go (Although, I do admit, I still really really wish she is the one for me :S damn heart...lol)

Anyways there is a point to this blog, er... I think? Yeah...

So I got home from that evening and logged onto Facebook to check up on the random happenings of peoples evenings. Amber was on FB chat and greeted me. We just spoke casually about our evenings and what not. However, she was in one of her strange moody moods though =/ now without trying to look like one... I'm probably an asshole to her. I wasn't angry with her or anything, it was just frustrating to have her ask questions that she surely should know the answers to (Do I still like her? Do I care for her? etc...) and I answered everyone of them. Yet, she could not answer any of my questions, but merely proceeded with her interrogation of what I was doing, what I was thinking about, etc. Then moved on to asking me what my issue was O_o like how random is that? Maybe I wasn't responding in a way that she is used to, or a way she was not expecting. But there we have it folks - more useless confusion in my life ^_^ what was on her mind? Why was she so intent on talking to me that evening, wanting to force a conversation between us? Maybe she missed me... heck I guess I'm just hoping she missed me just a fraction of the amount I miss her. But at the moment I feel more like a safety net to her. Somebody to love her just in case nobody else does (which is absurd!) I reckon that is why every now and then she checks to see if I still like her. I don't think I could bring myself to say it to her face, not the way things are... but Amber, you should know that of course I like you, and I still care for you flipping deeply -_- I don't see why you could doubt that. Its a little unfair on me, your interrogation of my feelings, when yet I don't know whats going on in your head. Maybe one day we will be together, maybe not... but I am waiting for the right time, and I will be for a very long time - contrary to what I just said in my blog above. I Love you... A lot

Quite a Series of Events

I won't lie, I really don't think there will be much point to this post. I just really feel like writing, even though i may not have anything specific to write about. My cat is currently snoozing on my lap, dreaming some kitty dreams... or at least she was until I started being noisy on the keyboard :) 

So I had my performance apparaisal the other week. It actually went much better then i could ever have expected. I got 95%, and i got promoted to account manager! On top of all this I asked if I could do the articles for the upcoming website, and they agreed. Although, the website idea kind of got put on hold,  its up to me and a work colleage to look at getting it up and running. So i've been given a lot my responsibility compared to what i used to have. I must admit Im rather excited for it (excited for work... who does that? :P). I will be getting a raise which is awesome! I think its about time I stop waiting, and i get around to looking for my own car.

I started watching a new series this week in my moments of boredom - which may I add I have not been for a very long time! Californication is my latest choice of show. I must admit I really didn't know what to expect. I had heard previously heard a radio jockey talking about it every week, and he even had the one song from it as his background music. I was a little taken a back at first, the first episode mostly used sex inbetween each scene. Something not really normal for a series (unless its a porno series or something :P). The story seemed to have something deeper going on though, and Im glad i made it through the first episode. As the series goes on there seems to be less visual sex and more focus on the lives of the characters at hand (Although Im sure the director used sex to get some sorts of poinrs across). I am actually enjoying the story about the main character Hank. He has written several books - one of which seemed to have been a huge success, and which was turned into a movie. That was in the past though and Hank is now a washed up writer. The series follows his antics about five years after his hit book. We see how he interracts with his daughter and her mother (which he was never married to... but he still loves her immensely). Anyways there are lots of details which I don't really want to bore you with - all in all its just really cool to see how Hank is still madly in love with his Ex Lover, and has never given up on the idea of them being together. I'm keen to see how the series progresses :)

I think I am done for now. I must have been noisy because my cat has abandoned my warm lap for her empty basket. I guess I am poor company when I am writing :) lol or something, i don't know. Et tu Cat? hehe...

It is the start of the weekend by my side. There shall be lots happening :O I hope all goes well! This is me finishing this blog.

Performance Appraisal

Another day has come and gone in my life. Its strange to think how time seems to have flown since i have finished my school career. This is already my fourth year out of school! Thinking about my achievements, i have kind of realised that i don't have much to write home about. Sure I'm working, and growing in many ways (I sure  feel more grown up each day compared to the day before) but where is my life going? 

It's difficult to focus on something i want to pursue in my life. One thing sure sticks out though. I have an urge to write, or even to just be creative enough to draw something as simple as a comic. I have little to no artistic talent though (much to my dismay... I sure wish I could be as creative visually as some people are). I am slowly but surely learning to write in new ways each day. I have decided i need to be far more active in this blog - and by that i mean writing about interesting or random things, not just using this as a medium to jot down my emotions or the antics of my life. So hopefully you can expect a little bit more reading in future :)

Tomorrow is my performance appraisal at work. Im actually highly nervous now that it is so near! I really hope that more work is given to me, so that i may grow and move up my little ladder in life. To my knowledge we are going to be having a website up and running in the future, i think i may just ask to be the writer of all the articles. This in essence means i would be writing about all that goes on in my company (Special events, promotions, gatherings, etc). I wrote an introductory article for the webiste a few months ago, and according to one of my collegues it was actually liked by some of the other staff. So heres holding thumbs! Apart from that i hope to get more involved with work and help my company to grow. 

I have certain goals i set at the beginning of this year. One of which is to finish my book. Nearly half the year has passed already and i have barely begun to continue my stories saga! Time is flying by... i need a large sail so i can catch onto it.

Creating a Memory

The Dirty Skirts, Zebra and Giraffe, Cassette, Panic! at the Disco, Snow Patrol and Oasis. All appearing in South Africa's very own CocaCola Zero Fest! I am missing some bands, but the few i mentioned above were the only ones i was actually keen on seeing live. 

Unfortunately this year would be much more different then the previous year. Who could top off a performance given by Muse last year? Not to mention that most of my friends were away for the weekend. Going was just Amber and myself. I was actually really looking forward to it, even though it was just us two, spending the day with her would be great! We also decided to go Golden Circle this year (The most expensive tickets you can get) as we felt that last year not being up close to the stage was a real loss! It was actually worth it, seeing as we got to be so close, had our own seperate "Chill" area, Seperate food vendors, toilets,etc (something that was not available last year to my knowledge)

The day went on rather fast in my opinion. Evening hit us faster then ever. The moon was as beautiful as ever, hanging out in the sky overlooking our event. After Panic! at the Disco we decided to fight our way into the crowd to have a much better view of Snow Patrol and Oasis. At this point my evening really started. So as not to lose each other and the crowd we held each others hand and fought our way through. Bar the random drunk people stumbling around and annoying people who tend to shove rudely, we found a decent spot. I had a feeling I hadn't really felt in a while (not this intensely). I felt like Ambers boyfriend again. I was standing behind her, holding her hands. I was kinda nervous with Snow patrol coming on soon. We both really love Snow Patrol, and everybody knows they have music that can stir the heart and emotions (well at least in my opinion)

They came on and started performing. In all honesty I really enjoyed them, I think they were great live. I can't for the life of me remember which song had just played, but i know i had Amber leaning against me and a song had just ended. She leant back and looked at me. I knew that look, and i knew how i felt. I leant forward and kissed her gently. It was the best feeling in the world! I felt like her boyfriend again, holding her against me, never wanting this moment to end. Unfortunately it did, and the show went on. Chasing Cars was still to be played, i was looking forward to hearing it. As soon as it did come on something surprising happened. Possibly it was just my imagination, in fact it probably was. As soon as we recognised what song had just started, Amber turned around and hugged me, but maybe she only did that because some guys were pushing through the crowd nearby. I like to think she did it because she wanted to. Towards the end of the song, with the moon high in the sky, the crowds singing along, i kissed her again. I couldn't help it! I will never forget that moment, never in my life. Just those few seconds, the way i felt, the high i was on... It will never leave me. Snow Patrol, you guys gave such a great performance, and i will never forget it.

Oasis were up next and the Golden Circle area seemed to just get fuller and fuller. They too gave a great performance, performing longer then anybody else. By the end of their set, i was totally exhausted. We fought the crowds to get to the parking area, which was so full that we couldn't exactly remember where we parked the car :O After much searching, and some annoying moments (i was tired, i get annoyed easily when tired) we found the car, and made our way home.

It really was a Good Friday :P i enjoyed the company i had the most. Too bad it was just a one day thing. Everything seems to have gone back to normal. Im really bad at controlling my emotions sometimes. I just can't comprehend how such an awesome night can happen and she can go back to normal, not having such high feelings for me as much as I have for her. I know she loves me, but I just really wished she loved me as much as i love her. Perhaps it will happen one day, but who knows. Until then i can do nothing but continue loving her, its the easiest thing in the world to feel something for her, she is amazing!!! I wish she knew it, but she will continue to deny it. Only time will tell what will happen to us two. 

Im far too lazy to read over and check my grammar and spelling. If you do by any chance read this, thank you for reading everything else above :) Happy Easter!

Am I Dreaming?

Dreams are the most peculiar things ever. I find it weird how your mind can work overtime to paint a picture of whats happening (Or not happening :P) in your head. People often quiz over whether dreams have meaning or if they are just a ramble of your minds thoughts being played out. I personally think that dreams can have meaning. In the bible God did give certain people dreams, which they understood. Surely he can do the same today?

We have all had those Deja Vu moments. Where you honestly feel like whatever moment you are in has happened before. Ever thought that maybe you have dreamed it before? We cant remember half of what we dream, and often what we do remember is so random and does not make sense. Possible those Deja Vu moments are things we have dreamed before? I don't know, but i could swear i have dreamt certain of my Deja Vu moments ages before it actually happened.

As of late i have found dreams to be really annoying. Nearly every night i have been dreaming about my Ex girlfriend (Who im clearly not over...). I haven't been dreaming anything dodgy, but nearly every night i just dream about her. In my dream last night it was weird. I dreamt that we were driving (me, her and some other faceless people). I was a passenger in front, a faceless person was driving (which i think might have been my best friend) and she was in the back seat. We were on our way to drop her off at home. Upon arrival at her house she leant forward and hugged me from behind. She whispered in my ear "I love you, I always will." before kissing me on the cheek. She then whispered something else which made me happy but i cant remember what it was exactly. She got out the car. The dream didn't end there though, but from what i could feel, it felt like she loved me, but she didn't want anybody else to know it... like it was a secret. Let me just add quick that i dreamt a hell of a lot last night. Most of it i cannot remember, but i remember nearly everything that had her in it. I won't go into details with my other dreams, The one i shared above meant the most to me.

The point im trying to make, is that are these just my thoughts? Do i keep wishing for her to get back together with me and tell me she loves me? Even if it is secretive and she doesn't want anybody else to know? Or are these things that WILL actually take place, or happen similarly. I don't know... i just find it so weird (and depressing, maybe annoying) that i dreamt of her every  night. Im trying to get over her and my dreams are clearly not helping. Its the worse feeling ever to wake up and realise it was all a dream. 

We all make mistakes

We all do stupid things throughout our lives, but then again, we also do some REALLY stupid things throughout our lives. Its a funny thing how you can spend so much time at work doing everything to the best of your ability, trying your best to excel so you can move up. All only to accidentally sms your boss telling her she is crazy.

Yes you read correctly. I accidentally sent my boss a message saying that she is crazy (it obviously wasn't meant for her - but then again, i was not implying it in that way). 

She was on her way out to a meeting, quite frantically i might add. However i NEEDED to ask her something urgently. So i asked her and she seemed agitated (understandably). She answered me - and i realised that i needed to know another detail so i quickly asked her a second question. That was it, she got very agitated and walked to her desk to check for me on her laptop. The question i asked might i add didnt require her to go check it up, and even if it did she could have merely stated that it would have to wait and i would have understood. She checked for me - Still constantly throwing it my face that she had a meeting to be at. I was quite taken aback, because i really did not mean to inconvenience her in anyway, but she really took it upon herself to make it a huge inconvenience. Upon showing me what i needed to know she asked me "Can i go now?" which made me just a little annoyed because i didn't ask her to stay to do me that small favour. She is my boss, if she wanted to leave she could have just left.

Anyways moving along from that she left, and i proceeded to type an Sms "_Boss' name_ is a bit crazy atm. Geez... lol". Being caught up in the moment as i was, i accidentally sent it to *drum roll* my boss. I got a phone call from her a few minutes later asking why do i think she is crazy? Who was the message for? Disrespectful, etc etc etc.... Oh and then she hung up on me :) *sigh* now if we could pause for a second and analyze what i meant that maybe we could all calm down a little. I did NOT mean crazy as in mental, psycho, etc. Everybody has their off day, or off moment and i understand that. I was merely saying "crazy" as in frantic, rushed, etc. Like you might say to somebody "Oh ya things at the office are a bit crazy at the moment" Or "My boss is a bit crazy at the moment". 

So yeah... Im in the dog box. I really am not that kind of person, im not one to get into trouble (not much anyways :P) but now my boss thinks that i think she is crazy. She thinks that im disrespectful. There goes my "just over 1 year" clean slate. I hope she understands that it was a big misunderstanding, because it really was not meant like that. Goodbye raise i was hoping for sometime this year :P lol