Duh...?

It often makes me wonder, what is actually going on inside my head? Warning: This is not going to be a happy post :/ for some reason I'm feeling so down.

No honestly, what is going on up here in my head? I just got back from a braai with a whole lot of my friends, and it got to the point where people weren't necessarily debating, but discussing interesting questions and views and such. It kind of shocked me that I had nothing to say, nothing valid at all. I tried thinking up something meaningful to add to the conversation, but I really couldn't get anything going. Its affected me for some reason. I can't really explain... I guess its the same kind of thing as when I was in that discussion. I have thoughts in my head but I really don't know how to get them out. Anyways.

It just made me think about my future. This is going to sound so super lame, but I'm really feeling dumb at the moment. I'm 21 years old now, and you would think by now I have some sort of clue about how to be an adult and think intellectually? Bla I don't know, I am just having an emotional night, sparked by mixed emotions everywhere.

And of course, there is always the whole Amber story. Thinking about her these days has me having mixed feelings. The other day we had a random argument over facebook chat. She likes bottling things up, and I was trying to convince her otherwise, to talk to me, let me in so I can possibly help her. I told her advice is advice, and even if I gave crap advice at least I was there to listen. She then promptly told me that she hates me advice. That was just a tad crushing... the girl you're hoping to spend the rest of your life with, hoping you can lead and be a good husband to, telling you that your advice sucks O_o It really deflated my heart a little. I guess its time I stopped chasing, and just let things unfold naturally. Maybe I am not the one for her, maybe I have served my purpose. But maybe I am? One things for sure. We both need to grow up and mature. Perhaps I will turn into a guy who actually gives good advice.

Inbetween writing this blog, I had a chat with my best friend Gareth. It really really helped me, as I am feeling loads better now. I am just going to copy and paste what he said. Thank God for his wisdom :) Master = Gruff, Matther = Me:

Master: Tonight was good
Those conversations are the type I long for...


Matthew: honestly, tonight made me feel stupid
:/

Master: Why?

Matthew: I really don't think about that kind of thing
Im not such an in depth thinker

Master: It's good

Matthew: I couldn't think of ONE thing to add to the discussion, and I thought hard about it

Master: Cause you haven't really experienced what I have, it isn't helpful sometimes
But were you enlightened?

Matthew: no look I listened :)
but flip dude, its like, am I capable of thinking like that :-?

Master: Do u want to be?

Matthew: I really honestly felt stupid, Im not even trying to be emo and/or seek attention here.
I don't know

Master: If you want it then start seeking it :)

Matthew: not ALWAYS in that sense
but
like thinking in general
i take each day as it comes, I don't do such in depth thinking
it just makes me think like, if Im a husband one day
how the hell will I be the head of a family if i cant even think out things like that
lol this sounds so lame, its stuck in my head, hard to explain
I seem to have problems with that too :P

Master: :)
Ask and search
It comes
Don't worry

Matthew: how do i know I don't have a mental problem? :P

Master: Cause I was brought up thinking like that, many of the others adding to the conversations were brought up that way to
It's just thinking more analytically
Don't worry :) it comes
But what's important is if you want it, then search for it

Matthew: i hope so :P

Master: You're not stupid... Trust me

Matthew: lol
sorry i know i sound lame :P
like
i know im not dumb
just feel silly sometimes, because i don't really think lots about stuff :P

Master: Don't fret :)

Matthew: thanks :) really appreciate it...

Master: I appreciate you
Sometimes being simple is what's needed the most...

Matthew: :)

Master: Remember Jesus said we must come to Him as little children, not philosophical brainers

Matthew: yeah
thanks :)
it is something that has been bothering me lately though hey
so in the end I needed something like tonight anyways

Master: What has?

Matthew: the way i think
or lack thereof :P

Master: :)
Simplistic
Less is more : P

Matthew: haha ill take your word for it :P

Master: Haha
Why do people think like we did tonight?
To simplify things...

Matthew: yeah
trev said something interesting
on my status:

Matthew Fig: being surrounded by such intellectual friends who think lots, kind of makes me feel dumb for not thinking as much as they do ^_^

Trev Unter But why is that so impressive? They're just forces. Truly 'intellectual' people can take whats complicated and make it simple-- Grey Donald is a person who does that.

Master: See :)
Exactly what I just said to u :)
We only take those things and discuss them to simplify them
Hehe ok I'm leaving now
Speak soon :) cheers bro, u are gunna surpriise ppl soon...

Matthew: thanks dude :) really appreciate your wisdom

Anyways, sorry I know this was a random blog, but writing seems to heal me :) so I had to. Have a good rest of week ^_^ Weekend is near!

Drenched In Vanilla Twilight

Hello everybody :)

So I haven't blogged for a little while, but I am proud to report that the drought has passed (for now)

On Saturday I attended my friend Geoffrey's wedding. This on its own was a totally new experience for me. Jeph (Geoffrey's nickname) is one of my friends I matriculated with. This on its own is a totally random new thing to me, seeing as he is only a year older then me at the age of 22. Getting married at such a young age these days is practically frowned upon. I have no doubts in him and his new wife, they are amazing together and very mature. His wife is older then him by the way, by 4-6 years or something like that. Their wedding had such an impact on me. I really hope I can get whats in my head out onto this page without it sounding stupid, because in my head this is meaningful to me.

I can't really place why this had been the best wedding I have been to. I guess it comes down to the fact that I know Jeph quite well, I have a friendship with him, whereas other weddings I have attended have been distant cousins or people that I do not know too well. His and Aimee's story is magical. Did you know that he proposed to her without them even dating? She thought that he was going to ask her out, but lo and behold, he proposes! They had been very close friends for around 3 years or so, being on a team that does outreaches and that kind of thing. Can you imagine doing that? Proposing to a girl you haven't even dated, but you know you want to spend the rest of your life with her? That blows my mind... I think about it and I just sit in awe at the thought of such a love like that.

They are the example to follow in my opinion. All my other friends and I who get married are surely going to look up to them as an example and follow. The ceremony was amazing, with them exchanging their OWN vowels, and personally thanking both their parents in front of everybody. I can't explain Jeph or how the wedding was the way it was, but it was just totally them. From Jeph wearing a smart suit, but walking around in All Stars, to the random things that happened throughout the rest of the day.

What really got to me was the speeches. What everybody had to say about the bride and groom. They did everything right. They waited and grew closer to each other before Jeph proposed. They just knew, thats what gets to me. They just knew they were for each other. Thinking about that kind of love just makes my heart pulsate hugely. Its amazing, only a love that God could have put in us.

This is where I admit to being a bit of a girl. I won't lie, I am a hugely sensitive guy, I just hide it very well. I know I got it from my dad, because he is so soft too and can get emotional over the smallest of things. Jeph took that microphone and had his say. As the moments past I found myself with tears in my eyes. He was just so genuine, thanking his parents again for everything they have done for him, thanking them for being the most awesome ever. He also got emotional which probably explains why I was teary eyed too. Then he addressed his wife. Promising her he would give the world to her, that he would be there for her for the rest of their lives. I know these weren't just words to woo her or the crowd, they were from his heart. Man... I can't wait for it to be my turn, where I am at that point, ready to spend my life with my best friend, and share in a God given love. God is all over that marriage, they are truly soul mates, and they were meant for each other. Don't ask me how I know, just look at them. They are not this vomit "cutesy" couple that giggle at the sight of each other. They are made for each other.

See... I have read the above and it doesn't even sound as good down here as it does in my head. Anyways, I can't do anything about that. This whole wedding got me thinking about me and Amber. Don't get me wrong, I am not looking for a carbon copy paste of Jeph and Aimees union, I am just looking up to them because they have done everything right. Will Amber and I be like that one day? Even though we are no longer dating, this June would have been our 3 year anniversary, and hell we have made mistakes. A lot of mistakes, we are not perfect. I think about our future and I can honestly say, regardless of how I feel about Amber, I don't know if we will be together one day. I am the Man, I am supposed to lead her and protect her. I have honestly made some silly mistakes, but thats in the past.

One thing I know for sure, and I will not doubt this. My love for Amber is real. Forget silly teenage naivety, I have been there with her through a hell of a lot, and my feelings for her just grow and grow. To this day, I still cannot understand why I ever started liking her. Not that there is anything wrong with her, but it literally was an overnight thing. From just seeing her as a female, to realizing that I know this amazing beautiful lady. I cannot deny my feelings to protect her and just be there for her no matter what. No matter how stubborn she may be, no matter how hard she may push me away, I am like a magnet that just keeps being drawn to my opposite. Its something I can not explain, but my heart beats it and feels it. The thought of Amber does strange things to my heart.

Is what I am feeling real? Did God put this love in me and point out to me who my soul mate is? I can only hope so, because in my head I think so, but for all I know God has something totally different planned for me. This wedding made me think so much, and made me realize all the right kind of changes and mistakes I need to do and stop doing if I ever want to have my own mythical future, the future of me and my awesome wife, growing old with each other and enjoying life.

Heads or Tails?

This is going to be a random entry :) but let me use it to give you an introduction to what a friend and I will be working on this year. It is called Eggs And Rice. Thats all I can divulge at the moment :P it has been in thinking for some time, but it will soon be put into motion. Without fail, I will be sure to let you know what happens as it happens. I wrote this tonight, not too sure why though, it was just in my head. It still needs editing and what not, and I have no idea if it is interesting at all, but I hope you enjoy!

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My opinion far outweighs your thinking! You are incapable of thinking up the right answer to this situation! I'm right and you're wrong! You reel in horror and you're like "hey, what?" but you argue back. This is a fight to see who is "right"

I am quite honestly sure that I cannot be the only person to have experienced a situation like this. The kind of situation where there is a coin balanced perfectly, vertical with no side flat. There is no head or tails, just the perfect balance of the coin. You yell out "HEADS!" but whoever is rooting for tales stomps the coin down and triumphs to your disbelief, even though the coin was 50/50 (that is as in the odds are even, not the coin was two fifty cents pieces)

How stubborn are most people today? I can honestly say I am probably one of the stubbornness people I know. When a debate takes place, I can genuinely say that I think I am right, and the other persons thinking just doesn't make sense to me. Yet, this does not mean I am right. There are always two sides to the coin. The fact of the matter is, do you even take the time to consider the other side?

Think about the world today. It doesn't matter where in the world you are at this second, there has to be one or other issue in your country you can think about it. Being from good old South Africa, racism or some or other act like that always pops up in the media. It's always the same thing over and over. Black party lashes out at white party, white party lashes out at black party. Assumptions are made. One side chooses heads, while the other chooses tails. At the end of the day nobody really wins, yet the battle in constantly ongoing, and the coin remains upright.

Another example may come in the form of age. You are young, having an honest conversation with an older person. An equal debate rises, but the older person insists that are right due to experience. Don't get me wrong, experience plays a huge part in any situation in life, yet it does not always make you right. Let's take Formula 1 as an example. Michael Schumacher has been doing it for years, and he knows the tracks inside and out. He knows what speed to take the corners at, when to go flat out, and when to make a decisive move such as overtaking or something similar. Does this instantly mean he will win each and every race? Of course not! He may have an experience advantage, but this does not make him the winner each and every time. The same can be said for an equal debate. The older person does not necessarily have the winning opinion.

So where am I going with all of this? Nowhere specific really, but it all boils down to this. Take a second to consider another person's perspective before declaring yourself the winner. The world needs fewer arguments and more understandings. We were all made unique and designed to have our own ways of thinking. Your way of thinking is not necessarily the right way, but then again, who are any of us to judge what is right and what is wrong?

============================================

Man DIes Of Chocolate Overdose

NO MORE CHOCOLATE!

Easter has the same outcome every year. I am not the biggest fan of chocolate, but every Easter there always seems to be like four million piles of chocolates lying around and I can't help but stuff my face full of the stuff. On top of that its like 1:25AM here right now, and due to my late night hungerness I went and got me some McDonald's. I feel like I have become a more rounded shape. Oh let me just add now that if what I say is boring or does not make sense, then I am sorry. I AM TIRED! Yet I just feel like writing right now, although my bed is slowly alluring me away.

This weekend has been an interesting one so far. My little cousin Jesse left my house on Saturday much to my dismay (he had been staying here for the last week) and I must admit, I hate saying goodbye to the little bugger. His company is always awesome! The only good thing of this is that I could maybe finally get to spend some time alone with Amber since she was on holiday. I saw her on Thursday and Friday, but me and her never really spoke much. Friday evening was a bit strange. Her and Clare came to my house to just hang out. Being Amber, she doesn't like asking me things directly all the time so she sms'd me asking if I minded taking her home. I obviously didn't and I replied saying I don't mind. A little while later Clare said they were leaving and got up. I thought I was taking Amber home but to my surprise she followed Clare to the front door. I hugged Clare and said goodbye, but to my surprise Amber was walking to the car. I was like "What the hell?" and I called out goodbye. She looked back, said goodbye and then carried on walking to the car. I was just confused, wondering what I had done? We eventually sms'd each other later and she then said "Are you ok? You seemed weird..." I replied saying I don't get why she ended up just going with Clare and why she didn't even bother to say goodbye. She replied along the lines of "So?" I just sighed and took it to be tha she was in one of those Amber moods that can never be understood or explained. We had a bit of an argument but we resolved it shortly without any damage done.

On Saturday I sms'd her asking what her plans were for the evening, and eventually we just decided that we would decide what to do with the evening when I got to her place. I got there and she was dressed up beautifully, ready for our "date". We ended up going to Monte casino and sitting outside at a restaurant. It was totally awesome! Without it being planned, we had a perfect view of the water fountain, and there was a band nearby playing some classy jazz music. This in my head, was kind of like the perfect date that wasn't planned. I know Amber likes to drink the odd glass of red wine (something she got from her father) and even though I am not the hugest fan of wine, we ended up getting a bottle for us to share. This made me feel insanely grown up... never in my life have I ordered my own bottle of wine to share with an amazingly beautiful girl who's company I got to share all evening. I was feeling extremely tired, and I admit I wasn't being talkative. I can honestly say though that I am comfortable enough around Amber for it to not have been awkward. Eventually though she brought it up randomly, and she ended up saying something that made my night. It went something like this, not word for word, but you get the general idea:

Amber: "We don't really have much to talk about lately do we?"
Me: "I don't see it as a bad thing, I don't think its bad at all if it doesn't feel awkward."
Amber: "I guess so. I just think of those couples that have been together forever, that go to dinner and say like nothing to each other. I don't want to be that kind of couple."
Me: "No don't be silly, you and I like talking far too much for it to ever be like that. At least you like to talk sense, I do all the rubbish talk."

This may seem like nothing to you, but she referred to us as a couple. I know it may seem weird, hell... it seems strange enough to me. We aren't dating technically, but at the same time we are. We are a couple that love spending time with each other. I know this doesn't mean its a good thing, because I can still get hurt if she just ends up with some other guy... but at least I am not the only one that thinks of us as a couple.

The fountain show started. Something that happens every night I guess. We were perfectly positioned to see what was going on. The water spraying up and down and perfectly synchronized to the music that was playing melodiously in the background, I nice classical track. It was surreal, like something out of a movie. Everything was too perfect, like something out of hollywood fiction. We had the perfect table, the perfect view, The perfect atmosphere, and I was fortunate enough to be sitting next to this perfect, astoundingly beautiful girl. She rested her head on my shoulder as we watched the water splashing up and down. I rested my head on hers and we watched as people started grouping to watch too. Just like the perfect moment too, we looked at each other and shared a kiss... Not a peck, but not long enough to make other people make gagging noises. It was bliss, the perfect make up to the absence of company we have shared since she got busy with college. I realized what she had said, and I knew the lack of conversation was my fault due to me being all tired and what not. I woke up, and started acting more like myself. The evening changed from there, and before I knew it we were laughing hysterically with each other, making funny comments and just enjoying each others company.

I know Amber is one indecisive person, and she can just end up with any other guy that isn't me, but its evenings like that one that remind me to remember that she loves me. She may not always show it, but she does care for me deeply, and I do know that. I should learn to stop making bad assumptions, and just let time do its things and move on forward into the future, hoping that she will be there in my arms.

I really wish I could put everything else out in detail, but I am sure you are quite tired of reading about my feelings for Amber by now, at least for this post :P I will spare you the pain...

In other news... I Love Amber, A lot :x

In OTHER news, I am going to bed now :) Its 2AM! As always, thanks for reading, I don't know how you cope :P but I really do appreciate it!

No I Couldn't Care Less About You! :O

LAST POST FOR MARCH QUICK!

Ok there is no point to this post, I just need to have 25 blogs out. So here is a quick random of how I am feeling.

Selfishness irritates the crap out of me, a hell of a lot. As does inconsideration. Two occassions today brought this to my attention how selfish and inconsiderate people can be. What bugs me more is that its two people that are important to me. Oh well I'll deal with it.

My mom can be weird and random sometimes.

Amber can be equally confusing. Yes No Yes No Yes No Nothing Nothing Nothing Yes No Yes No More Nothing Busy Busy bust Unbusy Seek Seek Seek Unavailable Upset Upset! Timing is just annoying I guess, I can never win and then she seems to despise her feelings of me. "Amber Smith I hate the way I feel about ... You." Wonder who that was addressed to >_<

Long weekend coming!

I want to spend time with Amber.

Gloop in the stomach seems to be back O_o

It has nothing to do with nauseousness.

WHO KNOWS!

Haha ok I am done, just wanted to see how that would turn out :)

I Wonder If You Can Read This

THE CALVARY IS COMING! THE CALVARY IS COMING!

I thought I would sneak this post in quickly. It's aleady so late here and in my head I am fast asleep, and I can barely keep my eyes open. Only reason I am doing this now is because my cousin Jesse is staying with me at the moment, and I don't exactly want knowledge of this blog seeing his eyes or anybody he knows :P it is still, afterall, my own private space to let out what goes on in my head or in my every day life. I don't mind you reading though :) PLEASE CONTINUE TO DO SO! (Just don't link any of my family members or friends to it :P)

So guess what! Today is the 31st, and I still have not been paid by my company. Pay day is on the 25th, so now they are only nearly a week or so late. this happens EVERY month without fail, and it is terribly irritating. At the moment I am feeling nauseous and sick, possibly in a mental state I am willing myself to not go to work? It is very tempting... but I guess I'd feel to guilty if I called in to say I will not be in. Lets just hope I get paid before the start of the long weekend here.

Just so you know, I am forcing myself to not talk about Amber in this post. Not that anything bad or major happened, but I am sure you do not want to read about the girl in my heart ALL the time :P

I heard a strange thing on the radio the other day. "Is reading relevant in today's current generation?" This is the question that the disc jockey was asking to the whole of South Africa. To my surprise, the majority of people calling in or emailing said "no it isn't." I was seriously a bit shocked. I understand that in todays generation we live a fast life style. Every new bit of technology is made so that we can do things in a shorter space of time and have more time in our day (which we smartly utilise by wasting on other technological wonders and social networks.) Is todays generation THAT lazy that they can't pick up a good book and read it? I must admit, I am a very picky reader, but this will never stop me from picking up a good novel and understanding the importance of reading. Reading fuels the human imagination and can give rise to our own awesome ideas. Its no wonder this generation doesn't know how to spell and resorts to "sms" lingo. You hide your inability to correctly spll and send a perfectly grammared sms by shortening words and making it look like sms lingo.

Anyways, rant aside, it got me thinking about my future. I love writing! I may not be a super talented person, or know how to write masterpieces, but the fact of the matter is I love writing and I want to pursue a career of writing in one form or another. Where will I end up in a decade or so from now if the worlds reading capacity is decreasing an insane rate?

The truth of the matter is, I don't really give a damn. I only have a few people that follow this blog, or read it. I don't only keep this blog to document my life, or just say whats on my heart, but I also keep it so that I have reason to write and a platform to make sure I am constantly practicing. I enjoy it for some odd reason, so I will utilise it and galavant into my methaphorical sunset! *Cue horse neighing noises and galloping hooves* I WILL WRITE! :)

I will be writing an article inspired by what I heard on that radio show, when its done I will be sure to put it up here. If I do not get around to blogging tomorrow (the last day of March, and I am still one blog short of my goal of 25 blogs within 3 months) I wish you the most awesome Easter and whatnot!

Even Dogs Dream Big!

WEEKEND!

This year is honestly scaring me. With each time I blink a month seems to vanish. Can you believe that its nearly the end of March??? A quarter of the year gone in a flash of light!

I have kind of realised that my blog must seem pretty dull to the standard human brain. I know a lot of people who hate reading and that kind of thing, I can only imagine what somebody like that must think if they ever for some strange reason stumble across my blog (this in itself is impossible because surely the above mentioned example of a person would not be searching the internet for a random blog to read in the first place :P). I have also taken note of other blogs I have read, and I really like the idea of adding pictures here and there so that the reader can get more of a feeling from the blog. Now I am not saying that I will be adding pictures to every blog, but every now and then I will try add a random one just for the hell of it.

Remember last week I spoke about how Amber and Gruff are so distant lately due to college and what not? Well I am pleased to report that somehow that has changed. On Saturday, Gareth's power at his house cut out for some unknown reason. He had a lot of college work to do and really needed somewhere to work. He ended up coming to my house and doing his work here. Although he spent his whole visit working, I can honestly say that his visit was good for both of us. I really enjoyed the company as I am sure he did too.

Amber on the other hand, I still haven't seen her since last Friday. I sms'd her just to wish her the best for the week and hope she is well and what not. Then the other day she logged onto Mxit (A chat program for mobile phones here in SA) where we spoke briefly and out of nowhere she said goodnight and logged off. This was at 9pm so it was strange that she would be saying goodnight. Anyways I brushed it off and didn't let it bother me. She just sms'd me now saying thanks for all the sms's I left her, before promptly asking me if I had any series or anything that she could get from me (she is now on holiday, so she has a lot of spare time on her hands) its a bit like "Well thanks for suddenly noticing me and asking for stuff" but I really do enjoy doing stuff for her so it doesn't really bother me. I'm curious to see how this weekend will go, if I will actually get to see her.

Tomorrow I am going to my first ever bachelors :D my friend from school, Jeph, is getting married next month. Its so weird to think that he is getting married. He is only a year older then me, so imagining myself getting married next year seems a bit overwhelming. That being said though, I really cannot wait to get married one day!

Hmmmm what else is there. OH picture time! You guys all know how work is kind of (extremely) boring and what not for me. Well check out this exciting photo I took during this week.




See how excited everybody is? See how up and about they are?? You don't? Oh don't worry... neither do I :) I just thought this photo was so funny because there are like 5 people all leaning on a counter. Just goes to show how lazy people are, not standing up straight and all :P

And just because I am currently in a "Talk crap, upload random stuff" mood too. Here is a random of my little Jack Russel I snapped after work one day. He looks like he is gazing longingly into the horizon, and dreaming big :)



All in all, this week seemed to be pretty good! I am still excited, not quite sure for what, but excited nonetheless. I will probably be back on this weekend to say something, but until then, hope you yourself have a great one!