ERMAGERD! Two consecutive posts!
Well heres something unusual. We all know that I like to think that dreams really carry some sort of significance, and that if we could remember every tiny detail, we could possibly connect each scene in our dreams to something past, present or future. I seldom have nightmares, in fact I don't know when is the last time I had one. By nightmare I mean one of those dreams that has you stressing and waking up in a cold sweat. I haven't had one of those in years.
Last night I had a strange dream. My exams are over and done with, but I did stress quite a bit for my two communication exams. The results are out anytime now, and I dreamt that I failed one of my modules. It was a lot to study for that exam (although I did leave it a little late as usual) and after the exam I sat and calculated the marks I was pretty certain I had obtained. I think I was pretty sure of about 50% of the paper, the pass I needed. In my dream I got a silly 49% overall, 1% short of a pass. I was utterly disgusted.
Imagine my shock and utter joy that morning when I logged on to check if any marks had been released, and I see that I got a freaking 99% mark. This is for a written exam, something that I'm just like O_O about. I'm not posting this here to brag, but merely to illustrate that I am somehow capable of doing some impressive stuff if I put my mind to it. You may or may not know this, but I have next to no self confidence in some of my abilities, and this mark means more to me than people can understand. Not the numerical value, but the fact that I am capable, and I can do this.
Hell, I'm an english major, and I'm sure you've noticed that my writing is riddled with some horrible gramamr and typos. I doubt myself, wondering if I will ever be able to produce anything of value. English at varsity level isn't necassarily difficult, but its really difficult to get a really good mark. I got 71% overall for my one module, and that probably made me feel better than my 99% mark did.
I still have stories to tell and stories to write. I am 25, a quarter century, and my life has yet to take off. I will do it, I know I will. If all goes according to plan and I have passed all my outstanding modules, then I will have officially finished second year. One more year to go, as I embark on my third year of study. I'm capable, and that dream of an English and Communication Degree is within my grasp :) It will feel so good to be finished, so good to have it. My stories will be told, whether I have a silly piece of paper or not. I think its more for me though, to show myself that I am capable.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Thomas Was Alone: A True Gem The World Should Experience
OH MY CRAP!
Telkom has been absolutely shocking lately. I have literally spent the last hour trying to log into my blog so I can spit out a post. Why am I so insistent? I have this awesome track that I have been listening to for said hour, and I must share it with you, whoever or wherever you are.
Thomas Was Alone is an indie game that I received from one of my friends. Briefly (my own defintion), an indie game is basically a game that isn't backed by a fat budget or huge gaming companies. It is a game made by a very small, independent studio, sometimes one or two people alone. Thomas Was Alone as far as I know, was a flash game made by Mike Bithell. I don't know his success story, but I know that said flash game was turned into a fully fledged gem, and a game that has affected me in ways I cannot comprehend.
The premise is simple, you initially control a little red block called Thomas, and you have to travel through each stage to get to a portal on the other side. Heres the thing though, Thomas may be a block, but he has more personality than most people I know in real life. How does a block have personality? Thomas and his quest are narrated quite beautifully, and the narrator does a fantastic job of telling us just how Thomas is feeling and what he is thinking about.
Move along a few levels and you bump into a few different blocks of different shapes and sizes, possessing their own unique personalities and such. Each block also has their own unique set of skills. Claire for example, is the blue square who has super powers! Or at least so she thinks, she merely has the ability to float on water, but that is a super power to her nonetheless. You can only control one block at a time, but you help each other along to reach the portal at the end of the level.
These blocks say didly squat, but you hear what each are feeling thanks to the narrator. You will not believe just how attached you will become to these characters. It is a short game admitedly, taking me only three hours to clock. I finished 85% of this game in one sitting, from about 23:30 till 02:00. I couldn't stop, and I just wanted to make sure that everybody made it to safety. Proof that a game doesn't need big budget or fancy schmancy visuals to impart or invoke emotions such as this one did in me.
What really drives the emotion though is the truly fantastic soundstrack. All composed by David Housden (amazing work dude), it makes the game what it is, sealing it as an epic adventure and making the player smile like an idiot throughout the duration (I could swear I've used this line before somewhere, but hey if the boot fits). One track in particular has been stuck in my head for the last few days. I can forget about it, but merely glancing a thought on it has it back in my eardrums, calming me and making me smile. I youtubed it and to my delight I found a thirty minute extended version. You might think, "THIRTY MINUTES OF THE SAME TUNE?" Yeah I was also like wow... but I have listened to it nearly a dozen times. I just play it and leave it looping in the background. It inspires me and makes me feel like I can do anything. Those damn chimes or whatever they are reverbrate in my heart when I go to sleep and they welcome me when I wake up. I'm quite attached to it, and I don't expect you will feel the same when you hear it. Maybe it reminds me just how much I loved Thomas and his pals, and their quest to fight the system and instil some change :)
-
Here it is for your listening pleasure:
-
Don't sit and stare at your screen while listening to it. Crank up that volume and go find a book to read or some work to do. Just let it play and soak your eardrums in the beauty of it all. If you have the time (and even if you don't), if you are a gamer (and even if you are not), I'd highly recommend this game. It is only $10 on Steam, it will only take three hours of your life, and it will make your day that much brighter. There is hope for narrative and good story telling. I hope I can contribute and keep this dream alive!
GET IT!
Telkom has been absolutely shocking lately. I have literally spent the last hour trying to log into my blog so I can spit out a post. Why am I so insistent? I have this awesome track that I have been listening to for said hour, and I must share it with you, whoever or wherever you are.
Thomas Was Alone is an indie game that I received from one of my friends. Briefly (my own defintion), an indie game is basically a game that isn't backed by a fat budget or huge gaming companies. It is a game made by a very small, independent studio, sometimes one or two people alone. Thomas Was Alone as far as I know, was a flash game made by Mike Bithell. I don't know his success story, but I know that said flash game was turned into a fully fledged gem, and a game that has affected me in ways I cannot comprehend.
The premise is simple, you initially control a little red block called Thomas, and you have to travel through each stage to get to a portal on the other side. Heres the thing though, Thomas may be a block, but he has more personality than most people I know in real life. How does a block have personality? Thomas and his quest are narrated quite beautifully, and the narrator does a fantastic job of telling us just how Thomas is feeling and what he is thinking about.
Move along a few levels and you bump into a few different blocks of different shapes and sizes, possessing their own unique personalities and such. Each block also has their own unique set of skills. Claire for example, is the blue square who has super powers! Or at least so she thinks, she merely has the ability to float on water, but that is a super power to her nonetheless. You can only control one block at a time, but you help each other along to reach the portal at the end of the level.
These blocks say didly squat, but you hear what each are feeling thanks to the narrator. You will not believe just how attached you will become to these characters. It is a short game admitedly, taking me only three hours to clock. I finished 85% of this game in one sitting, from about 23:30 till 02:00. I couldn't stop, and I just wanted to make sure that everybody made it to safety. Proof that a game doesn't need big budget or fancy schmancy visuals to impart or invoke emotions such as this one did in me.
What really drives the emotion though is the truly fantastic soundstrack. All composed by David Housden (amazing work dude), it makes the game what it is, sealing it as an epic adventure and making the player smile like an idiot throughout the duration (I could swear I've used this line before somewhere, but hey if the boot fits). One track in particular has been stuck in my head for the last few days. I can forget about it, but merely glancing a thought on it has it back in my eardrums, calming me and making me smile. I youtubed it and to my delight I found a thirty minute extended version. You might think, "THIRTY MINUTES OF THE SAME TUNE?" Yeah I was also like wow... but I have listened to it nearly a dozen times. I just play it and leave it looping in the background. It inspires me and makes me feel like I can do anything. Those damn chimes or whatever they are reverbrate in my heart when I go to sleep and they welcome me when I wake up. I'm quite attached to it, and I don't expect you will feel the same when you hear it. Maybe it reminds me just how much I loved Thomas and his pals, and their quest to fight the system and instil some change :)
-
Here it is for your listening pleasure:
-
Don't sit and stare at your screen while listening to it. Crank up that volume and go find a book to read or some work to do. Just let it play and soak your eardrums in the beauty of it all. If you have the time (and even if you don't), if you are a gamer (and even if you are not), I'd highly recommend this game. It is only $10 on Steam, it will only take three hours of your life, and it will make your day that much brighter. There is hope for narrative and good story telling. I hope I can contribute and keep this dream alive!
GET IT!
Monday, May 13, 2013
Chronicles of a Fallen Love
No no ... don't worry this post is not about me for a change!
I wrote my first of five exams today which will conclude my second year of my degree in English and Communication. On the way home from the exam, this tune graced my radio shortly before I pulled into my driveway.
Needless to say, the feeling of finishing one of my more difficult exams (the feeling of accomplishment and joy) mixed with this song which I have heard once or twice, lead me to enjoying it like ten times more than normal, and I really really do love it! I hope you do too :) I'm quite interested to see what else the Bloody Beetroots have to offer!
I wrote my first of five exams today which will conclude my second year of my degree in English and Communication. On the way home from the exam, this tune graced my radio shortly before I pulled into my driveway.
Needless to say, the feeling of finishing one of my more difficult exams (the feeling of accomplishment and joy) mixed with this song which I have heard once or twice, lead me to enjoying it like ten times more than normal, and I really really do love it! I hope you do too :) I'm quite interested to see what else the Bloody Beetroots have to offer!
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Sweet Nothing
BOOM!!!
Exams are starting in less than two weeks, and I haven't started stressing just yet. That time will come and I will cram like there is no tomorrow. I always work better under some pressure for some reason.
I've been doing more thinking than normal lately. This I suspect, may be attributed to the fact that I have started reading again. Why did I ever stop? It makes me ponder, and I don't think I do nearly enough of that. I seem to just pass through life passively, barely stopping to contemplate matters of interest or significance. Not that I am now, but I seem to be paying more attention than normal. I sometimes wonder if I am normal. I have a shocking memory, and I forget stuff way to easily. I'm trying to really make an effort here for a change. Some work is slowly dribbling in, and It involved writing which makes me happy :)
Speaking of which, I've started thinking about my books again. A story that has been on my mind for years now, and it seems to be constantly evolving/changing. I've been stuck trying to figure out just how to write it. I have the Game of Thrones series to thank for this. It led me to getting the books, and quite frankly, the multi character story telling perspective is just downright awesome! It makes sense, and I think thats the type of story telling style I may just use.
My dreams? They still occur on the odd evening, and it seems that I will not get rid of them anytime soon. My heart still beats the same old beat, and it hasn't altered its tune. The consistent beat thats existed for the past few years now... it seems to slow down every now and then, but it always picks up exactly where I left off if I let my guard down.
My dad has lung cancer. Not too sure how serious it is (whether it requires chemo or an operation) but some upcoming tests will tell. He won't quit smoking, and has resorted to smoking behind our backs like a rebellious teenager. Its frustrating to say the least. The stubborn gene shines strong, and I can see where I get it from. An anger boils inside of me every time he argues with my mom and sister about his silly habit. The day will come when I resort to lighting up and blackmailing him. I stop when he does. His dad died at the age of 68. My dad is 66 now, and the thought of him dying around the same age freaks the hell out of me. He has always been strong, always. Why does he choose now to be weak, when he needs to be stronger and fight his addiction?
Being pulled over today and receiving a fine for not stopping to a halt at stop street resulted in my sister (who was with me) commenting, "I can't believe how you keep so calm and patient. I would be moaning at the cop!" I told her I am too patient, and I have bucket loads of it. I don't know where I get it from. I always thought it was a good thing, and I still do to a certain extent. Is it really though? Is it good to try and please the world? The world is a selfish place. Very few people seem to have the sentiment of putting others before themselves.
I have the most amazing sister in the world, I can't begin to describe how much she means to me, yet I don't have the words to put down here, or even the words to say to her face.
I miss my brother. His wedding was over a year ago already, and it still feels odd not having him at home. The bond we have is something I am so grateful for.
My mother is struggling with stress. All I can do is absolutely nothing about it. I have all the patience in the world, yet it seems to snap with her. I need to try harder, much much harder, because she does everything for me.
My father needs to be the dad I know him to be, he needs to fight and be strong. I just hope he knows that we are here for him, and we will fight with him.
Exams are starting in less than two weeks, and I haven't started stressing just yet. That time will come and I will cram like there is no tomorrow. I always work better under some pressure for some reason.
I've been doing more thinking than normal lately. This I suspect, may be attributed to the fact that I have started reading again. Why did I ever stop? It makes me ponder, and I don't think I do nearly enough of that. I seem to just pass through life passively, barely stopping to contemplate matters of interest or significance. Not that I am now, but I seem to be paying more attention than normal. I sometimes wonder if I am normal. I have a shocking memory, and I forget stuff way to easily. I'm trying to really make an effort here for a change. Some work is slowly dribbling in, and It involved writing which makes me happy :)
Speaking of which, I've started thinking about my books again. A story that has been on my mind for years now, and it seems to be constantly evolving/changing. I've been stuck trying to figure out just how to write it. I have the Game of Thrones series to thank for this. It led me to getting the books, and quite frankly, the multi character story telling perspective is just downright awesome! It makes sense, and I think thats the type of story telling style I may just use.
My dreams? They still occur on the odd evening, and it seems that I will not get rid of them anytime soon. My heart still beats the same old beat, and it hasn't altered its tune. The consistent beat thats existed for the past few years now... it seems to slow down every now and then, but it always picks up exactly where I left off if I let my guard down.
My dad has lung cancer. Not too sure how serious it is (whether it requires chemo or an operation) but some upcoming tests will tell. He won't quit smoking, and has resorted to smoking behind our backs like a rebellious teenager. Its frustrating to say the least. The stubborn gene shines strong, and I can see where I get it from. An anger boils inside of me every time he argues with my mom and sister about his silly habit. The day will come when I resort to lighting up and blackmailing him. I stop when he does. His dad died at the age of 68. My dad is 66 now, and the thought of him dying around the same age freaks the hell out of me. He has always been strong, always. Why does he choose now to be weak, when he needs to be stronger and fight his addiction?
Being pulled over today and receiving a fine for not stopping to a halt at stop street resulted in my sister (who was with me) commenting, "I can't believe how you keep so calm and patient. I would be moaning at the cop!" I told her I am too patient, and I have bucket loads of it. I don't know where I get it from. I always thought it was a good thing, and I still do to a certain extent. Is it really though? Is it good to try and please the world? The world is a selfish place. Very few people seem to have the sentiment of putting others before themselves.
I have the most amazing sister in the world, I can't begin to describe how much she means to me, yet I don't have the words to put down here, or even the words to say to her face.
I miss my brother. His wedding was over a year ago already, and it still feels odd not having him at home. The bond we have is something I am so grateful for.
My mother is struggling with stress. All I can do is absolutely nothing about it. I have all the patience in the world, yet it seems to snap with her. I need to try harder, much much harder, because she does everything for me.
My father needs to be the dad I know him to be, he needs to fight and be strong. I just hope he knows that we are here for him, and we will fight with him.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Scumbag Scrambled Brains
Sheesh its only been months since I've done anything here. I know I say that like every damn time I post, but if you're like me and you see that your last post was months ago, you'd be equally shocked. So if for some reason you have been reading my entire blog in one sitting, I apologise profusely for any likely repetition.
I'm trying not to break too much from tradition here, plus I don't have anything else to talk about really. I'm here to talk about the age old thorn in my heart, Amber. Its been months since we last really spent time with each other. In fact, coincidentally and everything, it will be four months tomorrow since we properly hung out (according to my last blog post and excluding like the one or two times we went to see movies).
So my plan is shit. Its not working. If you remember, my plan was to just sort of have her fade into a minor role in my life, and for me to not try be as big a part of her life as I always try to be. Using this logic of not participating in her life and vice versa, I was hoping that perhaps I would have a real stab at getting over her and moving on with my life. If at this point you are pulling your hair out saying "OMG REALLY?! HE IS STILL GOING ON ABOUT HER," I will understand completely. As I have said multiple times, I don't understand it myself, and its equally frustrating for me. So yes, clearly I am STILL NOT OVER HER.
How do I know this? Because I find it harder and harder each day to avoid making some sort of proper contact with her. I want to send her a message just asking how she is, how is life, how is she, etc etc etc. The other day my friend Gareth organised a spontaneous breakfast. I was keen to go, but then I found out she was going. A part of me was filled with dread, knowing that any contact with her would probably be painful for me in the long run. The other part was filled with joy because I knew I would get to see her and talk to her.
So we did the breakfast, and I found it hard to look and not look at her (if that makes any sense). I wanted to stare, yet I wanted to avoid staring. I wanted to talk to her, but we barely uttered two sentences to each other. Even though the breakfast was awesome, I drove home feeling disappointed with myself, and a little with her too. I tried making plans to go to movies with her a good few weeks ago which she turned down because she was incredibly busy. Its just hard now knowing that she is on holiday and hasn't really suggested any interest in returning the offer I had posed.
The real reason I wrote this post was because I had another dream last night. I was with her, and we were laughing and acting how we used to be in the good old days. I got to see her and talk to her, hold her and kiss her, something my brain just decided to spring on my unawares. Goddamit brain, can't you at least hear my desires, focus, and help me to move on with my life? Instead you are making it incredibly difficult, immensely hard! This stupid dream has me missing her, a lot.
She is still hanging out with the same friends I have mentioned before. Does she even still think about me? If she does, does it even compare remotely to how much I think about her? Does she even have any inkling of a feeling for me like she used to? Or is she trying to do what I am, and just simply suppress her feelings and move on with her life? Somehow, I doubt it.
I often wonder if I should private this blog, because she now knows about it. She talks to her friends about everything. One of my biggest fears is that she shares this with them. That thought kills me, and I really hope she doesn't. I doubt she would though, because she probably forgot this exists, much how she has forgotten that I exist.
From time to time I will go back and read my last few entries. I feel kind of disgusted and pathetic. Is it possible for me to talk about her in this way, without coming across as a creep or stalker or something far worse? I doubt it. I can't help the way I feel though... I have tried something new, it didn't work. I am close to cracking. I have no idea what I am going to do.
I'm trying not to break too much from tradition here, plus I don't have anything else to talk about really. I'm here to talk about the age old thorn in my heart, Amber. Its been months since we last really spent time with each other. In fact, coincidentally and everything, it will be four months tomorrow since we properly hung out (according to my last blog post and excluding like the one or two times we went to see movies).
So my plan is shit. Its not working. If you remember, my plan was to just sort of have her fade into a minor role in my life, and for me to not try be as big a part of her life as I always try to be. Using this logic of not participating in her life and vice versa, I was hoping that perhaps I would have a real stab at getting over her and moving on with my life. If at this point you are pulling your hair out saying "OMG REALLY?! HE IS STILL GOING ON ABOUT HER," I will understand completely. As I have said multiple times, I don't understand it myself, and its equally frustrating for me. So yes, clearly I am STILL NOT OVER HER.
How do I know this? Because I find it harder and harder each day to avoid making some sort of proper contact with her. I want to send her a message just asking how she is, how is life, how is she, etc etc etc. The other day my friend Gareth organised a spontaneous breakfast. I was keen to go, but then I found out she was going. A part of me was filled with dread, knowing that any contact with her would probably be painful for me in the long run. The other part was filled with joy because I knew I would get to see her and talk to her.
So we did the breakfast, and I found it hard to look and not look at her (if that makes any sense). I wanted to stare, yet I wanted to avoid staring. I wanted to talk to her, but we barely uttered two sentences to each other. Even though the breakfast was awesome, I drove home feeling disappointed with myself, and a little with her too. I tried making plans to go to movies with her a good few weeks ago which she turned down because she was incredibly busy. Its just hard now knowing that she is on holiday and hasn't really suggested any interest in returning the offer I had posed.
The real reason I wrote this post was because I had another dream last night. I was with her, and we were laughing and acting how we used to be in the good old days. I got to see her and talk to her, hold her and kiss her, something my brain just decided to spring on my unawares. Goddamit brain, can't you at least hear my desires, focus, and help me to move on with my life? Instead you are making it incredibly difficult, immensely hard! This stupid dream has me missing her, a lot.
She is still hanging out with the same friends I have mentioned before. Does she even still think about me? If she does, does it even compare remotely to how much I think about her? Does she even have any inkling of a feeling for me like she used to? Or is she trying to do what I am, and just simply suppress her feelings and move on with her life? Somehow, I doubt it.
I often wonder if I should private this blog, because she now knows about it. She talks to her friends about everything. One of my biggest fears is that she shares this with them. That thought kills me, and I really hope she doesn't. I doubt she would though, because she probably forgot this exists, much how she has forgotten that I exist.
From time to time I will go back and read my last few entries. I feel kind of disgusted and pathetic. Is it possible for me to talk about her in this way, without coming across as a creep or stalker or something far worse? I doubt it. I can't help the way I feel though... I have tried something new, it didn't work. I am close to cracking. I have no idea what I am going to do.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
My Love
Heya long lost blog.
Thought I'd have a quick catch up, something that had been long overdue!
The last 2-3 months have been pretty heavy on me. I got retrenched from my job (don't think I ever wrote that anywhere). Its slowly catching up to me as I have been living off my savings since then, still paying my car and many other expenses. Now that I am on holiday I guess I should be looking for work, but I have no idea what to do. I have a contact for Au Pair work and for promotional work, the latter which I don't really want to do as I hate it. Time will tell most likely.
I've been extremely lonely over the last few months. My two closest friends have been so distant, it honestly doesn't feel like they exist anymore. This is made worse by the fact that I've hardly gone out over the past few weeks. I don't really have money to spare, but that aside, I haven't really been cracking invites from either of them.
Gareth hurt me a few weeks ago, more then I care to admit. He asked me to lend my camera for a shoot he had to do. This itself wasn't a problem. It was only after a few days that I found out he was lending my camera so another friend of ours could road trip with him to shoot a gig and use my camera to assist. It just really seemed fucking inconsiderate. Do I exist just to be used when convenient? Why would I not be first choice for such a trip? -_-
I went to Ambie's last night to drop off some series. In our conversation we had later in the evening, she posed a question. "Who is your best friend?" I've always considered her to be my closest friend, more than Gareth. I couldn't bring myself to even say it was her, because it no longer was. She had made some close friends in college, which I am grateful for. She is getting to experience a great student life, grow up socially, and just have fun. En route though, she has seemingly forgotten about me, something that has been cutting into me each and every day. I still think about her constantly, wondering what she is up to and how she is. It just seemed like she didn't really care about me much anymore, replacing any friendship between us with her new friends.
A few weeks back she said "We don't talk much anymore. Its actually quite sad." I've indirectly tried hinting that her time is permanently spent with her friends, which she often replied "maybe." The issue isn't her friends, I think they are a cool bunch of people. Remember that I am being one-sided here, I have no idea what goes on in her mind or how she really feels. I just felt lonely, being excluded from her life.
Back to last night, I couldn't answer her question. I have no real best friends. We spoke calmly about it. I had to fight hard not to burst into tears. The months of accumulation had built up and I was ready to crack. I had a mini break down, but I told her how I felt. She told me she was sorry, which made me feel a little better.
I can kind of understand her perspective. It honestly is great that she has made a new group of friends. Does she really need the friendship of an ex boyfriend? It makes me feel super depressed. I know we might not be compatible, might not be meant for each other. I just can't imagine not having her in my life though. I know that if she ever finds another guy I'm going to have to suck it up big time and get over it. I had a nightmare about it the other day; she was in the arms of another guy, and just before they kissed, I woke up. It was quite shitty :S I really didn't like it.
I know the above is an incoherent ramble, but as always, writing always seems to make me feel a hell of a lot better. I'm a mess, more than I care to admit. My family doesn't know it. Sure, I'm a happy guy by default, but I've gotten really good at keeping my feelings to myself (mostly anyways). I just don't want to inconvenience anybody with this bullshit, and I feel stupid for feeling the way I do. Amber Amber Amber Amber Amber... The name thats been on my heart for over five years now. Is this is not love? If it isn't, then I'm crazy. What do I do? Who knows. Keep pushing on I guess.
I wish I had a better memory, so I could document or write out my thoughts better. I don't really feel like I said what I wanted to, but I haven't read what I have written so yeah. I know Amber still cares about me, and that should be enough. This pressure I try force onto her is rubbish, but I think I've done a good job lately, trying to play a dormant role, a friend in the background that will always be there for her regardless of everything. I hope she knows that... I hope she does.
This might seem silly, but we listened to music yesterday and I completely forgot about this one song she had put on a playlist she made for me a year or two ago. Its been in my head all day, being whistled, hummed, etc. If we were to get married one day, I could see us dancing to this. The song may not be appropriate, but its beautiful to me. Thinking about us dancing makes me well up. God, this woman will be the death of me. I love her, I really do.
Not The Official Video, but this is it.
I need to get back into writing. I need to get back to being normal.
Thought I'd have a quick catch up, something that had been long overdue!
The last 2-3 months have been pretty heavy on me. I got retrenched from my job (don't think I ever wrote that anywhere). Its slowly catching up to me as I have been living off my savings since then, still paying my car and many other expenses. Now that I am on holiday I guess I should be looking for work, but I have no idea what to do. I have a contact for Au Pair work and for promotional work, the latter which I don't really want to do as I hate it. Time will tell most likely.
I've been extremely lonely over the last few months. My two closest friends have been so distant, it honestly doesn't feel like they exist anymore. This is made worse by the fact that I've hardly gone out over the past few weeks. I don't really have money to spare, but that aside, I haven't really been cracking invites from either of them.
Gareth hurt me a few weeks ago, more then I care to admit. He asked me to lend my camera for a shoot he had to do. This itself wasn't a problem. It was only after a few days that I found out he was lending my camera so another friend of ours could road trip with him to shoot a gig and use my camera to assist. It just really seemed fucking inconsiderate. Do I exist just to be used when convenient? Why would I not be first choice for such a trip? -_-
I went to Ambie's last night to drop off some series. In our conversation we had later in the evening, she posed a question. "Who is your best friend?" I've always considered her to be my closest friend, more than Gareth. I couldn't bring myself to even say it was her, because it no longer was. She had made some close friends in college, which I am grateful for. She is getting to experience a great student life, grow up socially, and just have fun. En route though, she has seemingly forgotten about me, something that has been cutting into me each and every day. I still think about her constantly, wondering what she is up to and how she is. It just seemed like she didn't really care about me much anymore, replacing any friendship between us with her new friends.
A few weeks back she said "We don't talk much anymore. Its actually quite sad." I've indirectly tried hinting that her time is permanently spent with her friends, which she often replied "maybe." The issue isn't her friends, I think they are a cool bunch of people. Remember that I am being one-sided here, I have no idea what goes on in her mind or how she really feels. I just felt lonely, being excluded from her life.
Back to last night, I couldn't answer her question. I have no real best friends. We spoke calmly about it. I had to fight hard not to burst into tears. The months of accumulation had built up and I was ready to crack. I had a mini break down, but I told her how I felt. She told me she was sorry, which made me feel a little better.
I can kind of understand her perspective. It honestly is great that she has made a new group of friends. Does she really need the friendship of an ex boyfriend? It makes me feel super depressed. I know we might not be compatible, might not be meant for each other. I just can't imagine not having her in my life though. I know that if she ever finds another guy I'm going to have to suck it up big time and get over it. I had a nightmare about it the other day; she was in the arms of another guy, and just before they kissed, I woke up. It was quite shitty :S I really didn't like it.
I know the above is an incoherent ramble, but as always, writing always seems to make me feel a hell of a lot better. I'm a mess, more than I care to admit. My family doesn't know it. Sure, I'm a happy guy by default, but I've gotten really good at keeping my feelings to myself (mostly anyways). I just don't want to inconvenience anybody with this bullshit, and I feel stupid for feeling the way I do. Amber Amber Amber Amber Amber... The name thats been on my heart for over five years now. Is this is not love? If it isn't, then I'm crazy. What do I do? Who knows. Keep pushing on I guess.
I wish I had a better memory, so I could document or write out my thoughts better. I don't really feel like I said what I wanted to, but I haven't read what I have written so yeah. I know Amber still cares about me, and that should be enough. This pressure I try force onto her is rubbish, but I think I've done a good job lately, trying to play a dormant role, a friend in the background that will always be there for her regardless of everything. I hope she knows that... I hope she does.
This might seem silly, but we listened to music yesterday and I completely forgot about this one song she had put on a playlist she made for me a year or two ago. Its been in my head all day, being whistled, hummed, etc. If we were to get married one day, I could see us dancing to this. The song may not be appropriate, but its beautiful to me. Thinking about us dancing makes me well up. God, this woman will be the death of me. I love her, I really do.
Not The Official Video, but this is it.
I need to get back into writing. I need to get back to being normal.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Chronological Speed? SLOOOOOOOW DOWN!
Well, isn't this a pleasant surprise hmmmm? Here I am writing once more when I thought I would no longer use this blog at all. Where does one even begin?
For starters, my last post was nearly a year ago. I honest to God can't believe that it has been that long since I've poured out my feelings. Firstly, time flies. Secondly, thats a long time to not talk to anybody about whats going on in ones mind.
Next, I must say I like the new layout of the publishing part of blogger. Its nice and neat and seems like a vast improvement over the old editor.
I'm slightly out of touch with writing personal stuff down lately, so forgive me if I am all over the show. This feels so nice already though!
I did the unthinkable a couple of months ago and told Amber about this blog. Giving my big black book to the subject in which I constantly talk about? Yeah madness I know. I really thought she would be offended by some vile stuff I have said, but she didn't seem to be. It felt nice to know that she finally had some sort of insight into what goes on in my mind, even when most of the time I don't even know myself.
I don't regret telling her, I don't think. If anything, I really think it was a huge relief for the most part. We were fighting at the time, and quite frankly in the make up discussion, I felt like she was being really honest with me, so I thought it was only fair that I be honest with her. What better way than to let her read what went on in my mildly abnormal mind over the last couple of years? Granted I don't remember the details about that particular evening when I shared this secret information, but It genuinely felt like the time was right.
But, what if she logs on now and reads current affairs as they happen? A part of me couldn't be bothered, but the other part of me that would suspects that she isnt rushing to that bookmark to see if I've written anything. Also, highly unlikely because I last blogged nearly a year ago. Lastly, she got a new Mac and I suspect that she didn't back up her bookmarks off her pc. I guess she could always google and such, with surprisingly accurate results. I still find the whole thing unlikely, and quite honestly... I'd just like to write. If she does read this and any future posts, well maybe she will do me the favour and not downright tell me so. If she does and I do blog frequently, I could always just private the whole damn site for only myself to see :P just saying.
So... the whole Amber story? There is no beginning into where I left off the last time. We are just friends, who act mostly as friends to each other. As I've spoken about countless times before, it genuinely is a difficult task for me. I can spend weeks not seeing her, thinking that I'm doing alright and being mature, moving on with life. Then I can spend the teeniest bit of time with her, see her briefly, or just have an old school random conversation with her and I'm instantly teleported back to square 1. MAGIC? Possible. ANNOYING AS HELL? Absolutely!
Yet lately I thought I was doing alright. As mean as it may seem, I'm making an honest effort not to talk to her. By that I mean I am not initiating any conversation with her, sparking any plans of seeing each other. I let her do all the initiating, as douchebag as that may seem. I promise, my intentions are good, and I'm trying to do it for the benefit of both of us.
Problem is, she mentioned it the other day over whatsapp. She said that it feels like we aren't so close anymore. Something that I'm forcefully putting into place. You'd think I'd just get over her already, and by all forms of logic and such, I should be! Yet I'm not. A small part of me doesn't mind, because I know my heart still craves that connection and future with her. The other part? Pissed off, annoyed, hurt... everything you'd expect from a whiney teenage girl. Could I grow up already? Could she stop frikking enchanting me without any effort on her part?
I don't know what the ef happened last night, but up until then I had been managing fine. Wearing my tough guy/don't care mask. I had a good day and everything, but my whole mood changed in the evening. I had some sort of lame emotional break down >_< like in every sense. Every part of my fibre turned from happy to sad. All I wanted to do was tell Amber that I don't like being "distant" friends, that I missed her immensely, that I still loved her deeply, and that its bullshit that we aren't together. I would never tell her the last two parts, but I came extremely close to admitting to her how much she was missed. God, it was annoying and I felt like an idiot.
Thankfully, I was overtired, and perhaps my rash thoughts were the result of a tired brain, and possibly a lonely heart. And that, is why I am here. Whenever there is something that eats me from the inside, nothing feels better than spilling its guts out onto paper (or the internet :P).
I'm pretty sure it must be exasperating for Amber to think that I still have these feelings for her when as far as I know, she does not share the same (at least not on my level. I think). In a parallel universe where she is chasing after me, I'm sure I would also be annoyed if I seemingly did nothing and had this crazy girl declaring her undying love for me.
I guess I could recap on what has happened over the last year, but I am far too lazy and amnetic to remember the tiny and even major details.
So there you have it. I'm out of retirement and writing again! There is lots more non Amber related stuff on my mind (writing, work, college, blah blah blah) but I guess that is for another time.
No spellcheck, no editing. Good luck reading my ramble if you are, because I'm not keen to do so myself ;)
For starters, my last post was nearly a year ago. I honest to God can't believe that it has been that long since I've poured out my feelings. Firstly, time flies. Secondly, thats a long time to not talk to anybody about whats going on in ones mind.
Next, I must say I like the new layout of the publishing part of blogger. Its nice and neat and seems like a vast improvement over the old editor.
I'm slightly out of touch with writing personal stuff down lately, so forgive me if I am all over the show. This feels so nice already though!
I did the unthinkable a couple of months ago and told Amber about this blog. Giving my big black book to the subject in which I constantly talk about? Yeah madness I know. I really thought she would be offended by some vile stuff I have said, but she didn't seem to be. It felt nice to know that she finally had some sort of insight into what goes on in my mind, even when most of the time I don't even know myself.
I don't regret telling her, I don't think. If anything, I really think it was a huge relief for the most part. We were fighting at the time, and quite frankly in the make up discussion, I felt like she was being really honest with me, so I thought it was only fair that I be honest with her. What better way than to let her read what went on in my mildly abnormal mind over the last couple of years? Granted I don't remember the details about that particular evening when I shared this secret information, but It genuinely felt like the time was right.
But, what if she logs on now and reads current affairs as they happen? A part of me couldn't be bothered, but the other part of me that would suspects that she isnt rushing to that bookmark to see if I've written anything. Also, highly unlikely because I last blogged nearly a year ago. Lastly, she got a new Mac and I suspect that she didn't back up her bookmarks off her pc. I guess she could always google and such, with surprisingly accurate results. I still find the whole thing unlikely, and quite honestly... I'd just like to write. If she does read this and any future posts, well maybe she will do me the favour and not downright tell me so. If she does and I do blog frequently, I could always just private the whole damn site for only myself to see :P just saying.
So... the whole Amber story? There is no beginning into where I left off the last time. We are just friends, who act mostly as friends to each other. As I've spoken about countless times before, it genuinely is a difficult task for me. I can spend weeks not seeing her, thinking that I'm doing alright and being mature, moving on with life. Then I can spend the teeniest bit of time with her, see her briefly, or just have an old school random conversation with her and I'm instantly teleported back to square 1. MAGIC? Possible. ANNOYING AS HELL? Absolutely!
Yet lately I thought I was doing alright. As mean as it may seem, I'm making an honest effort not to talk to her. By that I mean I am not initiating any conversation with her, sparking any plans of seeing each other. I let her do all the initiating, as douchebag as that may seem. I promise, my intentions are good, and I'm trying to do it for the benefit of both of us.
Problem is, she mentioned it the other day over whatsapp. She said that it feels like we aren't so close anymore. Something that I'm forcefully putting into place. You'd think I'd just get over her already, and by all forms of logic and such, I should be! Yet I'm not. A small part of me doesn't mind, because I know my heart still craves that connection and future with her. The other part? Pissed off, annoyed, hurt... everything you'd expect from a whiney teenage girl. Could I grow up already? Could she stop frikking enchanting me without any effort on her part?
I don't know what the ef happened last night, but up until then I had been managing fine. Wearing my tough guy/don't care mask. I had a good day and everything, but my whole mood changed in the evening. I had some sort of lame emotional break down >_< like in every sense. Every part of my fibre turned from happy to sad. All I wanted to do was tell Amber that I don't like being "distant" friends, that I missed her immensely, that I still loved her deeply, and that its bullshit that we aren't together. I would never tell her the last two parts, but I came extremely close to admitting to her how much she was missed. God, it was annoying and I felt like an idiot.
Thankfully, I was overtired, and perhaps my rash thoughts were the result of a tired brain, and possibly a lonely heart. And that, is why I am here. Whenever there is something that eats me from the inside, nothing feels better than spilling its guts out onto paper (or the internet :P).
I'm pretty sure it must be exasperating for Amber to think that I still have these feelings for her when as far as I know, she does not share the same (at least not on my level. I think). In a parallel universe where she is chasing after me, I'm sure I would also be annoyed if I seemingly did nothing and had this crazy girl declaring her undying love for me.
I guess I could recap on what has happened over the last year, but I am far too lazy and amnetic to remember the tiny and even major details.
So there you have it. I'm out of retirement and writing again! There is lots more non Amber related stuff on my mind (writing, work, college, blah blah blah) but I guess that is for another time.
No spellcheck, no editing. Good luck reading my ramble if you are, because I'm not keen to do so myself ;)
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About Me
- HairyKnees
- South Africa
- BA English and Communication graduate. I like to write stuff!