So my dad got pneumonia two weeks ago, hardly the best thing to have in his current state and all. It seems like it has cleared out at least!
We got told today that the cancer has spread from his lung to the bone in his shoulder (UPDATE: I have no idea what I was smoking when I wrote this. There is nothing wrong with the bone! Its lung cancer, and its affected the nerves in his shoulder.) His shoulder has been hurting him for months now... its a bit ridiculous that they only figured out the problem now. I don't know if I'm a big fan of doctors lately. Today we waited two and a half hours just to be referred to another doctor, then being charged R420 by the doctor who did the referring >_< REALLY??!??
Also, I stood up to my dad the other day after he asked me to stop at a shop so he could buy a smoke. I told him I refuse to stop, and to my surprise he agreed with me and told me to keep driving.
Here, have a feel good song that I have really been loving lately.
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Lastly, http://8tracks.com/ is a freaking awesome site! Stream playlists forever and ever, its been a great way to unwind.
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Sorry for the disjointed post, I'm sure you'll forgive me :)
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
The GG
The Great Gasby, a timeless classic that has been read by vast amounts of people. I watched the latest film interpretation of it tonight, starring Tobey Maguire and Leonardo DiCaprio. An Amber post was inevitable I'm afraid, so here it is.
We have barely spoken over the last few months. She had an exhibition recently, which she has been prepping for pretty much the whole year. Throw in some crazy college work and you have one really busy woman. So I know why things have been so quiet, but I'm still a little bit disheartened by just how quiet things have been. I haven't told her yet that my dad has cancer, but I make a point of not going out to tell people because I don't want to seem like I'm seeking attention or anything like that. Its a family battle, and I only tell those who actually seem to care how my dad has doing. Needless to say, Amber has not so much has spoken to me much, let alone enquired about my dads health and such. Regardless, she knows my dad and I thought that she should know. I wasn't about to message straight up though, saying what his status and all that is.
I tried to start a conversation a few weeks ago, something along the lines of how shes doing and so on. I honestly had the intention of just talking about her exhibition to get a talk going. Yet when asked how she was she said she was stressed and didn't want to talk about her exhibition. I pushed a little, at least finding out the date, how she feels about it etc. Then she really said she doesn't want to talk about it, to which I asked what topic would suit her. She apologised, said she was tired and was going to bed. So yeah I tried, but to no avail. I did consider trying again in the following weeks, but I just felt like I was being an inconvenience in her life, so decided against it.
Her exhibition night came, and I finally got to see its awesomeness (which it genuienly was). I really don't have much money to spend lately, so I felt super depressed that I couldn't support her by getting a piece or two. I really would have bought two specific pieces if I had the money because I loved them. It was good to see just how her hard work paid off, and everybody seemed to love all the material she had produced. That aside, that was the first time I had seen her in months. We barely spoke to each other. From my side, I just didn't know what to say. I feel like an utter stranger, spectating this new Amber with her friends like I'm an outsider. At one point we were kind of forced to interact. She found my feet under the table and pressed down on them with hers. I don't know if I was supposed to respond or anything, but I kept my legs dead still. Thinking on it now, I wish I had maybe responded just a little. Still, unexpected from her and I have no idea how I should have interpreted that. Also, she hugged me properly when saying hello and goodbye. Its still a touchy subject for me, because if I don't get a proper hug like a normal human being, I'd rather just not hug at all. It was a little suprising admittedly.
Following the exhibition, she is on holiday now. The only reason I have not asked to go out or anything is because quite frankly, I'm tired of being shut down. So I left the ball in her court, hoping she would make the plans to see me when she is free. The thing is, I would cancel anything to see her, and make the time to do it if needed. I know I am second in line for whatever her life requires, I am the ex boyfriend after all. Its just the way I feel though, and I wish I could change it. Anyways, I did tell her she must let me know when she wanted to do coffee or movies or something. She finally asked to go to a movie and coffee, and tt really made me happy, thinking I would finally get some alone time to just chat to her and just talk.
Of course, there is always a goddam spanner. Gareth got back from scaling Kiliminjaro on the same day, and Amber kindly informed me that she had invited him to come with to movies. I really shouldn't have anything against that, but so much for the social time, whenever they are together I become a third wheel. Throw in a bunch of others, and I fade into non existence. Much like her exhibition, we barely spoke to each other. I suppose I should just accept that she doesn't want to be close to me anymore, and move on with my life. I mean, you would think that after knowing each other for six to seven years, we would be at least decent friends (even after the relationship which ended yeeeeears ago). Unfortunately, I think I am delusional and I should stop expecting her to see me as some part of her life. Even if I have tried my best to be there for her, support her, etc through the ups and downs (some of which may of course been caused by me in the first place), I guess I can't expect her to acknowledge me forever.
The reason I bought The Great Gatsby into this, is because I sometimes think that I hold some of the dreams Gatsby had. That elusive green light, the promise of the perfectAmerican South African dream. He goes out of his way, builds himself up and builds a life around him for Daisy. If you know the story, read on. If you plan on reading or watching it, skip this paragraph to avoid plot spoilers. In short, Gatsby dies chasing his dream and trying to please Daisy. She forgets about him and moves on with her "perfect" life. Sure he might be delusional, ignoring Nick when he is told, "you can't recreate history." Yet he does try to recreate that history, leading to his sad demise.
I honestly see myself in that way to a certain extent. I have genuinely made sacrifices to make Amber happy, to try please her as much as possible (and even now trying to stay out of her way so I don't make her sad or inconvenience her), yet it seems like it has all been for null. I barely exist, and she is going to move on with her life with some Tom Buchanan. I don't know if we would ever be able to recreate the love we had, or even if she could ever feel the same for me as I do for her. That green light of mine may only just be a dream, something unattainable. Years and years of this crap, and here I am still talking about it. I must be a sucker for hope, because I guess I will always hope that one day she may see the light.
We have barely spoken over the last few months. She had an exhibition recently, which she has been prepping for pretty much the whole year. Throw in some crazy college work and you have one really busy woman. So I know why things have been so quiet, but I'm still a little bit disheartened by just how quiet things have been. I haven't told her yet that my dad has cancer, but I make a point of not going out to tell people because I don't want to seem like I'm seeking attention or anything like that. Its a family battle, and I only tell those who actually seem to care how my dad has doing. Needless to say, Amber has not so much has spoken to me much, let alone enquired about my dads health and such. Regardless, she knows my dad and I thought that she should know. I wasn't about to message straight up though, saying what his status and all that is.
I tried to start a conversation a few weeks ago, something along the lines of how shes doing and so on. I honestly had the intention of just talking about her exhibition to get a talk going. Yet when asked how she was she said she was stressed and didn't want to talk about her exhibition. I pushed a little, at least finding out the date, how she feels about it etc. Then she really said she doesn't want to talk about it, to which I asked what topic would suit her. She apologised, said she was tired and was going to bed. So yeah I tried, but to no avail. I did consider trying again in the following weeks, but I just felt like I was being an inconvenience in her life, so decided against it.
Her exhibition night came, and I finally got to see its awesomeness (which it genuienly was). I really don't have much money to spend lately, so I felt super depressed that I couldn't support her by getting a piece or two. I really would have bought two specific pieces if I had the money because I loved them. It was good to see just how her hard work paid off, and everybody seemed to love all the material she had produced. That aside, that was the first time I had seen her in months. We barely spoke to each other. From my side, I just didn't know what to say. I feel like an utter stranger, spectating this new Amber with her friends like I'm an outsider. At one point we were kind of forced to interact. She found my feet under the table and pressed down on them with hers. I don't know if I was supposed to respond or anything, but I kept my legs dead still. Thinking on it now, I wish I had maybe responded just a little. Still, unexpected from her and I have no idea how I should have interpreted that. Also, she hugged me properly when saying hello and goodbye. Its still a touchy subject for me, because if I don't get a proper hug like a normal human being, I'd rather just not hug at all. It was a little suprising admittedly.
Following the exhibition, she is on holiday now. The only reason I have not asked to go out or anything is because quite frankly, I'm tired of being shut down. So I left the ball in her court, hoping she would make the plans to see me when she is free. The thing is, I would cancel anything to see her, and make the time to do it if needed. I know I am second in line for whatever her life requires, I am the ex boyfriend after all. Its just the way I feel though, and I wish I could change it. Anyways, I did tell her she must let me know when she wanted to do coffee or movies or something. She finally asked to go to a movie and coffee, and tt really made me happy, thinking I would finally get some alone time to just chat to her and just talk.
Of course, there is always a goddam spanner. Gareth got back from scaling Kiliminjaro on the same day, and Amber kindly informed me that she had invited him to come with to movies. I really shouldn't have anything against that, but so much for the social time, whenever they are together I become a third wheel. Throw in a bunch of others, and I fade into non existence. Much like her exhibition, we barely spoke to each other. I suppose I should just accept that she doesn't want to be close to me anymore, and move on with my life. I mean, you would think that after knowing each other for six to seven years, we would be at least decent friends (even after the relationship which ended yeeeeears ago). Unfortunately, I think I am delusional and I should stop expecting her to see me as some part of her life. Even if I have tried my best to be there for her, support her, etc through the ups and downs (some of which may of course been caused by me in the first place), I guess I can't expect her to acknowledge me forever.
The reason I bought The Great Gatsby into this, is because I sometimes think that I hold some of the dreams Gatsby had. That elusive green light, the promise of the perfect
I honestly see myself in that way to a certain extent. I have genuinely made sacrifices to make Amber happy, to try please her as much as possible (and even now trying to stay out of her way so I don't make her sad or inconvenience her), yet it seems like it has all been for null. I barely exist, and she is going to move on with her life with some Tom Buchanan. I don't know if we would ever be able to recreate the love we had, or even if she could ever feel the same for me as I do for her. That green light of mine may only just be a dream, something unattainable. Years and years of this crap, and here I am still talking about it. I must be a sucker for hope, because I guess I will always hope that one day she may see the light.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Since You've Stuck Around
ERMAGERD! Two consecutive posts!
Well heres something unusual. We all know that I like to think that dreams really carry some sort of significance, and that if we could remember every tiny detail, we could possibly connect each scene in our dreams to something past, present or future. I seldom have nightmares, in fact I don't know when is the last time I had one. By nightmare I mean one of those dreams that has you stressing and waking up in a cold sweat. I haven't had one of those in years.
Last night I had a strange dream. My exams are over and done with, but I did stress quite a bit for my two communication exams. The results are out anytime now, and I dreamt that I failed one of my modules. It was a lot to study for that exam (although I did leave it a little late as usual) and after the exam I sat and calculated the marks I was pretty certain I had obtained. I think I was pretty sure of about 50% of the paper, the pass I needed. In my dream I got a silly 49% overall, 1% short of a pass. I was utterly disgusted.
Imagine my shock and utter joy that morning when I logged on to check if any marks had been released, and I see that I got a freaking 99% mark. This is for a written exam, something that I'm just like O_O about. I'm not posting this here to brag, but merely to illustrate that I am somehow capable of doing some impressive stuff if I put my mind to it. You may or may not know this, but I have next to no self confidence in some of my abilities, and this mark means more to me than people can understand. Not the numerical value, but the fact that I am capable, and I can do this.
Hell, I'm an english major, and I'm sure you've noticed that my writing is riddled with some horrible gramamr and typos. I doubt myself, wondering if I will ever be able to produce anything of value. English at varsity level isn't necassarily difficult, but its really difficult to get a really good mark. I got 71% overall for my one module, and that probably made me feel better than my 99% mark did.
I still have stories to tell and stories to write. I am 25, a quarter century, and my life has yet to take off. I will do it, I know I will. If all goes according to plan and I have passed all my outstanding modules, then I will have officially finished second year. One more year to go, as I embark on my third year of study. I'm capable, and that dream of an English and Communication Degree is within my grasp :) It will feel so good to be finished, so good to have it. My stories will be told, whether I have a silly piece of paper or not. I think its more for me though, to show myself that I am capable.
Well heres something unusual. We all know that I like to think that dreams really carry some sort of significance, and that if we could remember every tiny detail, we could possibly connect each scene in our dreams to something past, present or future. I seldom have nightmares, in fact I don't know when is the last time I had one. By nightmare I mean one of those dreams that has you stressing and waking up in a cold sweat. I haven't had one of those in years.
Last night I had a strange dream. My exams are over and done with, but I did stress quite a bit for my two communication exams. The results are out anytime now, and I dreamt that I failed one of my modules. It was a lot to study for that exam (although I did leave it a little late as usual) and after the exam I sat and calculated the marks I was pretty certain I had obtained. I think I was pretty sure of about 50% of the paper, the pass I needed. In my dream I got a silly 49% overall, 1% short of a pass. I was utterly disgusted.
Imagine my shock and utter joy that morning when I logged on to check if any marks had been released, and I see that I got a freaking 99% mark. This is for a written exam, something that I'm just like O_O about. I'm not posting this here to brag, but merely to illustrate that I am somehow capable of doing some impressive stuff if I put my mind to it. You may or may not know this, but I have next to no self confidence in some of my abilities, and this mark means more to me than people can understand. Not the numerical value, but the fact that I am capable, and I can do this.
Hell, I'm an english major, and I'm sure you've noticed that my writing is riddled with some horrible gramamr and typos. I doubt myself, wondering if I will ever be able to produce anything of value. English at varsity level isn't necassarily difficult, but its really difficult to get a really good mark. I got 71% overall for my one module, and that probably made me feel better than my 99% mark did.
I still have stories to tell and stories to write. I am 25, a quarter century, and my life has yet to take off. I will do it, I know I will. If all goes according to plan and I have passed all my outstanding modules, then I will have officially finished second year. One more year to go, as I embark on my third year of study. I'm capable, and that dream of an English and Communication Degree is within my grasp :) It will feel so good to be finished, so good to have it. My stories will be told, whether I have a silly piece of paper or not. I think its more for me though, to show myself that I am capable.
Thomas Was Alone: A True Gem The World Should Experience
OH MY CRAP!
Telkom has been absolutely shocking lately. I have literally spent the last hour trying to log into my blog so I can spit out a post. Why am I so insistent? I have this awesome track that I have been listening to for said hour, and I must share it with you, whoever or wherever you are.
Thomas Was Alone is an indie game that I received from one of my friends. Briefly (my own defintion), an indie game is basically a game that isn't backed by a fat budget or huge gaming companies. It is a game made by a very small, independent studio, sometimes one or two people alone. Thomas Was Alone as far as I know, was a flash game made by Mike Bithell. I don't know his success story, but I know that said flash game was turned into a fully fledged gem, and a game that has affected me in ways I cannot comprehend.
The premise is simple, you initially control a little red block called Thomas, and you have to travel through each stage to get to a portal on the other side. Heres the thing though, Thomas may be a block, but he has more personality than most people I know in real life. How does a block have personality? Thomas and his quest are narrated quite beautifully, and the narrator does a fantastic job of telling us just how Thomas is feeling and what he is thinking about.
Move along a few levels and you bump into a few different blocks of different shapes and sizes, possessing their own unique personalities and such. Each block also has their own unique set of skills. Claire for example, is the blue square who has super powers! Or at least so she thinks, she merely has the ability to float on water, but that is a super power to her nonetheless. You can only control one block at a time, but you help each other along to reach the portal at the end of the level.
These blocks say didly squat, but you hear what each are feeling thanks to the narrator. You will not believe just how attached you will become to these characters. It is a short game admitedly, taking me only three hours to clock. I finished 85% of this game in one sitting, from about 23:30 till 02:00. I couldn't stop, and I just wanted to make sure that everybody made it to safety. Proof that a game doesn't need big budget or fancy schmancy visuals to impart or invoke emotions such as this one did in me.
What really drives the emotion though is the truly fantastic soundstrack. All composed by David Housden (amazing work dude), it makes the game what it is, sealing it as an epic adventure and making the player smile like an idiot throughout the duration (I could swear I've used this line before somewhere, but hey if the boot fits). One track in particular has been stuck in my head for the last few days. I can forget about it, but merely glancing a thought on it has it back in my eardrums, calming me and making me smile. I youtubed it and to my delight I found a thirty minute extended version. You might think, "THIRTY MINUTES OF THE SAME TUNE?" Yeah I was also like wow... but I have listened to it nearly a dozen times. I just play it and leave it looping in the background. It inspires me and makes me feel like I can do anything. Those damn chimes or whatever they are reverbrate in my heart when I go to sleep and they welcome me when I wake up. I'm quite attached to it, and I don't expect you will feel the same when you hear it. Maybe it reminds me just how much I loved Thomas and his pals, and their quest to fight the system and instil some change :)
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Here it is for your listening pleasure:
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Don't sit and stare at your screen while listening to it. Crank up that volume and go find a book to read or some work to do. Just let it play and soak your eardrums in the beauty of it all. If you have the time (and even if you don't), if you are a gamer (and even if you are not), I'd highly recommend this game. It is only $10 on Steam, it will only take three hours of your life, and it will make your day that much brighter. There is hope for narrative and good story telling. I hope I can contribute and keep this dream alive!
GET IT!
Telkom has been absolutely shocking lately. I have literally spent the last hour trying to log into my blog so I can spit out a post. Why am I so insistent? I have this awesome track that I have been listening to for said hour, and I must share it with you, whoever or wherever you are.
Thomas Was Alone is an indie game that I received from one of my friends. Briefly (my own defintion), an indie game is basically a game that isn't backed by a fat budget or huge gaming companies. It is a game made by a very small, independent studio, sometimes one or two people alone. Thomas Was Alone as far as I know, was a flash game made by Mike Bithell. I don't know his success story, but I know that said flash game was turned into a fully fledged gem, and a game that has affected me in ways I cannot comprehend.
The premise is simple, you initially control a little red block called Thomas, and you have to travel through each stage to get to a portal on the other side. Heres the thing though, Thomas may be a block, but he has more personality than most people I know in real life. How does a block have personality? Thomas and his quest are narrated quite beautifully, and the narrator does a fantastic job of telling us just how Thomas is feeling and what he is thinking about.
Move along a few levels and you bump into a few different blocks of different shapes and sizes, possessing their own unique personalities and such. Each block also has their own unique set of skills. Claire for example, is the blue square who has super powers! Or at least so she thinks, she merely has the ability to float on water, but that is a super power to her nonetheless. You can only control one block at a time, but you help each other along to reach the portal at the end of the level.
These blocks say didly squat, but you hear what each are feeling thanks to the narrator. You will not believe just how attached you will become to these characters. It is a short game admitedly, taking me only three hours to clock. I finished 85% of this game in one sitting, from about 23:30 till 02:00. I couldn't stop, and I just wanted to make sure that everybody made it to safety. Proof that a game doesn't need big budget or fancy schmancy visuals to impart or invoke emotions such as this one did in me.
What really drives the emotion though is the truly fantastic soundstrack. All composed by David Housden (amazing work dude), it makes the game what it is, sealing it as an epic adventure and making the player smile like an idiot throughout the duration (I could swear I've used this line before somewhere, but hey if the boot fits). One track in particular has been stuck in my head for the last few days. I can forget about it, but merely glancing a thought on it has it back in my eardrums, calming me and making me smile. I youtubed it and to my delight I found a thirty minute extended version. You might think, "THIRTY MINUTES OF THE SAME TUNE?" Yeah I was also like wow... but I have listened to it nearly a dozen times. I just play it and leave it looping in the background. It inspires me and makes me feel like I can do anything. Those damn chimes or whatever they are reverbrate in my heart when I go to sleep and they welcome me when I wake up. I'm quite attached to it, and I don't expect you will feel the same when you hear it. Maybe it reminds me just how much I loved Thomas and his pals, and their quest to fight the system and instil some change :)
-
Here it is for your listening pleasure:
-
Don't sit and stare at your screen while listening to it. Crank up that volume and go find a book to read or some work to do. Just let it play and soak your eardrums in the beauty of it all. If you have the time (and even if you don't), if you are a gamer (and even if you are not), I'd highly recommend this game. It is only $10 on Steam, it will only take three hours of your life, and it will make your day that much brighter. There is hope for narrative and good story telling. I hope I can contribute and keep this dream alive!
GET IT!
Monday, May 13, 2013
Chronicles of a Fallen Love
No no ... don't worry this post is not about me for a change!
I wrote my first of five exams today which will conclude my second year of my degree in English and Communication. On the way home from the exam, this tune graced my radio shortly before I pulled into my driveway.
Needless to say, the feeling of finishing one of my more difficult exams (the feeling of accomplishment and joy) mixed with this song which I have heard once or twice, lead me to enjoying it like ten times more than normal, and I really really do love it! I hope you do too :) I'm quite interested to see what else the Bloody Beetroots have to offer!
I wrote my first of five exams today which will conclude my second year of my degree in English and Communication. On the way home from the exam, this tune graced my radio shortly before I pulled into my driveway.
Needless to say, the feeling of finishing one of my more difficult exams (the feeling of accomplishment and joy) mixed with this song which I have heard once or twice, lead me to enjoying it like ten times more than normal, and I really really do love it! I hope you do too :) I'm quite interested to see what else the Bloody Beetroots have to offer!
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Sweet Nothing
BOOM!!!
Exams are starting in less than two weeks, and I haven't started stressing just yet. That time will come and I will cram like there is no tomorrow. I always work better under some pressure for some reason.
I've been doing more thinking than normal lately. This I suspect, may be attributed to the fact that I have started reading again. Why did I ever stop? It makes me ponder, and I don't think I do nearly enough of that. I seem to just pass through life passively, barely stopping to contemplate matters of interest or significance. Not that I am now, but I seem to be paying more attention than normal. I sometimes wonder if I am normal. I have a shocking memory, and I forget stuff way to easily. I'm trying to really make an effort here for a change. Some work is slowly dribbling in, and It involved writing which makes me happy :)
Speaking of which, I've started thinking about my books again. A story that has been on my mind for years now, and it seems to be constantly evolving/changing. I've been stuck trying to figure out just how to write it. I have the Game of Thrones series to thank for this. It led me to getting the books, and quite frankly, the multi character story telling perspective is just downright awesome! It makes sense, and I think thats the type of story telling style I may just use.
My dreams? They still occur on the odd evening, and it seems that I will not get rid of them anytime soon. My heart still beats the same old beat, and it hasn't altered its tune. The consistent beat thats existed for the past few years now... it seems to slow down every now and then, but it always picks up exactly where I left off if I let my guard down.
My dad has lung cancer. Not too sure how serious it is (whether it requires chemo or an operation) but some upcoming tests will tell. He won't quit smoking, and has resorted to smoking behind our backs like a rebellious teenager. Its frustrating to say the least. The stubborn gene shines strong, and I can see where I get it from. An anger boils inside of me every time he argues with my mom and sister about his silly habit. The day will come when I resort to lighting up and blackmailing him. I stop when he does. His dad died at the age of 68. My dad is 66 now, and the thought of him dying around the same age freaks the hell out of me. He has always been strong, always. Why does he choose now to be weak, when he needs to be stronger and fight his addiction?
Being pulled over today and receiving a fine for not stopping to a halt at stop street resulted in my sister (who was with me) commenting, "I can't believe how you keep so calm and patient. I would be moaning at the cop!" I told her I am too patient, and I have bucket loads of it. I don't know where I get it from. I always thought it was a good thing, and I still do to a certain extent. Is it really though? Is it good to try and please the world? The world is a selfish place. Very few people seem to have the sentiment of putting others before themselves.
I have the most amazing sister in the world, I can't begin to describe how much she means to me, yet I don't have the words to put down here, or even the words to say to her face.
I miss my brother. His wedding was over a year ago already, and it still feels odd not having him at home. The bond we have is something I am so grateful for.
My mother is struggling with stress. All I can do is absolutely nothing about it. I have all the patience in the world, yet it seems to snap with her. I need to try harder, much much harder, because she does everything for me.
My father needs to be the dad I know him to be, he needs to fight and be strong. I just hope he knows that we are here for him, and we will fight with him.
Exams are starting in less than two weeks, and I haven't started stressing just yet. That time will come and I will cram like there is no tomorrow. I always work better under some pressure for some reason.
I've been doing more thinking than normal lately. This I suspect, may be attributed to the fact that I have started reading again. Why did I ever stop? It makes me ponder, and I don't think I do nearly enough of that. I seem to just pass through life passively, barely stopping to contemplate matters of interest or significance. Not that I am now, but I seem to be paying more attention than normal. I sometimes wonder if I am normal. I have a shocking memory, and I forget stuff way to easily. I'm trying to really make an effort here for a change. Some work is slowly dribbling in, and It involved writing which makes me happy :)
Speaking of which, I've started thinking about my books again. A story that has been on my mind for years now, and it seems to be constantly evolving/changing. I've been stuck trying to figure out just how to write it. I have the Game of Thrones series to thank for this. It led me to getting the books, and quite frankly, the multi character story telling perspective is just downright awesome! It makes sense, and I think thats the type of story telling style I may just use.
My dreams? They still occur on the odd evening, and it seems that I will not get rid of them anytime soon. My heart still beats the same old beat, and it hasn't altered its tune. The consistent beat thats existed for the past few years now... it seems to slow down every now and then, but it always picks up exactly where I left off if I let my guard down.
My dad has lung cancer. Not too sure how serious it is (whether it requires chemo or an operation) but some upcoming tests will tell. He won't quit smoking, and has resorted to smoking behind our backs like a rebellious teenager. Its frustrating to say the least. The stubborn gene shines strong, and I can see where I get it from. An anger boils inside of me every time he argues with my mom and sister about his silly habit. The day will come when I resort to lighting up and blackmailing him. I stop when he does. His dad died at the age of 68. My dad is 66 now, and the thought of him dying around the same age freaks the hell out of me. He has always been strong, always. Why does he choose now to be weak, when he needs to be stronger and fight his addiction?
Being pulled over today and receiving a fine for not stopping to a halt at stop street resulted in my sister (who was with me) commenting, "I can't believe how you keep so calm and patient. I would be moaning at the cop!" I told her I am too patient, and I have bucket loads of it. I don't know where I get it from. I always thought it was a good thing, and I still do to a certain extent. Is it really though? Is it good to try and please the world? The world is a selfish place. Very few people seem to have the sentiment of putting others before themselves.
I have the most amazing sister in the world, I can't begin to describe how much she means to me, yet I don't have the words to put down here, or even the words to say to her face.
I miss my brother. His wedding was over a year ago already, and it still feels odd not having him at home. The bond we have is something I am so grateful for.
My mother is struggling with stress. All I can do is absolutely nothing about it. I have all the patience in the world, yet it seems to snap with her. I need to try harder, much much harder, because she does everything for me.
My father needs to be the dad I know him to be, he needs to fight and be strong. I just hope he knows that we are here for him, and we will fight with him.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Scumbag Scrambled Brains
Sheesh its only been months since I've done anything here. I know I say that like every damn time I post, but if you're like me and you see that your last post was months ago, you'd be equally shocked. So if for some reason you have been reading my entire blog in one sitting, I apologise profusely for any likely repetition.
I'm trying not to break too much from tradition here, plus I don't have anything else to talk about really. I'm here to talk about the age old thorn in my heart, Amber. Its been months since we last really spent time with each other. In fact, coincidentally and everything, it will be four months tomorrow since we properly hung out (according to my last blog post and excluding like the one or two times we went to see movies).
So my plan is shit. Its not working. If you remember, my plan was to just sort of have her fade into a minor role in my life, and for me to not try be as big a part of her life as I always try to be. Using this logic of not participating in her life and vice versa, I was hoping that perhaps I would have a real stab at getting over her and moving on with my life. If at this point you are pulling your hair out saying "OMG REALLY?! HE IS STILL GOING ON ABOUT HER," I will understand completely. As I have said multiple times, I don't understand it myself, and its equally frustrating for me. So yes, clearly I am STILL NOT OVER HER.
How do I know this? Because I find it harder and harder each day to avoid making some sort of proper contact with her. I want to send her a message just asking how she is, how is life, how is she, etc etc etc. The other day my friend Gareth organised a spontaneous breakfast. I was keen to go, but then I found out she was going. A part of me was filled with dread, knowing that any contact with her would probably be painful for me in the long run. The other part was filled with joy because I knew I would get to see her and talk to her.
So we did the breakfast, and I found it hard to look and not look at her (if that makes any sense). I wanted to stare, yet I wanted to avoid staring. I wanted to talk to her, but we barely uttered two sentences to each other. Even though the breakfast was awesome, I drove home feeling disappointed with myself, and a little with her too. I tried making plans to go to movies with her a good few weeks ago which she turned down because she was incredibly busy. Its just hard now knowing that she is on holiday and hasn't really suggested any interest in returning the offer I had posed.
The real reason I wrote this post was because I had another dream last night. I was with her, and we were laughing and acting how we used to be in the good old days. I got to see her and talk to her, hold her and kiss her, something my brain just decided to spring on my unawares. Goddamit brain, can't you at least hear my desires, focus, and help me to move on with my life? Instead you are making it incredibly difficult, immensely hard! This stupid dream has me missing her, a lot.
She is still hanging out with the same friends I have mentioned before. Does she even still think about me? If she does, does it even compare remotely to how much I think about her? Does she even have any inkling of a feeling for me like she used to? Or is she trying to do what I am, and just simply suppress her feelings and move on with her life? Somehow, I doubt it.
I often wonder if I should private this blog, because she now knows about it. She talks to her friends about everything. One of my biggest fears is that she shares this with them. That thought kills me, and I really hope she doesn't. I doubt she would though, because she probably forgot this exists, much how she has forgotten that I exist.
From time to time I will go back and read my last few entries. I feel kind of disgusted and pathetic. Is it possible for me to talk about her in this way, without coming across as a creep or stalker or something far worse? I doubt it. I can't help the way I feel though... I have tried something new, it didn't work. I am close to cracking. I have no idea what I am going to do.
I'm trying not to break too much from tradition here, plus I don't have anything else to talk about really. I'm here to talk about the age old thorn in my heart, Amber. Its been months since we last really spent time with each other. In fact, coincidentally and everything, it will be four months tomorrow since we properly hung out (according to my last blog post and excluding like the one or two times we went to see movies).
So my plan is shit. Its not working. If you remember, my plan was to just sort of have her fade into a minor role in my life, and for me to not try be as big a part of her life as I always try to be. Using this logic of not participating in her life and vice versa, I was hoping that perhaps I would have a real stab at getting over her and moving on with my life. If at this point you are pulling your hair out saying "OMG REALLY?! HE IS STILL GOING ON ABOUT HER," I will understand completely. As I have said multiple times, I don't understand it myself, and its equally frustrating for me. So yes, clearly I am STILL NOT OVER HER.
How do I know this? Because I find it harder and harder each day to avoid making some sort of proper contact with her. I want to send her a message just asking how she is, how is life, how is she, etc etc etc. The other day my friend Gareth organised a spontaneous breakfast. I was keen to go, but then I found out she was going. A part of me was filled with dread, knowing that any contact with her would probably be painful for me in the long run. The other part was filled with joy because I knew I would get to see her and talk to her.
So we did the breakfast, and I found it hard to look and not look at her (if that makes any sense). I wanted to stare, yet I wanted to avoid staring. I wanted to talk to her, but we barely uttered two sentences to each other. Even though the breakfast was awesome, I drove home feeling disappointed with myself, and a little with her too. I tried making plans to go to movies with her a good few weeks ago which she turned down because she was incredibly busy. Its just hard now knowing that she is on holiday and hasn't really suggested any interest in returning the offer I had posed.
The real reason I wrote this post was because I had another dream last night. I was with her, and we were laughing and acting how we used to be in the good old days. I got to see her and talk to her, hold her and kiss her, something my brain just decided to spring on my unawares. Goddamit brain, can't you at least hear my desires, focus, and help me to move on with my life? Instead you are making it incredibly difficult, immensely hard! This stupid dream has me missing her, a lot.
She is still hanging out with the same friends I have mentioned before. Does she even still think about me? If she does, does it even compare remotely to how much I think about her? Does she even have any inkling of a feeling for me like she used to? Or is she trying to do what I am, and just simply suppress her feelings and move on with her life? Somehow, I doubt it.
I often wonder if I should private this blog, because she now knows about it. She talks to her friends about everything. One of my biggest fears is that she shares this with them. That thought kills me, and I really hope she doesn't. I doubt she would though, because she probably forgot this exists, much how she has forgotten that I exist.
From time to time I will go back and read my last few entries. I feel kind of disgusted and pathetic. Is it possible for me to talk about her in this way, without coming across as a creep or stalker or something far worse? I doubt it. I can't help the way I feel though... I have tried something new, it didn't work. I am close to cracking. I have no idea what I am going to do.
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About Me
- HairyKnees
- South Africa
- BA English and Communication graduate. I like to write stuff!