Hey Look! Its Story Time :O

Its less then a month away from christmas! Eeeek! How can this year have gone by so fast? I imagine that first thing next year I'm going to have to make one of those "What did I achieve in 2009" Lists. It may be blank or very, VERY short... oh well :P

So the biggest news I can share at the moment, is that If I can get my passport sorted out, I will then be spending Christmas in Madeira with Irene, Veronica and Jesse! (And other family that's there that I don't know too well :P) So i'm off to home affairs sometime this week to try get that sorted. Really hope I can go :D My dads paying for my ticket!!! What a winner!

Workwise, I really can't wait for my company to close for the holidays. That happens on the 16th of December and we stay closed until about the 6th if I'm not mistaken. I hope next year has something bigger for me, working at my company is so unforfilling -_- EGGS AND RICE BABY! :D

In terms of Amber, well, who really knows whats going on there :P I haven't really shared whats been happening with us since my last blog in which I got tricked because she kissed me, and then well, she didn't really have anything else to say about it. That honestly does feel like a life time ago, and I'm thinking that maybe one day I will have to blog it down because so SO much has happened in the last few weeks with her. 

If I had to sum up some of it now though, about a week after that kiss, I had one of the worst weeks I have ever had in my life (like, without trying to sound emo, or lame, it really really was... I don't know how I made it through that week O_o) Workwise, was difficult. My company does marketing and merchandising, and we were to launch Windows 7 in this week. I had to travel basically all over South Africa, doing lots of work everywhere. Spanning places like Vereeniging, Bloemfontein, Kimberley, Klerksdorp, etc. So there was lots of driving to be had :P 

Without giving too much away, I got one hour sleep between the Sunday night and Monday morning in which I was to leave. Amber and I spent all night talking and so on (not going to go into detail -_-) Anyways, en route to Vereeniging I check my FB and have a message from Amber. She said that she thinks its best if she avoids me for a while, and it would be best if I ignored her too. So naturally I was like "wth O_O" because I was all happy in thinking she was slowly falling in love with me again or something. So i conveyed my feelings, telling her to stop screwing me around and make up her mind. She then replied, telling me she was going to be honest with me. She told me that she was over me. 

Boy oh boy :) I though her dumping me last year was bad. I read that message over and over again (while driving - nearly at my destination) and upon getting to my destination, reading it even more. Here are pieces of it for you to read: 

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I'm gonna be honest with you, even though that's hard for me, because all my beating around the bush always makes things worse. So here it goes:

I'm over you, but I do find it hard to not want to be with you sometimes...

I know that at a snap of my fingers you'll come crawling back. I hate that I can do that.

I hate that I have this 'power' over you because it gives me a huge responsibility which I shouldn't have and it's really a huge weight for me to carry...

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I could feel a burning sensation running through my body, something I had never felt before. "I hate that I have this 'power' over." I read that and I was like what the heck??? The only reason you have this "power" over me, is because I'd do anything to make you happy! I'd never been more hurt in my life. Its like telling your kid you love him, and you act like it. Then you tell him that he was adopted and boot him out of your house and onto the street O_o (lol at bad figure of speech.) I had only had 1 hour of sleep, had the longest work day ahead of me, and I just had the girl of my dreams tell me that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore. You try having a job, where you have to talk to managers of stores, interact with sales staff, and be around lots of people. You try that, and try going a whole day with keeping a game face on, fighting your tears away, holding them back, trying NOT to think about what just happened... my word, it really REALLY sucked O_o I really, honestly don't know how I made it through that day, because just thinking about it now, I can't even imagine doing it again, it seems impossible.

So that was the monday, lots has happened since then... I wasn't actually going to go into such detail, but... the story is too long to tell all in one go :) So I think I'll do it in parts. I'll end this part here :P Kthxbye

Psssst...

AAAAH!!! What is this blogger thing? Just so everbody knows, I have NOT forgotten about this blog :) just been forgetting to take the time to update it :P

I finally have my new netbook, which in future (when I remember) will mean lots more writing material and submissions from me. I got me a little Gigabyte touchnote. I don't have the time right now, but I will give more detail about it in my next submission. I'm only killing time now because I am going t a wedding reception later, and I have nothing better to do at this EXACT second :P

On friday, we had the most EPIC thunderstorm I have exerienced EVER! The rain came down for ages, and I wasn't afraid to drive through it. I got into my car and drove to youth. While driving, on the horizon, it was totally awesome to see tons of lightning forking, over and over again! I really wish it would pour like that more often. Upon arrival at youth, I took my time walking to get in :P the rain is so awesome!

Anyways :P I know this was random, but expect a more meaty submission in this week to come, perhaps even tonight if im not tired :) Kthxbye! 

A Love Crazy World

The World can be a totally messed up place. Wars are raging all over the show, crime is rampant, people have their own agendas, and so on and so forth. The news is filled with so many articles that show no promise. Murder, Rape, Muggings, etc. Have you even paged through a newspaper and tried to outnumber the articles that speak of the worlds cruelty, finding more good then bad? Its a mighty feat ;) go try it. Sure some people are thinking now "No, it's just South Africa that has so much wrong with it!" The rest of the world has its problems too, maybe not in such a huge ratio, but the world is full of cruel people.

I've never actually been one for preaching to people, I'm still far to shy and not knowledgeable enough to have the confidence to approach people and hope to get good results (which is lame I know :) If God wants to do work, God will do work!) This has been spoken about before, I know, but I was reading though my bible today during quiet time and a verse jumped out at me. Acts 2:40 - Then Peter continued preaching for a long time, strongly urging all his listeners, "Save yourselves from this crooked generation!"

If you can imagine looking into peoples hearts, their true feelings, how many people would simply have just given up? Or have a simple excuse? "We live in a cruel world, where it is tough to stand up for what should be believed in. I've given up, The world will judge me if I stand out. I don't fit in with the worlds agenda." A lot of people will argue that times have changed, this is modern day and leave the past to the past. Yes its true, this is modern day. Yet, Modern day is still full of cruel people, with a few really standing up for God. Has that olden day "cruel generation" really left? Not at all... The world was cruel then and it still is today! This doesn't mean we must act defeated, we need to seize what God has planned for each of us, just as Peter preached to all of his listeners, we need to save ourselves from this crooked generation, and save this crooked generation from itself. You might look pathetic in the worlds eyes, but you are so perfect in Gods eyes! People need to know it... because not many people do =/

It is really annoying that it is human nature to pick on the bad and overlook the good. There is so much good in this world that people fail to see (myself included :D). We are surrounded by Gods beauty EVERYWHERE! In the sky, on the earth, surrounded by Gods majestic creations (and a few lame "human" ones :P but thats besides the point.) While sitting behind my pc today a thunderstorm snuck out of nowhere, and it started hitting around my house a lot. It is just a small, fractional part of Gods awesomeness, and it was followed by beautiful rain and hail :) We all know that my favourite of God's non-animate creations is the moon, I don't really know why :S I just know that my God put it there as a minor detail to the universe, but he took the time to put it there. I bet the sun would hold a similar place in my heart if I didn't fear being blinded upon staring at it for too long :O haha

I know this must be utterly random coming from me of all people :P and I don't think it really made much sense -_- but it did in my head :P and that's all that matters. I had it all nicely planned out with conclusion and everything, but I got lost within my ramblings O_O so yeah. 

Anyways, one reason I blogged tonight was just to share that Crystal has gotten engaged! Not that you may know who she is :) just that she has added to the count of the total amount of peopke I know getting married or engaged this year O_O ITS CRAZY! That is now the 3rd person I know from school who is engaged! I just find it so encouraging :) The world may be stuffed up, but Love isn't. Love can outlast anything! It is just so awesome seeing these friends of mine committing - where the world says don't get married young, DIVORCE STATS ARE HIGH! Gods children say - stuff you world we were made for each other long before we were even born, and they are doing it :) Go ENGAGED AND MARRIED COUPLES! I can't wait to be ready for marriage :) one day...

Ok this is me ending this blog off NOW! Abruptly even :) I'm not going to talk about Amber like I said I was going to last night :P

P.S (she ahd to sneak in somehow :P) Ambers FB status tonight (in reference to finding out about Crystals engagement) was:

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Amber Bamzombie Smith - everyone's getting married and engaged... *nervous laugh* no pressure now :P
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Nervous laugh my ass... You're gonna marry me one day XD haha

The Kiss of Death

So my leave has finally come to an end. Its quite sad really, I feel like a little kid in school dreading the haul back to school. Except, in school you have friends to look forward to and half days. Ok, my job really is not that bad, I'm just more irritated with the politics that goes on in my work place! Most definitely not looking forward to it at all, plus it is the period leading up to christmas so I can expect lots of annoying work :O

I'm actually starting to get so irritated with myself, using my own blog to moan about all the "wrongs" in my life. Surely I have some good to write about? Not at this actual time no :) I've slipped again. In fact, all this whole flipping blog seems to revolve around Amber. Minor thing getting me down is work, but the whole story with Amber just seems to be the only thing that really makes my heart hurt.

So if you do actually keep up with me, Last Sunday I saw Amber very briefly at church, and it made me miss her a hell of a lot (more then I normally do O_o) i can;t exactly remember what happened on Monday and Tuesday, but I didn't talk to Amber at all. I was bummed because she knew I was on leave and I was kind of expecting her to want to hang out (like she seemed keen on when I was away, what happened to that?) On Wednesday I was like "screw it, I'm not going to wait on her forever." I found her on Googletalk:

Amber: much better thanx :)

me: thats good :) glad to hear it
what you up to today?

Amber: how you?
hmm brunch, children's church stuff and a movie. yoiu?

me: im good thanks, slight headache O_o woke up with the sun shining in my eyes
nothing :P lol
thought maybe you'd wanna hang out or something
 
Amber: I think I would really like that :)

I was actually taken aback. I was just expecting a big no but "I think I would really like that :)" Seemed really awesome. So I ended up fetching her and we went for Coffee at Bedford, visiting Cleo too. We just got coffees at Seattle and walked around the exclusive books, browsing whatever there was. I really enjoyed it because it meant not being forced to have conversation because we weren't next to each other the entire time. I didn't really know what to talk to her about so it just made for good random social conversation. 

So after all that we went to her house so I could drop her off. I remembered that I had bought series for her that I knew she would enjoy. So I ended up going in instead of just dropping her off (to copy the series over.) I had my DS too so while the series was copying over we took turns in playing a game I had (it was perfect for casual play beween two people, no story or anything.) Before we knew it, the series had finished copying over, but it didn't matter because we were enjoying each others company. We were sitting on her chair in her room - like a really nice big one seater, not big enough for two people, but very roomy for one person. I was sitting on the chair and she was sitting on the arm rest. It was awesome, how I'd missed just being so close to her, hearing her enchanting voice, being taken in by her infectious laugh. I was enjoying myself a hell of a lot, when before I knew it, her face was so close to mine. 

I had been building myself up for this for weeks (assuming by some odd chance it came about.) Just pull away, DO NOT GIVE IN! IT WILL JUST MAKE YOU DIE ALL OVER AGAIN! Just say no, Just say no... At least, that was the theory =/ When you have the girl you would die for, the girl you are so smitten and in love with, the girl you are longing to spend the rest of your life with, just leaning in like that, HOW DO YOU SAY NO?! When you look into heaven resting in her eyes, when you can see the softness in her cheeks, when you can smell her all too perfect sweet scent, HOW DO YOU SAY NO?! If you are me, regardless of the implications to follow, ignoring the thought of the possibility of HUGE pains in the heart, you don't listen to your head. You follow your heart and meet her there. I made the trip, I met her... and we kissed.

My head was exploding, All these weeks of her cold shoulders or lack of interest, and here she was, kissing me. She did still have feelings for me, why else would she be kissing me? We kissed, and held each other forever, I wish it did last forever. Before long time was fighting against us. She was due at movies with Cleo in a bit, so she had to get ready. I asked her when did she want me to leave? And she replied that I could leave whenever I wanted to. So I didn't leave, she went to get ready. A little while later she was done. Perfect hair and makeup (not that she needed any of it >_<>

Man, I was on a high that evening. I was like in the most amazing mood EVER! I couldn't stop smiling, wondering if she was going through the same emotions I was. After her movie we chatted very briefly on Google, and that was it.

Thursday and Friday I still had free, and I would have done anything to spend it with her. She was "busy" though. I know she had things to do, but I was so skeptical that she couldn't seem to find a gap to fit me into her whole busy schedule. Come Friday at youth I felt so lame. I found excuse to be around her lots, she found reason to hardly talk to me at all or aknowledge me. It seemed like she was ignoring me. I had to go drop Paul and Mikey at home. When I got back everybody had left and her and Nic were still there. Nic left and as Amber was climbing into her car. 

Me: Hey what you doing now?

Amber: Probably going home, why?

Me: Wanted to do coffee or something...

Amber: Nah I'm tired.

I was already climbing into my car. I should have expected the rejection. But oh my, that whole day I was looking forward to seeing her. It was all I thought about, just spending time with her. Not kissing or anything, just being with her. That rejection hurt a hell of a lot.

I really want to blog more about Saturday and Sunday - but I have to get sleep - Im working tomorrow, this blog is already epic long, and I'm too depressed to think about Saturday or tonight.

If you do read my blog -_- I'm sorry that all you get is my heart problems, and large doses of Amber. You see though, it does me good though to get it off my heart. So I need to do this. I really wish I could find my comfort in God at a time like this O_o and I know I can! I just don't know what is holding me back. I want God, I want comfort, I want Amber. Gah Im too human... Its annoying!

Amber, why the hell would you kiss me? Then just act like it didn't happen? Its realy, REALLY sucky! You've awakened buried feelings in me -_-

I think I'll blog the rest tomorrow.... Goodnight. 

Missing In Action?

Another day, another blog ^_^

I have just finished my second week of leave, and I am just entering my last one now. I spent so much time with Jesse and Veronica (cousins who stay all the way in Secunda) and even more time with Jesse :) his sister stayed at home instead of coming to Jhb these last few days because she had some school work to get through. So Jesse stayed with me from Wed-Sunday (aka today, yesterday :P) He went back home first thing this morning! I must admit, I actually spent the whole day being sad that he was gone =/ it was so awesome having him around, like my own little brother. Although he isn't by blood, he will still be my little brother always, and his sister my sister. 

I actually don't know whats up with me today O_o apart from Jesse being gone, I just spent the whole day being sad. Even my dad asked my like a million questions trying to figure out whats wrong. There is a lot going on in my heart at the moment, which of I won't bore you with in this blog. I guess I'm just feeling uber lonely, now that I have a whole week of leave left with nothing planned at all other then staying at home. 

Amber picked the worst time to suddenly want to start chatting and hang out with me -_- She sms'd quite a lot while I was in Secunda and even kept wanting to know when I would get back because she wanted to hang out. By the time I got back, well she had other plans, so I missed out on the chance to spend time with her. She knows I have this whole week, with nothing planned. I really hope she wants to spend time with me, because I most certainly want to spend time with her! I somehow doubt it, whatever reason she wanted to hang out for is probably long gone by now. She is confusing as ever -_- seemingly seeking attention one second, and then barely acknowledging me the next! I saw her tonight... All that happened was a "Hi, goodbye" basically :( gah! This is so annoying... I love that woman too much. Whats wrong with me? I never saw her for two weeks, and my word... I looked forward to seeing her this weekend so much! I was in a rush though, so I guess that was a part of us not really talking. I wish I could drop my habit of glancing at her from across the room every five seconds. Thank God I'm sneaky enough that she doesn't catch me. She takes my breath away O_o she is too amazingly beautiful.

Funny how I told myself that I would NOT talk about Amber in this blog, but it hurts to keep it all in and she had to sneak her way into it somehow O_o There is this damn "gloop" of despair in my stomach, like there is an emptyness, or scaredness. Empty because I miss her, scared because it would hirt like crap to see her fall for somebody else. As each day passes though, I keep getting the feeling that thats not too far off -_- Im a moron. This blog probably won't make sense to you :P but its ok its helping me :)

Definitely lots of missing in action... I'm actively missing you lots, Amber. 

Plaster For My Heart Please? :D

There are many ways to get over a person that you don't ever seem to be over, unfortunately I don't know any such ways O_o 

I have my cousins over from Secunda, which is rad! They have been here since wednesday, and were here for Claudia's 21st (which, may I add was totally awesome :D) they have stayed ehre until today because their mom had a job interview here in Jhb so there didn't seem to be any point in driving home and coming back again. I took leave off work just to spend time with my cousins, and I do not regret doing so, I am just going to miss seeing somebody very, VERY much.

I am off with them to Secunda today, and I reckon I will probably be back on Monday or Tuesday. It is really cool, I love being in Secunda and lazying around, killing time with Veronica and Jesse. It just made me realise though that I will be missing youth, as well as any other weekend activities on this side of the world. Meaning that I will not see Amber at all this weekend :( The last time I saw her was after my previous blog entry - last week Friday, when I realised that I'm nowhere near as over her as I thought I was. So this weekend is a miss on seeing her, but then, my cousins will probably be coming back with me to Jhb next week when I get back, and spend Monday/Tuesday until Sunday here with me. This means, I will probably miss youth AGAIN and thus, not even see Amber. Meh... This is depressing me just thinking about it. Why the hell can I just not get over her already??? I can think, "Wow, two weeks until I see Amber again." While she is probably thinking "hmmm, "

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I can even sit and think about how I'm slowly getting over her, then some random memory hits me, I see some picture of her, I see her, etc... and I realise just how NOT over her I am >_< *sigh* I don't know why, but I'm just starting to see certain themes surrounding my life at the moment. Why is it, that when a girl gets some dumb ass guy, they stick with them no matter what? They "love" them and will do anything for him. Yet, I think of myself as a decent guy, I looked after any girl I may have been in a relationship with. Sure, I'm far from perfect I know, but one thing I'm sure of is my heart. Amber was my 3rd girlfriend in my whole life, and yet, I can't get let her go. I know for a fact I love her, and our history together should be testimony enough for that. I have ALWAYS tried my best to be there for her through thick and thin. Yet, she seems to find it simple to let go of me. It actually makes me feel like crap =/ like, maybe I wasn't good enough for her if I'm that easy to let go. The thought scares me, because even apart from the issues that came about, or my stuff ups, I know I put my all and my everything into that relationship, all for a big fat nothing.

I see myself as a good guy, and some people don't understand why I don't just give up with her already. I'm not as verbal about her as I was before so I'm sure everybody must think I'm doing ok with my heart. In all honesty, I don't understand that myself. Even falling in love with her took me by surprise, because I never saw anything in her. Then it hit me in a day and I felt her in my heart. That was well over two years ago. If this was just some BS teenage hormonal and naive love, then I'm sure I would have been over her already by now -_- (I know I'm 21 and no longer teen :P but I was 19 when we started dating)

The reason I this whole emo blog came about was because I just saw a recent photo of her uploaded to FaceBook by somebody else. I should just stay off that damn site >_<>

Amber, I miss you. A lot... A Hell of a Lot. I wish you missed me too :( enough to say something to me or let me know.

Ok end sad writings here :) yay! I'll just put on a fresh plaster and hope it holds ^_^

Damn you Dream! Hey Wait, Cool Idea :D

This past weekend has definately been a random and confusing one emotional wise. It was still a good weekend nonetheless :) If you read my previous entry you would know that my feelings for Amber have sort of awakened again. 

On Saturday evening I planned on going to Q's house to finish the ever awesome Resident Evil 5. We knew we were on the last stage so it was just a matter of finishing the game. Shortly before I left Amber started talking to me on Facebook chat. She asked me to help her do some preparation for Childrens Church in the morning (which she is part of.) I don't know what exactly it involved but she asked me to build a castle for her O_o lol I was like "er... ok thats random." Anyways eventually I agreed to it, saying I could help her for an hour or two before I went to Q's place (which is like a 5 minute drive away.) She was then like "No I was just kidding, go have fun." I was a bit irritated I must admit, being asked to do something, then finally agreeing, knowing I'd get to spend some time with her no matter what she wanted me to help her with, only to have her casually say she was just kidding. 

Sunday, I spent the afternoon at a family lunch. Literally as I was pulling out of their driveway, Amber called me. I was a little hesitant to answer in front of my parents (who were with me in my car) because my mom can be quite enquiring at times and its a little annoying. On top of that, I had no idea what she wanted to talk about. So I answered, we did the whole hello how are you thing, and this is a rough version of the rest of the conversation:

Amber: Where are you?
Me: I was at family, on my way home now.
Amber: Oh...
Me: Why?
Amber: I was just wondering, I'm bored.
Me: Where are you?
Amber: Just finished at Greenstone with other people, they all going home now.
Me: Oh ok.
Amber: yeah remember you mentioning you were on leave, so thought you might be at Q's house or something. Wanted to come hang out. 
Me: Nope, was there last night.
Amber: Oh yeah.
Me: We could always go watch the late show at greenstone or something? I'm up to it?
Amber: Na it's ok, everybody here seems tired anyways and is gonna go home I think.
(In my head I was thinking just us two O_o but ok.... lol)
Me: Oh... ok
Amber: Yeah
Me: Well, have a good evening then.
Amber: You too.

That was just version, I know there was more random rambling inbetween but thats irrelevant. So night number 2, and a no go from her again O_o geez she is so confusing...

The only reason I wrote this blog was to share the dream I had last night. It made me wake up this morning super happy O_o it was weird... If I blogged AS I woke up I'm sure there would be more details or inbetween bits, but this is all I can remember (The relevent parts, not what happened before or after :P I don't remember anything else.) I seemed to be in a hall of sorts, it seemed VERY similar to my primary school hall. I don't know what exactly was happening, but I know there were quite a lot of people. Amber was there too. I just remember us talking, and then she said something that actually hurt and irritated the crap out of me (Dammit I cant remember what it was that she said O_O) I walked away in a huff, and she saw the instant change in my mood. She called out to me something like "Hey you know I was just kidding right? We're still good aren't we? We're still friends right?" I stopped and said something to her (Dammit! Cant remember what I said either :P) and then the tables turned, she was walking away from me hurt and pissed at me. I had retorted something to offend her too. I just remember that it was a reflex comment, and that I didn't actually mean it :O so she walked away from me, looking more hurt then pissed off. Man it made me feel like an ass >_<

I followed her, trying to get to her and apologise. She was busy weaving through the crowd far to fast for me though! Eventually I got to her, but she was being comforted by a friend of hers who was giving her a big hug. I stopped and approached them. Amber looked scared, not wanting her friend to leave, but her friend did back away as I got closer. I don't remember EXACTLY what I said, but I grabbed Amber and held her, saying something along the lines of, "Dammit Ambie, you know I love you to pieces! cant you just accept that?" The reaction I got from her was totally unexpected. She pulled away from me and looked at me through her teary eyes, smiling her ever beautiful smile. She then surprised me by leaning up to me and kissing me quickly :$ she realised what she did and she pulled away, but then she also realised that she wasn't sorry about what she did because she leaned forward again. I turned my face and pulled it away though, thinking something like "No I'm not going to let you kiss me then just forget about me again." She didn't let it discourage her, she forced me to kiss her and I accepted :O

I don't exactly remember the rest of the dream, but man... That just made me wake up in the best of moods ever! She has taken such a firm residence in my heart :O and it made me heart fly above the clouds in my dream. Its hard to explain the whole scene in words, but I have it in my head, and possibly Ill add it to my book one day, because I do plan on having my main character part of a love story later in the book :) I think it'd be a rad addition!

Last thing, This was the state of my FB status this morning:

Fig ... wow........... that was awesome :)
-
Amber: what what what? 
-
Fig: :)
-
Amber: sigh.... you never tell me anything :/

Obviously I was referring to my dream, but I'm not exactly going to tell her about it :P I just thought it funny that she says I never tell her anything, when lately, she doesn't let me onto much either ^_^ ok blogtime over - I know this was a random entry but get over it :P I'm on three weeks leave and have lots of time to kill :)