2015: One Novel Coming Right Up!

Hello!

I've just realised that I blogged a whopping three times in 2014. THREE!

You'd think I've spend little to no time writing, and you'd be half right. I spent the last half of last year interning for a website, pumping out around 4-6 articles a day. In total I've done close to 500 now! What about my own personal writing though? Nothing.

Compared to 2013, 2014 was a blast of a year. I got to travel, do what I've always dreamt of doing since I was a kid, and just enjoyed it overall. That's all good and well, but my intern position was temporary, meaning I'm left with nothing on my plate at the moment.

Except, it's nothing like that at all. I have the most awesome and understanding family, and I've basically been given the year to freelance and write my book, with the latter taking priority. It excites me and freaks me out all at the same time! I've wanted to do this for many years now. I studied what I did with this goal in mind; that I would someday sit down to pour my imagination onto paper.

I'm nervous, more than I care to admit. Where does one even begin to write what they hope will be a bestselling novel? I have no clue.

That being said, I've spent most of this month relaxing and brainstorming. The story I've had in mind for years is mostly unchanged, except that I've finally decided how to approach it and where the story should kick off. All I need to do now is sit down and let the words flow.

Wish me luck!

Walk

Hey everybody :)

I'm so tired, oh so very tired. I'm up doing a quick video edit for work, nothing major. The rendering really does take its sweet time though, so waiting for that to finish so I can go hit the sack.

You know what gets my creative juices flowing? It's music. It has always been a good source of inspiration for me. It's not the beat, the speed of the music, or the instruments involved. It's the emotion it evokes. I do fully plan to write a trilogy one day. All the major scenes I have in my head are the result of some song or other that I really like.

You ever heard of the site called 8tracks? It's one of my favourite things. Essentially, you pick and combine different tags of music you would like to listen to. For example, If I want to go for a run, I might choose something like electro + energy or something along those lines. 8tracks will pull up a user made playlist which you can then stream to your phone or PC. It's really awesome, and I love it.

What I do when I go to bed is pick stuff that will chill me out and aid my journey into dreamland, so usually tags like chill + ambient + sleep or something. I found this gem last night in the playlist I found...



This song is amazing! I've listened to it so many times today. It doesn't quite spark a clear scene in my head, but I will definitely listen to it when I want some kind of inspiration. It's just... beautiful. I can't explain it better than that. I really need to listen to more stuff from this artist!

Weekend is finally here. Really looking forward to it :) anyways, go try 8tracks for yourself! I'm sure you'll love it.

Is This Thing Still On?

Hello!

It's rather late at the moment. I just got home from a cigar evening with friends which I thoroughly enjoyed. Nothing better than spending some real quality time with people, something I haven't done for an incredibly long time. I think cigars may be a touchy subject for my family, especially my mom. I never told her what exactly I was doing tonight.

I was going through my blog recently, and it made me realise that I really haven't written for a long time. I'm just here to let you know that I am still around, and that I have lots to say. Hopefully, I will get around to it pretty soon.

Lots has happened in my life over the past few months. I will tell you as much as I can when I'm not incredibly tired or busy with work.

Goodnight world, I just had to say something!

Of The Night

Here, have a random song!



I don't know why this song comes to mind really. Its Of The Night by Bastille. It just put a smile on my face I guess. 2013 really was a crappy year for obvious reasons. I've noticed that I'm feeling a whole lot better on this side of time (that is, on the other side of 2013, the start of 2014). I've just decided that this year is going to be good, I'm being as positive as possible.

I had a really good weekend. Something I honestly haven't had in a long time. I have a group of online gaming friends who I have known for many years now. Due to geographic and other reasons, we hardly see each other. I mean, like, literally once or twice a year. Some I had not even met until 2013. Anyways, there was a pretty big group of us in town this weekend, so we decided to go out. Now, if you know me, you know that I'm really not the biggest clubber or pub crawler. However, we organised and off we went. I tell you, I haven't had so much fun like that in a long time. Its so weird. I have my close friends here who I see pretty often, and chat to too. Yet, my online gaming friends are the ones I literally chat to every day (while we game or just spend time on our pc's). Being out with them was something else, something I hope to do a heck of a lot more often.

I did something last night that I don't think I have ever done in my life. Chances are that its not 100% true, but I think it really is well on its way to being so. I fear alcohol might have had its role (obviously, I was being fed stroh rum O_O somehow not getting completely pissed but remaining extremely tipsy), but I admitted to my friends that I am over Amber. Now I sit and think about it, if I had to see her again, I would probably not be entirely over her. I think saying it out loud though is the first step to making it a reality, so lets hope it sticks. What a night :) so much win!

I went to family with my mom tonight. It was strange, as it was one of the first normal family dinners we have gone to without my dad. The last time we had dinner at this particular family was a couple of weeks before my dad passed away. I think it was good for us though, and I genuinely enjoyed it. Don't get me wrong, I really did miss my dad. I had thoughts of how the evening would be if he was there, what contributions he would have made to the conversation, and what smart ass remarks and jokes he would have made. That aside, I was laughing, enjoying my family. I know my dad would be happy to see my mom and I being there, and that made me happy too.

All and all, its Sunday morning (1am), but I've really had a spectacular weekend already. I feel alive, something I haven't felt since God knows when. I have another family lunch later. I can't wait :)

01/01/2014 - 67

I've put off this post for as long as possible. Holidays have flown by, and I knew it needed to be done at some point, but I left it for the latest possible moment. Its New Years Day at the moment on my side of the world, 1:11AM to be exact, and the beginning of 2014. I'm hoping for a much better year this year, so let's kick it off with a fresh post.

2013 is the year that I lost my father. It has been just over 3 months, and quite honestly I don't quite know how I am dealing with it, or how I feel for that matter. I'm sad, obviously, but something just feels amiss. It scares me to think that I'm not feeling sad enough, like I should be a lot more depresses than I currently feel. I look at my sister and see how she is taking it. She seems to push through each day, fighting the urge to cry because she misses him so much. My mom has her moments too, but she seems to be keeping herself as busy as possible, and she obviously misses him lots too. My brother, well he is exactly like how my dad was, who knows exactly what he is feeling.

Then there is me.

I cried a lot on the evening he passed away, as well as the next day. I was surprisingly composed on the day of his funeral, feeling teary eyed, but not really letting it out. The rest of the weeks that followed have seen me just living in a void. I pushed through my assignments and exams, even though I had no push whatsoever to get them done. I passed, thank God for that. Varsity aside, I've just been living through each day as normally as possible. Yet, this is what scares me. I know I have not grieved, not even begun to do so. That's why I put off this entry for so long, because I knew it would be the opening I need to just let it all out. Yet here I am, and I'm just blank. I feel sad, but I don't really feel much else either. It really, really bothers me. I don't want this to be something that will come back to haunt me in the years to come.

The reason I am writing today specifically, not just because it's the start of a new year, is that it would also have been my dad's 67th birthday. 67 is nothing. I always took pride in telling my friends how healthy he was, walking a fair distance 6 days a week at the market, getting stock for the shop. He also ate relatively healthy, lots and lots of fruit and veg in-between all the random every day drunk. Then he gets hit with everything at once, with Cancer being the worst of the lot.

It was stage 4 lung cancer, something which doesn't really seem to have a cure. Yet we were hopeful, because we all knew that nothing is impossible. I can't even begin to describe how shit I feel about the times I confronted my dad about his smoking. You remember it don't you? I wrote about it too. The guilt, its overwhelming and it sits in me like a poison. My dad just couldn't seem to quit smoking, something which seems so absurd considering that he had lung cancer. Yet, maybe he knew his time was limited, maybe he just wanted to make his last few months just that little bit more bearable. Then there is me, letting it slide for a good few months until the day I exploded. During my life, I have had many an argument with my dad where I was obviously way out of line (with lots of shouting in the process). These arguments though pale in comparison to the shit I gave my dad. I've never shouted him so loudly in my life, never given him such a piece of my mind. If only I had known, if only I had known...

I just hope he knows that I really did it with the intention of trying to motivate him to quit, because I really wanted him to get much better.

The last week of his life was the worst. I watched my dad literally age 20-30 years (at least that's what it looked like). He looked fragile and aged, and he barely had the energy to walk and get around. He didn't even have the energy to smoke. Those last moments of his life feel like a lifetime ago, as well as a bad dream. My mom and I heard him collapse, something that wasn't particularly unusual in that last week. We ran to the bathroom to find him sitting on the floor by the door. I still smiled and comforted him, telling him that it was alright and we would help him up. I only saw him from behind though, and when I circled to face him, something wasn't right. I don't know what was going through his mind in those final moments, but I know he was with us. He looked at my mom and I, before he lay back and his eyes closed. The rest is a blur. I just know that between my mom and myself, we got hold of my brother and told him to come ASAP, as well as an ambulance to come and get my dad. My sister was out at gym or boxing and obviously wouldn't look at her phone until much later.

I remember being alone with my dad, trying to find a pulse. My mom was trying to make a call to the ambulance I think. I started telling my dad that I needed him to fight, that he still had so much to do. I do think he did die as soon as he lay back. The trip to the hospital was in vain. I would love to know what was his last thought as his life left him. All I know is that he looked at my mom and I. No amount of words can ever capture that evening. It's series of images blended together in my mind.

My dad will never watch me graduate. My dad will never watch me become an author. My dad will never watch me get married. My dad will never be a granddad to my kids. I know I wasn't the best son, but I know he always loved me no matter what. He was taken too soon, too soon. I never did anything to make my dad proud, and it breaks my heart that he won't be around to witness me fulfilling any of my deepest dreams. I love you dad. I'm so sorry for all I didn't do, and all I should have done. We miss you. This house feels so bizarre without you. It doesn't feel real at all, it feels like you'll be home any day now. I need to learn to start accepting your departure.

I did say something at his funeral, I'll just leave it here...

====================================================

I can't really add much to what everybody has said before me, but I can say that one of my biggest dreams whilst growing up as a child was that I would get to spend more time with my dad. He was an incredibly hard worker, leaving for work early in the morning and arriving home much later in the evening. I wish the circumstances could have been different, but my dad did spend most of the last 9 months at home. Even through these difficult times, my dad loved treating me to lunch. It is hard to describe why these excursions were so valuable. It wasn't a matter of eating non homemade food, or anything fancy. It was his way of spoiling and making time to spend with me.

I cannot even begin to find a way to describe him effectively, there are no real words that could truly capture the qualities he had. It may sound incredibly clichéd, but I consider myself beyond lucky to be blessed with the one and only Tony Figueira as my father. On the exterior, he may have come across as a hard man, but we all know that once a person got to know him, they realised just what an incredibly soft heart he had. He always put others first, always always always!

I am incredibly honoured to call myself one of his sons. It brings me so much joy to look around this room, seeing just how many people knew him, and how many people he had the opportunity to tell one of his classic jokes to. Nobody knew how to tell a joke like my dad did! His humour was core to his character, and he never missed the opportunity to make others smile and laugh.  God may know every joke in the book, but I'm pretty sure he still laughs when my dad tells one.

Daddy, It was a shock when you were admitted into hospital at the end of last year, but I consider the last 9 months to be a blessing from God, as we got to spend just that little bit of extra time with you. As difficult as it was, I now know we were just being prepared to say goodbye.

Dad, you will be so missed. No longer will I hear that backdoor slam in the evening, signalling your arrival home. No longer will I be able to see your smile, hear your laugh, or look into your eyes. All I know is that you left behind a legacy that will never be forgotten. You left me in the hands of an amazing mother and phenomenal siblings, and I am surrounded by such incredibly family and friends. I know that you will never be forgotten, only missed more than you could ever know.

On behalf of myself and the Figueira family, I would just like to extend my thanks to everybody who had a hand in getting everything ready for this difficult day, as well as a big think you to Father Tony. Also, thank you to every single one of you for your incredible support during this difficult time. The amount of times we got told "please call me if you need anything" was just amazing. My mom is a florist, so it's not unusual to have the house packed with so many flower arrangements, but the amount of flowers we have received has just been overwhelming, and we really appreciate it.  I know that we are truly blessed to have such amazing family and friends!

We would like to invite you to join us in the hall afterwards for some drinks and snacks. If it's one thing my dad loved, it was people. He loved being surrounded by family and friends, telling jokes and just interacting with those around him. I cannot think of a more fitting way to spend today then honouring what my dad loved. Remember, we are not here to mourn my dad's death. Instead, we are here to honour the life he had and the legacy he has left behind. As my brother mentioned, my dad's birthday falls on New Year each year. Yes, the beginning of each year may be sad as we reflect on the passing of a great gentleman, but let's remember to celebrate the life of Tony Figueira, remembering all the lessons he taught us, the example he was, and the smiles he always so generously donated.

====================================================

There are various pitfalls from 2013, but this post is quite long as it. I'll keep it focussed on my dad though, as it would have been his birthday today. I do feel a little better, but more will follow in the days to come I'm sure. Happy New Years everybody, and Happy Birthday Dad. Love you and miss you! May 2014 be a much better year with more smiles and laughter, something you always brought to everyone's lives.

Rest In Peace Dad, You Legend.

I don't know what to say... my dad passed away last night.

I cannot even begin to find the words to start talking about it. I don't even know how to say what I am feeling, but I am sure that I will flesh it out over the next few days/months/years.

I was with my dad when he died. He looked at my mom and I before he went, that much I am sure of.

I cried last night, but I know it was not nearly enough to even begin to make me feel better. It will come, I know it will. It's barely begun to sink in.

My dad is gone. My dad is gone. My dad is gone. My dad is gone. My dad is gone.

Rest in peace dad, there are no words in existence that could ever truly do you justice. You are at peace now, and you will sorely missed, so so so so much!! <3 nbsp="" p="">

Zyprexa, An Atypical Antipsychotic

I was exhausted around 10pm tonight, something which (if you know me) is an incredibly odd occurence. Even on those nights where I have to go to bed due to some early obligation in the morning, I will still end up going to bed at around midnight or 1am. I spent most of my weekend working on two English assignments, a poem and a novel. My brain is fried, which probably explains my extreme case of wanting to sleep.

Random context aside, WHAT THE ACTUAL F%$K?

I did plan on sleeping early, right up until the point where my mom called me frantically. My dad had slipped and was sitting on the bathroom floor. He did not have the energy to pull himself up. He had a bout of Chemo around 6 days ago, so it is to be expected that he will be drained. It is so strange though, because during his first cycle of chemo (a few weeks ago), you would never say that he had undergone it. He seemed perfectly normal, as normal as somebody with cancer can be. Yet this time, the effects seemed to be sharp. Each day he seemed to be exhausted, sleeping for ridiculous amounts of time.

Tonight has been a scary affair. As I've mentioned already, my dad could not even pick himself off the floor. I had to help him up. He struggled to walk, in the sense that he either had very little energy to do so, or he just didn't seem to have any correct control over his muscles. Even when he speaks, it seems like he struggled to formulate the words. My sister and I know that Chemo is draining, but this is something that just seemed extremely odd. My dad went from being the perfectly able, strong adult, to a feeble elderly man. It was shocking to say the least, it made me fully aware of my dads mortality (which funnily enough, is the topic I wrote about in one of my essays - John Keats sonnet, When I have fears that I may cease to be). Anyways, following my dads chemo earlier in the week, he was extremely nauseous. We enquired with the doctor, and he gave us some medicine to counteract these side effects of chemo. My sister and I could only pinpoint (or suspect) that my dads worsening condition could be attributed to the drug he had been given, because that is when his condition started to go to hell. Remember my blog on Thursday night? Yeah, that is the day he first started taking that drug.

So what is this drug you ask? I know Google isn't a doctor who has multiple qualifications, but hey, its a good starting point for learning more about the unknown. These are just some of the articles explaining what this drug is:

Read this, this, and this...

So again I ask you, WHAT THE ACTUAL F%$k?!?! Am I reading correctly?!?!

Please explain to me, random Internet user, why my dad who has cancer, is on an anti psychotic drug which is normally used for bipolar disorder or schizophrenia? Just read through the articles above. NONE of them have anything to say about the drugs relevence to anti-nausea (which is what we requested in the first place). Many of the side effects are what my dad has shown or is showing tonight. My sister was telling me how earlier today he was trying to explain how he couldn't feel anything. Numbness is one of the possible side effects.

We are going to the doctor tomorrow, he is meant to have a shorter bout of chemo. In this condition, I doubt that will happen. Thankfully, he finished his trial of that drug tongight, so hopefully the side effects will kindly piss off during the course of tomorrow. Man, its freaking worrying! Some of the drugs side effects are fatal! That doc better be prepared to explain himself tomorrow, because from my perspective, his prescription was a death just waiting to happen O_o

12:36am...