Thursday, December 31, 2015

2015: The Year Where I Learnt To Let Go

Well, where do I even begin? I have so much to say! Let's start at the beginning... (of this year).

The last time I wrote here, the 29th of January to be exact, I made bold claims of writing my very first novel, and having it finished by the end of 2015. I would complete it for sure, go on to have it published, and live happily ever after. Except, that's not what happened at all.

Much to my disappointment, I wrote just less than half of my book. There are many reasons for this, ranging from "I was just too busy" to "I didn't feel like writing today". The former isn't a lie, not by any means - I genuinely did have a busy year! The latter, well, I tried forcing myself to write on certain occasions, and more often than not, I deleted whatever words splashed out. I will never force myself to write creatively again. I know the words will come, whenever they are ready.

So alas, no book from me I'm afraid, not just yet. Next year though, I'm confident I'll have it completed!

And yeah, that's all I had planned for 2015. All I wanted to do was write a book, but little did I know that there was so much more waiting to happen...

2015 started out alright, but in March, something terrible happened. I lost an uncle to cancer. It wasn't just any old uncle either - it was my dads brother - a second father.

He had been battling the disease for close to 10 years. We always knew that there was the possibility that he would lose his life, but never in our wildest dreams did we think it would happen so suddenly. What was meant to be an overnight hospital stay resulted in him slipping into a coma. We lost him a few days later...

That same old wound of a loss, barely sealed, hardly scarred, was opened afresh. I mean, we had lost another uncle a few months before, and my dad back in 2013.

To put it bluntly - my family was having a fucking terrible time. The losses were coming in, thick and fast it seemed, and just when we thought everything would be ok, we were struck down again and again. 2015 was off to a very shitty start.

On the surface, I kept up my old facade. By all means, anybody seeing me from the outside would think I was alive and well. The scary truth, and it honestly still haunts me to think about it now, is that on the inside, I felt completely dead. What scared me the most was that I didn't feel sadness. All I felt was, well, nothing. I was completely numb.

I don't know if I was capable of processing any emotion properly. Whatever situations confronted me, ones that should usually get somebody to feel something, washed over me completely. I sound melodramatic, no doubt, but I didn't feel any emotion on a large scale, and that's the truth.

That other old wound remained too. You know exactly which one I'm talking about - Amber. Year after year, I hoped that she would open her eyes and see me, and accept all I was willing to give. This year, that sentiment remained, though admittedly, much weaker than it had ever been.

Still, if you've read my blog over the years (all 0.23259 of you) you'd know that I've called it "Never Give Up" for that specific reason. I would never give up on the dream of being with this person, even though by all means, we obviously don't match with each other, and things were dangerously toxic to say the least.

Let's just say that I am a pretty stubborn guy - and that is one hell of an understatement (hint: I'M VERY FUCKING STUBBORN). I refused to give up.

Long story short- there was nothing happening there. Again. As much as I willed myself to keep hanging on, to keep being there (in whatever capacity), nothing ever came to fruition. All I was doing was hurting myself due to my ridiculous expectations and the resulting letdowns.

So yeah, I wasn't in a great place. My family was losing important members at an alarming rate and my love life was non existent. That, and I felt more lonely than ever - my close friends seemed awfully scarce too. The combination of all of these left me in one very, very dark place.

And then I met Miss Tweedy, and everything changed.

I've been wanting to write this post all week. I've been formulating it in my head over and over again, trying to grab the right words to express my thanks to this exceptional female. Sitting here now though, I really am at a loss for words. I can't encapsulate everything, I really can't, but I'll try...

Miss Tweedy, you have honestly brought me back to life. You have filled my heart with love, and kickstarted it into existence again. For that, I am eternally grateful.

You are so talented, so beautiful, so uplifting, and so so much more! I truly don't know what I would do without you in my life - you are so intertwined and a part of it now. The past few months have felt like long years, and I mean that in the best way. What an adventure!

I am quite easily the luckiest guy in existence! Thank you for accepting me as I am, and for loving me like you do. I've never been the recipient of such kindness and care from a partner. Forgive me if I've been slow on the uptake - I'm still adjusting to this overwhelming love you are constantly providing!

Were it not for you, this year, 2015, would've passed by without me even paying attention. Thank you for getting me to sit up and take notice again. I love you, so so so much, and I can't wait to dive into 2016, and the years to come, with you by my side!

And yeah. that's me. Seems that being stubborn and refusing to give up was the wrong move. Learning to let go though... that was difficult, believe you me! I took that plunge though, and I am beyond happy at the outcome.

I'm brimming with happiness again, and excited for the future. Who would've thought that one person could have such an effect? Nothing seems to capture how I'm feeling more than this latest song from Coldplay...

Now I feel my heart beating
I feel my heart underneath my skin
And I feel my heart beating
Oh you make me feel
Like I'm alive again

2015, filled with downsides no doubt, carried so many positives. I got over some issues, found love along the way. Heck, this year, I even became an uncle, and later, a Godfather. What's not to be happy about?

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South Africa
BA English and Communication graduate. I like to write stuff!