Monday, October 12, 2009

A Love Crazy World

The World can be a totally messed up place. Wars are raging all over the show, crime is rampant, people have their own agendas, and so on and so forth. The news is filled with so many articles that show no promise. Murder, Rape, Muggings, etc. Have you even paged through a newspaper and tried to outnumber the articles that speak of the worlds cruelty, finding more good then bad? Its a mighty feat ;) go try it. Sure some people are thinking now "No, it's just South Africa that has so much wrong with it!" The rest of the world has its problems too, maybe not in such a huge ratio, but the world is full of cruel people.

I've never actually been one for preaching to people, I'm still far to shy and not knowledgeable enough to have the confidence to approach people and hope to get good results (which is lame I know :) If God wants to do work, God will do work!) This has been spoken about before, I know, but I was reading though my bible today during quiet time and a verse jumped out at me. Acts 2:40 - Then Peter continued preaching for a long time, strongly urging all his listeners, "Save yourselves from this crooked generation!"

If you can imagine looking into peoples hearts, their true feelings, how many people would simply have just given up? Or have a simple excuse? "We live in a cruel world, where it is tough to stand up for what should be believed in. I've given up, The world will judge me if I stand out. I don't fit in with the worlds agenda." A lot of people will argue that times have changed, this is modern day and leave the past to the past. Yes its true, this is modern day. Yet, Modern day is still full of cruel people, with a few really standing up for God. Has that olden day "cruel generation" really left? Not at all... The world was cruel then and it still is today! This doesn't mean we must act defeated, we need to seize what God has planned for each of us, just as Peter preached to all of his listeners, we need to save ourselves from this crooked generation, and save this crooked generation from itself. You might look pathetic in the worlds eyes, but you are so perfect in Gods eyes! People need to know it... because not many people do =/

It is really annoying that it is human nature to pick on the bad and overlook the good. There is so much good in this world that people fail to see (myself included :D). We are surrounded by Gods beauty EVERYWHERE! In the sky, on the earth, surrounded by Gods majestic creations (and a few lame "human" ones :P but thats besides the point.) While sitting behind my pc today a thunderstorm snuck out of nowhere, and it started hitting around my house a lot. It is just a small, fractional part of Gods awesomeness, and it was followed by beautiful rain and hail :) We all know that my favourite of God's non-animate creations is the moon, I don't really know why :S I just know that my God put it there as a minor detail to the universe, but he took the time to put it there. I bet the sun would hold a similar place in my heart if I didn't fear being blinded upon staring at it for too long :O haha

I know this must be utterly random coming from me of all people :P and I don't think it really made much sense -_- but it did in my head :P and that's all that matters. I had it all nicely planned out with conclusion and everything, but I got lost within my ramblings O_O so yeah. 

Anyways, one reason I blogged tonight was just to share that Crystal has gotten engaged! Not that you may know who she is :) just that she has added to the count of the total amount of peopke I know getting married or engaged this year O_O ITS CRAZY! That is now the 3rd person I know from school who is engaged! I just find it so encouraging :) The world may be stuffed up, but Love isn't. Love can outlast anything! It is just so awesome seeing these friends of mine committing - where the world says don't get married young, DIVORCE STATS ARE HIGH! Gods children say - stuff you world we were made for each other long before we were even born, and they are doing it :) Go ENGAGED AND MARRIED COUPLES! I can't wait to be ready for marriage :) one day...

Ok this is me ending this blog off NOW! Abruptly even :) I'm not going to talk about Amber like I said I was going to last night :P

P.S (she ahd to sneak in somehow :P) Ambers FB status tonight (in reference to finding out about Crystals engagement) was:

Amber Bamzombie Smith - everyone's getting married and engaged... *nervous laugh* no pressure now :P

Nervous laugh my ass... You're gonna marry me one day XD haha

Sunday, October 11, 2009

The Kiss of Death

So my leave has finally come to an end. Its quite sad really, I feel like a little kid in school dreading the haul back to school. Except, in school you have friends to look forward to and half days. Ok, my job really is not that bad, I'm just more irritated with the politics that goes on in my work place! Most definitely not looking forward to it at all, plus it is the period leading up to christmas so I can expect lots of annoying work :O

I'm actually starting to get so irritated with myself, using my own blog to moan about all the "wrongs" in my life. Surely I have some good to write about? Not at this actual time no :) I've slipped again. In fact, all this whole flipping blog seems to revolve around Amber. Minor thing getting me down is work, but the whole story with Amber just seems to be the only thing that really makes my heart hurt.

So if you do actually keep up with me, Last Sunday I saw Amber very briefly at church, and it made me miss her a hell of a lot (more then I normally do O_o) i can;t exactly remember what happened on Monday and Tuesday, but I didn't talk to Amber at all. I was bummed because she knew I was on leave and I was kind of expecting her to want to hang out (like she seemed keen on when I was away, what happened to that?) On Wednesday I was like "screw it, I'm not going to wait on her forever." I found her on Googletalk:

Amber: much better thanx :)

me: thats good :) glad to hear it
what you up to today?

Amber: how you?
hmm brunch, children's church stuff and a movie. yoiu?

me: im good thanks, slight headache O_o woke up with the sun shining in my eyes
nothing :P lol
thought maybe you'd wanna hang out or something
Amber: I think I would really like that :)

I was actually taken aback. I was just expecting a big no but "I think I would really like that :)" Seemed really awesome. So I ended up fetching her and we went for Coffee at Bedford, visiting Cleo too. We just got coffees at Seattle and walked around the exclusive books, browsing whatever there was. I really enjoyed it because it meant not being forced to have conversation because we weren't next to each other the entire time. I didn't really know what to talk to her about so it just made for good random social conversation. 

So after all that we went to her house so I could drop her off. I remembered that I had bought series for her that I knew she would enjoy. So I ended up going in instead of just dropping her off (to copy the series over.) I had my DS too so while the series was copying over we took turns in playing a game I had (it was perfect for casual play beween two people, no story or anything.) Before we knew it, the series had finished copying over, but it didn't matter because we were enjoying each others company. We were sitting on her chair in her room - like a really nice big one seater, not big enough for two people, but very roomy for one person. I was sitting on the chair and she was sitting on the arm rest. It was awesome, how I'd missed just being so close to her, hearing her enchanting voice, being taken in by her infectious laugh. I was enjoying myself a hell of a lot, when before I knew it, her face was so close to mine. 

I had been building myself up for this for weeks (assuming by some odd chance it came about.) Just pull away, DO NOT GIVE IN! IT WILL JUST MAKE YOU DIE ALL OVER AGAIN! Just say no, Just say no... At least, that was the theory =/ When you have the girl you would die for, the girl you are so smitten and in love with, the girl you are longing to spend the rest of your life with, just leaning in like that, HOW DO YOU SAY NO?! When you look into heaven resting in her eyes, when you can see the softness in her cheeks, when you can smell her all too perfect sweet scent, HOW DO YOU SAY NO?! If you are me, regardless of the implications to follow, ignoring the thought of the possibility of HUGE pains in the heart, you don't listen to your head. You follow your heart and meet her there. I made the trip, I met her... and we kissed.

My head was exploding, All these weeks of her cold shoulders or lack of interest, and here she was, kissing me. She did still have feelings for me, why else would she be kissing me? We kissed, and held each other forever, I wish it did last forever. Before long time was fighting against us. She was due at movies with Cleo in a bit, so she had to get ready. I asked her when did she want me to leave? And she replied that I could leave whenever I wanted to. So I didn't leave, she went to get ready. A little while later she was done. Perfect hair and makeup (not that she needed any of it >_<>

Man, I was on a high that evening. I was like in the most amazing mood EVER! I couldn't stop smiling, wondering if she was going through the same emotions I was. After her movie we chatted very briefly on Google, and that was it.

Thursday and Friday I still had free, and I would have done anything to spend it with her. She was "busy" though. I know she had things to do, but I was so skeptical that she couldn't seem to find a gap to fit me into her whole busy schedule. Come Friday at youth I felt so lame. I found excuse to be around her lots, she found reason to hardly talk to me at all or aknowledge me. It seemed like she was ignoring me. I had to go drop Paul and Mikey at home. When I got back everybody had left and her and Nic were still there. Nic left and as Amber was climbing into her car. 

Me: Hey what you doing now?

Amber: Probably going home, why?

Me: Wanted to do coffee or something...

Amber: Nah I'm tired.

I was already climbing into my car. I should have expected the rejection. But oh my, that whole day I was looking forward to seeing her. It was all I thought about, just spending time with her. Not kissing or anything, just being with her. That rejection hurt a hell of a lot.

I really want to blog more about Saturday and Sunday - but I have to get sleep - Im working tomorrow, this blog is already epic long, and I'm too depressed to think about Saturday or tonight.

If you do read my blog -_- I'm sorry that all you get is my heart problems, and large doses of Amber. You see though, it does me good though to get it off my heart. So I need to do this. I really wish I could find my comfort in God at a time like this O_o and I know I can! I just don't know what is holding me back. I want God, I want comfort, I want Amber. Gah Im too human... Its annoying!

Amber, why the hell would you kiss me? Then just act like it didn't happen? Its realy, REALLY sucky! You've awakened buried feelings in me -_-

I think I'll blog the rest tomorrow.... Goodnight. 

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Missing In Action?

Another day, another blog ^_^

I have just finished my second week of leave, and I am just entering my last one now. I spent so much time with Jesse and Veronica (cousins who stay all the way in Secunda) and even more time with Jesse :) his sister stayed at home instead of coming to Jhb these last few days because she had some school work to get through. So Jesse stayed with me from Wed-Sunday (aka today, yesterday :P) He went back home first thing this morning! I must admit, I actually spent the whole day being sad that he was gone =/ it was so awesome having him around, like my own little brother. Although he isn't by blood, he will still be my little brother always, and his sister my sister. 

I actually don't know whats up with me today O_o apart from Jesse being gone, I just spent the whole day being sad. Even my dad asked my like a million questions trying to figure out whats wrong. There is a lot going on in my heart at the moment, which of I won't bore you with in this blog. I guess I'm just feeling uber lonely, now that I have a whole week of leave left with nothing planned at all other then staying at home. 

Amber picked the worst time to suddenly want to start chatting and hang out with me -_- She sms'd quite a lot while I was in Secunda and even kept wanting to know when I would get back because she wanted to hang out. By the time I got back, well she had other plans, so I missed out on the chance to spend time with her. She knows I have this whole week, with nothing planned. I really hope she wants to spend time with me, because I most certainly want to spend time with her! I somehow doubt it, whatever reason she wanted to hang out for is probably long gone by now. She is confusing as ever -_- seemingly seeking attention one second, and then barely acknowledging me the next! I saw her tonight... All that happened was a "Hi, goodbye" basically :( gah! This is so annoying... I love that woman too much. Whats wrong with me? I never saw her for two weeks, and my word... I looked forward to seeing her this weekend so much! I was in a rush though, so I guess that was a part of us not really talking. I wish I could drop my habit of glancing at her from across the room every five seconds. Thank God I'm sneaky enough that she doesn't catch me. She takes my breath away O_o she is too amazingly beautiful.

Funny how I told myself that I would NOT talk about Amber in this blog, but it hurts to keep it all in and she had to sneak her way into it somehow O_o There is this damn "gloop" of despair in my stomach, like there is an emptyness, or scaredness. Empty because I miss her, scared because it would hirt like crap to see her fall for somebody else. As each day passes though, I keep getting the feeling that thats not too far off -_- Im a moron. This blog probably won't make sense to you :P but its ok its helping me :)

Definitely lots of missing in action... I'm actively missing you lots, Amber. 

About Me

My photo
South Africa
BA English and Communication graduate. I like to write stuff!