So my leave has finally come to an end. Its quite sad really, I feel like a little kid in school dreading the haul back to school. Except, in school you have friends to look forward to and half days. Ok, my job really is not that bad, I'm just more irritated with the politics that goes on in my work place! Most definitely not looking forward to it at all, plus it is the period leading up to christmas so I can expect lots of annoying work :O
I'm actually starting to get so irritated with myself, using my own blog to moan about all the "wrongs" in my life. Surely I have some good to write about? Not at this actual time no :) I've slipped again. In fact, all this whole flipping blog seems to revolve around Amber. Minor thing getting me down is work, but the whole story with Amber just seems to be the only thing that really makes my heart hurt.
So if you do actually keep up with me, Last Sunday I saw Amber very briefly at church, and it made me miss her a hell of a lot (more then I normally do O_o) i can;t exactly remember what happened on Monday and Tuesday, but I didn't talk to Amber at all. I was bummed because she knew I was on leave and I was kind of expecting her to want to hang out (like she seemed keen on when I was away, what happened to that?) On Wednesday I was like "screw it, I'm not going to wait on her forever." I found her on Googletalk:
Amber: much better thanx :)
me: thats good :) glad to hear it
what you up to today?
Amber: how you?
hmm brunch, children's church stuff and a movie. yoiu?
me: im good thanks, slight headache O_o woke up with the sun shining in my eyes
nothing :P lol
thought maybe you'd wanna hang out or something
Amber: I think I would really like that :)
I was actually taken aback. I was just expecting a big no but "I think I would really like that :)" Seemed really awesome. So I ended up fetching her and we went for Coffee at Bedford, visiting Cleo too. We just got coffees at Seattle and walked around the exclusive books, browsing whatever there was. I really enjoyed it because it meant not being forced to have conversation because we weren't next to each other the entire time. I didn't really know what to talk to her about so it just made for good random social conversation.
So after all that we went to her house so I could drop her off. I remembered that I had bought series for her that I knew she would enjoy. So I ended up going in instead of just dropping her off (to copy the series over.) I had my DS too so while the series was copying over we took turns in playing a game I had (it was perfect for casual play beween two people, no story or anything.) Before we knew it, the series had finished copying over, but it didn't matter because we were enjoying each others company. We were sitting on her chair in her room - like a really nice big one seater, not big enough for two people, but very roomy for one person. I was sitting on the chair and she was sitting on the arm rest. It was awesome, how I'd missed just being so close to her, hearing her enchanting voice, being taken in by her infectious laugh. I was enjoying myself a hell of a lot, when before I knew it, her face was so close to mine.
I had been building myself up for this for weeks (assuming by some odd chance it came about.) Just pull away, DO NOT GIVE IN! IT WILL JUST MAKE YOU DIE ALL OVER AGAIN! Just say no, Just say no... At least, that was the theory =/ When you have the girl you would die for, the girl you are so smitten and in love with, the girl you are longing to spend the rest of your life with, just leaning in like that, HOW DO YOU SAY NO?! When you look into heaven resting in her eyes, when you can see the softness in her cheeks, when you can smell her all too perfect sweet scent, HOW DO YOU SAY NO?! If you are me, regardless of the implications to follow, ignoring the thought of the possibility of HUGE pains in the heart, you don't listen to your head. You follow your heart and meet her there. I made the trip, I met her... and we kissed.
My head was exploding, All these weeks of her cold shoulders or lack of interest, and here she was, kissing me. She did still have feelings for me, why else would she be kissing me? We kissed, and held each other forever, I wish it did last forever. Before long time was fighting against us. She was due at movies with Cleo in a bit, so she had to get ready. I asked her when did she want me to leave? And she replied that I could leave whenever I wanted to. So I didn't leave, she went to get ready. A little while later she was done. Perfect hair and makeup (not that she needed any of it >_<>
Man, I was on a high that evening. I was like in the most amazing mood EVER! I couldn't stop smiling, wondering if she was going through the same emotions I was. After her movie we chatted very briefly on Google, and that was it.
Thursday and Friday I still had free, and I would have done anything to spend it with her. She was "busy" though. I know she had things to do, but I was so skeptical that she couldn't seem to find a gap to fit me into her whole busy schedule. Come Friday at youth I felt so lame. I found excuse to be around her lots, she found reason to hardly talk to me at all or aknowledge me. It seemed like she was ignoring me. I had to go drop Paul and Mikey at home. When I got back everybody had left and her and Nic were still there. Nic left and as Amber was climbing into her car.
Me: Hey what you doing now?
Amber: Probably going home, why?
Me: Wanted to do coffee or something...
Amber: Nah I'm tired.
I was already climbing into my car. I should have expected the rejection. But oh my, that whole day I was looking forward to seeing her. It was all I thought about, just spending time with her. Not kissing or anything, just being with her. That rejection hurt a hell of a lot.
I really want to blog more about Saturday and Sunday - but I have to get sleep - Im working tomorrow, this blog is already epic long, and I'm too depressed to think about Saturday or tonight.
If you do read my blog -_- I'm sorry that all you get is my heart problems, and large doses of Amber. You see though, it does me good though to get it off my heart. So I need to do this. I really wish I could find my comfort in God at a time like this O_o and I know I can! I just don't know what is holding me back. I want God, I want comfort, I want Amber. Gah Im too human... Its annoying!
Amber, why the hell would you kiss me? Then just act like it didn't happen? Its realy, REALLY sucky! You've awakened buried feelings in me -_-
I think I'll blog the rest tomorrow.... Goodnight.