My Love

Heya long lost blog.

Thought I'd have a quick catch up, something that had been long overdue!

The last 2-3 months have been pretty heavy on me. I got retrenched from my job (don't think I ever wrote that anywhere). Its slowly catching up to me as I have been living off my savings since then, still paying my car and many other expenses. Now that I am on holiday I guess I should be looking for work, but I have no idea what to do. I have a contact for Au Pair work and for promotional work, the latter which I don't really want to do as I hate it. Time will tell most likely.

I've been extremely lonely over the last few months. My two closest friends have been so distant, it honestly doesn't feel like they exist anymore. This is made worse by the fact that I've hardly gone out over the past few weeks. I don't really have money to spare, but that aside, I haven't really been cracking invites from either of them.

Gareth hurt me a few weeks ago, more then I care to admit. He asked me to lend my camera for a shoot he had to do. This itself wasn't a problem. It was only after a few days that I found out he was lending my camera so another friend of ours could road trip with him to shoot a gig and use my camera to assist. It just really seemed fucking inconsiderate. Do I exist just to be used when convenient? Why would I not be first choice for such a trip? -_-

I went to Ambie's last night to drop off some series. In our conversation we had later in the evening, she posed a question. "Who is your best friend?" I've always considered her to be my closest friend, more than Gareth. I couldn't bring myself to even say it was her, because it no longer was. She had made some close friends in college, which I am grateful for. She is getting to experience a great student life, grow up socially, and just have fun. En route though, she has seemingly forgotten about me, something that has been cutting into me each and every day. I still think about her constantly, wondering what she is up to and how she is. It just seemed like she didn't really care about me much anymore, replacing any friendship between us with her new friends.

A few weeks back she said "We don't talk much anymore. Its actually quite sad." I've indirectly tried hinting that her time is permanently spent with her friends, which she often replied "maybe." The issue isn't her friends, I think they are a cool bunch of people. Remember that I am being one-sided here, I have no idea what goes on in her mind or how she really feels. I just felt lonely, being excluded from her life.

Back to last night, I couldn't answer her question. I have no real best friends. We spoke calmly about it. I had to fight hard not to burst into tears. The months of accumulation had built up and I was ready to crack. I had a mini break down, but I told her how I felt. She told me she was sorry, which made me feel a little better.

I can kind of understand her perspective. It honestly is great that she has made a new group of friends. Does she really need the friendship of an ex boyfriend? It makes me feel super depressed. I know we might not be compatible, might not be meant for each other. I just can't imagine not having her in my life though. I know that if she ever finds another guy I'm going to have to suck it up big time and get over it. I had a nightmare about it the other day; she was in the arms of another guy, and just before they kissed, I woke up. It was quite shitty :S I really didn't like it.

I know the above is an incoherent ramble, but as always, writing always seems to make me feel a hell of a lot better. I'm a mess, more than I care to admit. My family doesn't know it. Sure, I'm a happy guy by default, but I've gotten really good at keeping my feelings to myself (mostly anyways). I just don't want to inconvenience anybody with this bullshit, and I feel stupid for feeling the way I do. Amber Amber Amber Amber Amber... The name thats been on my heart for over five years now. Is this is not love? If it isn't, then I'm crazy. What do I do? Who knows. Keep pushing on I guess.

I wish I had a better memory, so I could document or write out my thoughts better. I don't really feel like I said what I wanted to, but I haven't read what I have written so yeah. I know Amber still cares about me, and that should be enough. This pressure I try force onto her is rubbish, but I think I've done a good job lately, trying to play a dormant role, a friend in the background that will always be there for her regardless of everything. I hope she knows that... I hope she does.

This might seem silly, but we listened to music yesterday and I completely forgot about this one song she had put on a playlist she made for me a year or two ago. Its been in my head all day, being whistled, hummed, etc. If we were to get married one day, I could see us dancing to this. The song may not be appropriate, but its beautiful to me. Thinking about us dancing makes me well up. God, this woman will be the death of me. I love her, I really do.

Not The Official Video, but this is it.

I need to get back into writing. I need to get back to being normal.

Chronological Speed? SLOOOOOOOW DOWN!

Well, isn't this a pleasant surprise hmmmm? Here I am writing once more when I thought I would no longer use this blog at all. Where does one even begin?

For starters, my last post was nearly a year ago. I honest to God can't believe that it has been that long since I've poured out my feelings. Firstly, time flies. Secondly, thats a long time to not talk to anybody about whats going on in ones mind.

Next, I must say I like the new layout of the publishing part of blogger. Its nice and neat and seems like a vast improvement over the old editor.

I'm slightly out of touch with writing personal stuff down lately, so forgive me if I am all over the show. This feels so nice already though!

I did the unthinkable a couple of months ago and told Amber about this blog. Giving my big black book to the subject in which I constantly talk about? Yeah madness I know. I really thought she would be offended by some vile stuff I have said, but she didn't seem to be. It felt nice to know that she finally had some sort of insight into what goes on in my mind, even when most of the time I don't even know myself.

I don't regret telling her, I don't think. If anything, I really think it was a huge relief for the most part. We were fighting at the time, and quite frankly in the make up discussion, I felt like she was being really honest with me, so I thought it was only fair that I be honest with her. What better way than to let her read what went on in my mildly abnormal mind over the last couple of years? Granted I don't remember the details about that particular evening when I shared this secret information, but It genuinely felt like the time was right.

But, what if she logs on now and reads current affairs as they happen? A part of me couldn't be bothered, but the other part of me that would suspects that she isnt rushing to that bookmark to see if I've written anything. Also, highly unlikely because I last blogged nearly a year ago. Lastly, she got a new Mac and I suspect that she didn't back up her bookmarks off her pc. I guess she could always google and such, with surprisingly accurate results. I still find the whole thing unlikely, and quite honestly... I'd just like to write. If she does read this and any future posts, well maybe she will do me the favour and not downright tell me so. If she does and I do blog frequently, I could always just private the whole damn site for only myself to see :P just saying.

So... the whole Amber story? There is no beginning into where I left off the last time. We are just friends, who act mostly as friends to each other. As I've spoken about countless times before, it genuinely is a difficult task for me. I can spend weeks not seeing her, thinking that I'm doing alright and being mature, moving on with life. Then I can spend the teeniest bit of time with her, see her briefly, or just have an old school random conversation with her and I'm instantly teleported back to square 1. MAGIC? Possible. ANNOYING AS HELL? Absolutely!

Yet lately I thought I was doing alright. As mean as it may seem, I'm making an honest effort not to talk to her. By that I mean I am not initiating any conversation with her, sparking any plans of seeing each other. I let her do all the initiating, as douchebag as that may seem. I promise, my intentions are good, and I'm trying to do it for the benefit of both of us.

Problem is, she mentioned it the other day over whatsapp. She said that it feels like we aren't so close anymore. Something that I'm forcefully putting into place. You'd think I'd just get over her already, and by all forms of logic and such, I should be! Yet I'm not. A small part of me doesn't mind, because I know my heart still craves that connection and future with her. The other part? Pissed off, annoyed, hurt... everything you'd expect from a whiney teenage girl. Could I grow up already? Could she stop frikking enchanting me without any effort on her part?

I don't know what the ef happened last night, but up until then I had been managing fine. Wearing my tough guy/don't care mask. I had a good day and everything, but my whole mood changed in the evening. I had some sort of lame emotional break down >_< like in every sense. Every part of my fibre turned from happy to sad. All I wanted to do was tell Amber that I don't like being "distant" friends, that I missed her immensely, that I still loved her deeply, and that its bullshit that we aren't together. I would never tell her the last two parts, but I came extremely close to admitting to her how much she was missed. God, it was annoying and I felt like an idiot.

Thankfully, I was overtired, and perhaps my rash thoughts were the result of a tired brain, and possibly a lonely heart. And that, is why I am here. Whenever there is something that eats me from the inside, nothing feels better than spilling its guts out onto paper (or the internet :P).

I'm pretty sure it must be exasperating for Amber to think that I still have these feelings for her when as far as I know, she does not share the same (at least not on my level. I think). In a parallel universe where she is chasing after me, I'm sure I would also be annoyed if I seemingly did nothing and had this crazy girl declaring her undying love for me.

I guess I could recap on what has happened over the last year, but I am far too lazy and amnetic to remember the tiny and even major details.

So there you have it. I'm out of retirement and writing again! There is lots more non Amber related stuff on my mind (writing, work, college, blah blah blah) but I guess that is for another time.

No spellcheck, no editing. Good luck reading my ramble if you are, because I'm not keen to do so myself ;)