Well, isn't this a pleasant surprise hmmmm? Here I am writing once more when I thought I would no longer use this blog at all. Where does one even begin?
For starters, my last post was nearly a year ago. I honest to God can't believe that it has been that long since I've poured out my feelings. Firstly, time flies. Secondly, thats a long time to not talk to anybody about whats going on in ones mind.
Next, I must say I like the new layout of the publishing part of blogger. Its nice and neat and seems like a vast improvement over the old editor.
I'm slightly out of touch with writing personal stuff down lately, so forgive me if I am all over the show. This feels so nice already though!
I did the unthinkable a couple of months ago and told Amber about this blog. Giving my big black book to the subject in which I constantly talk about? Yeah madness I know. I really thought she would be offended by some vile stuff I have said, but she didn't seem to be. It felt nice to know that she finally had some sort of insight into what goes on in my mind, even when most of the time I don't even know myself.
I don't regret telling her, I don't think. If anything, I really think it was a huge relief for the most part. We were fighting at the time, and quite frankly in the make up discussion, I felt like she was being really honest with me, so I thought it was only fair that I be honest with her. What better way than to let her read what went on in my mildly abnormal mind over the last couple of years? Granted I don't remember the details about that particular evening when I shared this secret information, but It genuinely felt like the time was right.
But, what if she logs on now and reads current affairs as they happen? A part of me couldn't be bothered, but the other part of me that would suspects that she isnt rushing to that bookmark to see if I've written anything. Also, highly unlikely because I last blogged nearly a year ago. Lastly, she got a new Mac and I suspect that she didn't back up her bookmarks off her pc. I guess she could always google and such, with surprisingly accurate results. I still find the whole thing unlikely, and quite honestly... I'd just like to write. If she does read this and any future posts, well maybe she will do me the favour and not downright tell me so. If she does and I do blog frequently, I could always just private the whole damn site for only myself to see :P just saying.
So... the whole Amber story? There is no beginning into where I left off the last time. We are just friends, who act mostly as friends to each other. As I've spoken about countless times before, it genuinely is a difficult task for me. I can spend weeks not seeing her, thinking that I'm doing alright and being mature, moving on with life. Then I can spend the teeniest bit of time with her, see her briefly, or just have an old school random conversation with her and I'm instantly teleported back to square 1. MAGIC? Possible. ANNOYING AS HELL? Absolutely!
Yet lately I thought I was doing alright. As mean as it may seem, I'm making an honest effort not to talk to her. By that I mean I am not initiating any conversation with her, sparking any plans of seeing each other. I let her do all the initiating, as douchebag as that may seem. I promise, my intentions are good, and I'm trying to do it for the benefit of both of us.
Problem is, she mentioned it the other day over whatsapp. She said that it feels like we aren't so close anymore. Something that I'm forcefully putting into place. You'd think I'd just get over her already, and by all forms of logic and such, I should be! Yet I'm not. A small part of me doesn't mind, because I know my heart still craves that connection and future with her. The other part? Pissed off, annoyed, hurt... everything you'd expect from a whiney teenage girl. Could I grow up already? Could she stop frikking enchanting me without any effort on her part?
I don't know what the ef happened last night, but up until then I had been managing fine. Wearing my tough guy/don't care mask. I had a good day and everything, but my whole mood changed in the evening. I had some sort of lame emotional break down >_< like in every sense. Every part of my fibre turned from happy to sad. All I wanted to do was tell Amber that I don't like being "distant" friends, that I missed her immensely, that I still loved her deeply, and that its bullshit that we aren't together. I would never tell her the last two parts, but I came extremely close to admitting to her how much she was missed. God, it was annoying and I felt like an idiot.
Thankfully, I was overtired, and perhaps my rash thoughts were the result of a tired brain, and possibly a lonely heart. And that, is why I am here. Whenever there is something that eats me from the inside, nothing feels better than spilling its guts out onto paper (or the internet :P).
I'm pretty sure it must be exasperating for Amber to think that I still have these feelings for her when as far as I know, she does not share the same (at least not on my level. I think). In a parallel universe where she is chasing after me, I'm sure I would also be annoyed if I seemingly did nothing and had this crazy girl declaring her undying love for me.
I guess I could recap on what has happened over the last year, but I am far too lazy and amnetic to remember the tiny and even major details.
So there you have it. I'm out of retirement and writing again! There is lots more non Amber related stuff on my mind (writing, work, college, blah blah blah) but I guess that is for another time.
No spellcheck, no editing. Good luck reading my ramble if you are, because I'm not keen to do so myself ;)