Tuesday, November 27, 2012

My Love

Heya long lost blog.

Thought I'd have a quick catch up, something that had been long overdue!

The last 2-3 months have been pretty heavy on me. I got retrenched from my job (don't think I ever wrote that anywhere). Its slowly catching up to me as I have been living off my savings since then, still paying my car and many other expenses. Now that I am on holiday I guess I should be looking for work, but I have no idea what to do. I have a contact for Au Pair work and for promotional work, the latter which I don't really want to do as I hate it. Time will tell most likely.

I've been extremely lonely over the last few months. My two closest friends have been so distant, it honestly doesn't feel like they exist anymore. This is made worse by the fact that I've hardly gone out over the past few weeks. I don't really have money to spare, but that aside, I haven't really been cracking invites from either of them.

Gareth hurt me a few weeks ago, more then I care to admit. He asked me to lend my camera for a shoot he had to do. This itself wasn't a problem. It was only after a few days that I found out he was lending my camera so another friend of ours could road trip with him to shoot a gig and use my camera to assist. It just really seemed fucking inconsiderate. Do I exist just to be used when convenient? Why would I not be first choice for such a trip? -_-

I went to Ambie's last night to drop off some series. In our conversation we had later in the evening, she posed a question. "Who is your best friend?" I've always considered her to be my closest friend, more than Gareth. I couldn't bring myself to even say it was her, because it no longer was. She had made some close friends in college, which I am grateful for. She is getting to experience a great student life, grow up socially, and just have fun. En route though, she has seemingly forgotten about me, something that has been cutting into me each and every day. I still think about her constantly, wondering what she is up to and how she is. It just seemed like she didn't really care about me much anymore, replacing any friendship between us with her new friends.

A few weeks back she said "We don't talk much anymore. Its actually quite sad." I've indirectly tried hinting that her time is permanently spent with her friends, which she often replied "maybe." The issue isn't her friends, I think they are a cool bunch of people. Remember that I am being one-sided here, I have no idea what goes on in her mind or how she really feels. I just felt lonely, being excluded from her life.

Back to last night, I couldn't answer her question. I have no real best friends. We spoke calmly about it. I had to fight hard not to burst into tears. The months of accumulation had built up and I was ready to crack. I had a mini break down, but I told her how I felt. She told me she was sorry, which made me feel a little better.

I can kind of understand her perspective. It honestly is great that she has made a new group of friends. Does she really need the friendship of an ex boyfriend? It makes me feel super depressed. I know we might not be compatible, might not be meant for each other. I just can't imagine not having her in my life though. I know that if she ever finds another guy I'm going to have to suck it up big time and get over it. I had a nightmare about it the other day; she was in the arms of another guy, and just before they kissed, I woke up. It was quite shitty :S I really didn't like it.

I know the above is an incoherent ramble, but as always, writing always seems to make me feel a hell of a lot better. I'm a mess, more than I care to admit. My family doesn't know it. Sure, I'm a happy guy by default, but I've gotten really good at keeping my feelings to myself (mostly anyways). I just don't want to inconvenience anybody with this bullshit, and I feel stupid for feeling the way I do. Amber Amber Amber Amber Amber... The name thats been on my heart for over five years now. Is this is not love? If it isn't, then I'm crazy. What do I do? Who knows. Keep pushing on I guess.

I wish I had a better memory, so I could document or write out my thoughts better. I don't really feel like I said what I wanted to, but I haven't read what I have written so yeah. I know Amber still cares about me, and that should be enough. This pressure I try force onto her is rubbish, but I think I've done a good job lately, trying to play a dormant role, a friend in the background that will always be there for her regardless of everything. I hope she knows that... I hope she does.

This might seem silly, but we listened to music yesterday and I completely forgot about this one song she had put on a playlist she made for me a year or two ago. Its been in my head all day, being whistled, hummed, etc. If we were to get married one day, I could see us dancing to this. The song may not be appropriate, but its beautiful to me. Thinking about us dancing makes me well up. God, this woman will be the death of me. I love her, I really do.

Not The Official Video, but this is it.

I need to get back into writing. I need to get back to being normal.

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South Africa
BA English and Communication graduate. I like to write stuff!