Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Scumbag Scrambled Brains

Sheesh its only been months since I've done anything here. I know I say that like every damn time I post, but if you're like me and you see that your last post was months ago, you'd be equally shocked. So if for some reason you have been reading my entire blog in one sitting, I apologise profusely for any likely repetition.

I'm trying not to break too much from tradition here, plus I don't have anything else to talk about really. I'm here to talk about the age old thorn in my heart, Amber. Its been months since we last really spent time with each other. In fact, coincidentally and everything, it will be four months tomorrow since we properly hung out (according to my last blog post and excluding like the one or two times we went to see movies).

So my plan is shit. Its not working. If you remember, my plan was to just sort of have her fade into a minor role in my life, and for me to not try be as big a part of her life as I always try to be. Using this logic of not participating in her life and vice versa, I was hoping that perhaps I would have a real stab at getting over her and moving on with my life. If at this point you are pulling your hair out saying "OMG REALLY?! HE IS STILL GOING ON ABOUT HER," I will understand completely. As I have said multiple times, I don't understand it myself, and its equally frustrating for me. So yes, clearly I am STILL NOT OVER HER.

How do I know this? Because I find it harder and harder each day to avoid making some sort of proper contact with her. I want to send her a message just asking how she is, how is life, how is she, etc etc etc. The other day my friend Gareth organised a spontaneous breakfast. I was keen to go, but then I found out she was going. A part of me was filled with dread, knowing that any contact with her would probably be painful for me in the long run. The other part was filled with joy because I knew I would get to see her and talk to her.

So we did the breakfast, and I found it hard to look and not look at her (if that makes any sense). I wanted to stare, yet I wanted to avoid staring. I wanted to talk to her, but we barely uttered two sentences to each other. Even though the breakfast was awesome, I drove home feeling disappointed with myself, and a little with her too. I tried making plans to go to movies with her a good few weeks ago which she turned down because she was incredibly busy. Its just hard now knowing that she is on holiday and hasn't really suggested any interest in returning the offer I had posed.

The real reason I wrote this post was because I had another dream last night. I was with her, and we were laughing and acting how we used to be in the good old days. I got to see her and talk to her, hold her and kiss her, something my brain just decided to spring on my unawares. Goddamit brain, can't you at least hear my desires, focus, and help me to move on with my life? Instead you are making it incredibly difficult, immensely hard! This stupid dream has me missing her, a lot.

She is still hanging out with the same friends I have mentioned before. Does she even still think about me? If she does, does it even compare remotely to how much I think about her? Does she even have any inkling of a feeling for me like she used to? Or is she trying to do what I am, and just simply suppress her feelings and move on with her life? Somehow, I doubt it.

I often wonder if I should private this blog, because she now knows about it. She talks to her friends about everything. One of my biggest fears is that she shares this with them. That thought kills me, and I really hope she doesn't. I doubt she would though, because she probably forgot this exists, much how she has forgotten that I exist.

From time to time I will go back and read my last few entries. I feel kind of disgusted and pathetic. Is it possible for me to talk about her in this way, without coming across as a creep or stalker or something far worse? I doubt it. I can't help the way I feel though... I have tried something new, it didn't work. I am close to cracking. I have no idea what I am going to do.

1 comment:

  1. I thought I'd leave you a comment...

    Dying may be hazardous to your health.

    Also, I can only imagine how shitty you're feeling... Write more! However much you've written on the topic of Amber, write more. Write to find the edges of what you're feeling. Dissociative angsty feelings are difficult to deal with, so delve into them and figure yourself out. And if people like, actually READ (gasps all around!) your blog, so much the better. Things in the open are, far more often than not, easier to work with. Then again, you could always actually talk to her? I suppose the point of that would be to worry about something tangible (in the case that her response is that she's definitively uninterested), instead of freaking out about a potentiality.


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BA English and Communication graduate. I like to write stuff!