I WANT MY BED!

So I'm in writing mode again, second time in two days :) This better keep up, because that way I'll eventually get around to continuing my story!!! (And eventually do my prototype article for the secret project involving rice and eggs ;D)

All I feel like writing as the moment, is my story with Amber. I know I know, thats all this blog seems to revolve around, but you must remember that Amber is a big part of my life (to me), and thus she seems to float around in my head lots :O Its also just a nice way of documenting whats happened in my life, so I can one day read about my life and decide if I stuffed up or not :P

So yesterday I spoke about how Amber told me she was over me and how devastating it was to me, not to mention that work wise, I was stressed out. She told me all that on the Monday. Now on the Tuesday I was to travel even further then I did on Monday. I was traveling to Bloemfontein, and then driving straight on to Kimberley. I would be staying over the night, and then driving through to Klerksdorp in the morning, followed by Potchefstroom, and then home. I stayed over at a very nice guest lodge. At first, I was so bummed at being alone, I really would have killed for some company considering how I was feeling, but then I realised that it was probably for the best as I would have probably made for some very bad company to the other person. If I remember correctly, I spent some time on mxit, and Amber was online too. I didn't want to say anything to her. True to my word, when she told me that it would be best if I avoid her too, I told her I'd stay out of her life. She, obviously wouldn't want to talk to me either. It was sucky though, hoping that perhaps she would send me a simple "hi" or something. I was grateful for being exhausted that evening (I was up and on the road at 03:45 and only finished work at 18:40 or so with zero breaks between). Being exhausted made it so much easier to sleep, or so I thought it would, but I still ended up going to bed late that night. I got 1 hours sleep the night before, and on this evening I only got 4 hours or so. Very exhausting stuff :P the following day went ahead, me driving all over SA again, and I finally got home. All I wanted to do was sleep, but again, I only got 4 hours :O So that was 9 hours in 3 days -_- I wasn't in the best of moods...

To my surprise, come Thursday, I had a FB Inbox message from Amber:

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Hey, I can't quite remember what you said about selling a spare monitor....? I was just curious.

( I bought a printer today :x ) 
You don't have to reply if you don't want.

============================================

It was an utterly random message, I had mentioned possibly selling my lcd screen to her a week or so before, and it was just so weird of her to be querying it now O_o maybe she just wanted to see if I would reply. I didn't. 

It was then Friday already, and I was very much looking forward to youth, but not so much to seeing her... It would just hurt me a lot. Especially considering that the Friday before I found excuse to be around her as much as possible, with a rejction at the end of the evening. So I really wasn't amped :P 

Well thats me done for the day :P I shall carry on tomorrow methinks :) I apologise if this story is not making sense so far... This happened mid October (quite a while ago :P) so I'm racking my brain trying to make sure my information is accurate :)

Hey Look! Its Story Time :O

Its less then a month away from christmas! Eeeek! How can this year have gone by so fast? I imagine that first thing next year I'm going to have to make one of those "What did I achieve in 2009" Lists. It may be blank or very, VERY short... oh well :P

So the biggest news I can share at the moment, is that If I can get my passport sorted out, I will then be spending Christmas in Madeira with Irene, Veronica and Jesse! (And other family that's there that I don't know too well :P) So i'm off to home affairs sometime this week to try get that sorted. Really hope I can go :D My dads paying for my ticket!!! What a winner!

Workwise, I really can't wait for my company to close for the holidays. That happens on the 16th of December and we stay closed until about the 6th if I'm not mistaken. I hope next year has something bigger for me, working at my company is so unforfilling -_- EGGS AND RICE BABY! :D

In terms of Amber, well, who really knows whats going on there :P I haven't really shared whats been happening with us since my last blog in which I got tricked because she kissed me, and then well, she didn't really have anything else to say about it. That honestly does feel like a life time ago, and I'm thinking that maybe one day I will have to blog it down because so SO much has happened in the last few weeks with her. 

If I had to sum up some of it now though, about a week after that kiss, I had one of the worst weeks I have ever had in my life (like, without trying to sound emo, or lame, it really really was... I don't know how I made it through that week O_o) Workwise, was difficult. My company does marketing and merchandising, and we were to launch Windows 7 in this week. I had to travel basically all over South Africa, doing lots of work everywhere. Spanning places like Vereeniging, Bloemfontein, Kimberley, Klerksdorp, etc. So there was lots of driving to be had :P 

Without giving too much away, I got one hour sleep between the Sunday night and Monday morning in which I was to leave. Amber and I spent all night talking and so on (not going to go into detail -_-) Anyways, en route to Vereeniging I check my FB and have a message from Amber. She said that she thinks its best if she avoids me for a while, and it would be best if I ignored her too. So naturally I was like "wth O_O" because I was all happy in thinking she was slowly falling in love with me again or something. So i conveyed my feelings, telling her to stop screwing me around and make up her mind. She then replied, telling me she was going to be honest with me. She told me that she was over me. 

Boy oh boy :) I though her dumping me last year was bad. I read that message over and over again (while driving - nearly at my destination) and upon getting to my destination, reading it even more. Here are pieces of it for you to read: 

===========================================================

I'm gonna be honest with you, even though that's hard for me, because all my beating around the bush always makes things worse. So here it goes:

I'm over you, but I do find it hard to not want to be with you sometimes...

I know that at a snap of my fingers you'll come crawling back. I hate that I can do that.

I hate that I have this 'power' over you because it gives me a huge responsibility which I shouldn't have and it's really a huge weight for me to carry...

===========================================================

I could feel a burning sensation running through my body, something I had never felt before. "I hate that I have this 'power' over." I read that and I was like what the heck??? The only reason you have this "power" over me, is because I'd do anything to make you happy! I'd never been more hurt in my life. Its like telling your kid you love him, and you act like it. Then you tell him that he was adopted and boot him out of your house and onto the street O_o (lol at bad figure of speech.) I had only had 1 hour of sleep, had the longest work day ahead of me, and I just had the girl of my dreams tell me that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore. You try having a job, where you have to talk to managers of stores, interact with sales staff, and be around lots of people. You try that, and try going a whole day with keeping a game face on, fighting your tears away, holding them back, trying NOT to think about what just happened... my word, it really REALLY sucked O_o I really, honestly don't know how I made it through that day, because just thinking about it now, I can't even imagine doing it again, it seems impossible.

So that was the monday, lots has happened since then... I wasn't actually going to go into such detail, but... the story is too long to tell all in one go :) So I think I'll do it in parts. I'll end this part here :P Kthxbye

Psssst...

AAAAH!!! What is this blogger thing? Just so everbody knows, I have NOT forgotten about this blog :) just been forgetting to take the time to update it :P

I finally have my new netbook, which in future (when I remember) will mean lots more writing material and submissions from me. I got me a little Gigabyte touchnote. I don't have the time right now, but I will give more detail about it in my next submission. I'm only killing time now because I am going t a wedding reception later, and I have nothing better to do at this EXACT second :P

On friday, we had the most EPIC thunderstorm I have exerienced EVER! The rain came down for ages, and I wasn't afraid to drive through it. I got into my car and drove to youth. While driving, on the horizon, it was totally awesome to see tons of lightning forking, over and over again! I really wish it would pour like that more often. Upon arrival at youth, I took my time walking to get in :P the rain is so awesome!

Anyways :P I know this was random, but expect a more meaty submission in this week to come, perhaps even tonight if im not tired :) Kthxbye! 

A Love Crazy World

The World can be a totally messed up place. Wars are raging all over the show, crime is rampant, people have their own agendas, and so on and so forth. The news is filled with so many articles that show no promise. Murder, Rape, Muggings, etc. Have you even paged through a newspaper and tried to outnumber the articles that speak of the worlds cruelty, finding more good then bad? Its a mighty feat ;) go try it. Sure some people are thinking now "No, it's just South Africa that has so much wrong with it!" The rest of the world has its problems too, maybe not in such a huge ratio, but the world is full of cruel people.

I've never actually been one for preaching to people, I'm still far to shy and not knowledgeable enough to have the confidence to approach people and hope to get good results (which is lame I know :) If God wants to do work, God will do work!) This has been spoken about before, I know, but I was reading though my bible today during quiet time and a verse jumped out at me. Acts 2:40 - Then Peter continued preaching for a long time, strongly urging all his listeners, "Save yourselves from this crooked generation!"

If you can imagine looking into peoples hearts, their true feelings, how many people would simply have just given up? Or have a simple excuse? "We live in a cruel world, where it is tough to stand up for what should be believed in. I've given up, The world will judge me if I stand out. I don't fit in with the worlds agenda." A lot of people will argue that times have changed, this is modern day and leave the past to the past. Yes its true, this is modern day. Yet, Modern day is still full of cruel people, with a few really standing up for God. Has that olden day "cruel generation" really left? Not at all... The world was cruel then and it still is today! This doesn't mean we must act defeated, we need to seize what God has planned for each of us, just as Peter preached to all of his listeners, we need to save ourselves from this crooked generation, and save this crooked generation from itself. You might look pathetic in the worlds eyes, but you are so perfect in Gods eyes! People need to know it... because not many people do =/

It is really annoying that it is human nature to pick on the bad and overlook the good. There is so much good in this world that people fail to see (myself included :D). We are surrounded by Gods beauty EVERYWHERE! In the sky, on the earth, surrounded by Gods majestic creations (and a few lame "human" ones :P but thats besides the point.) While sitting behind my pc today a thunderstorm snuck out of nowhere, and it started hitting around my house a lot. It is just a small, fractional part of Gods awesomeness, and it was followed by beautiful rain and hail :) We all know that my favourite of God's non-animate creations is the moon, I don't really know why :S I just know that my God put it there as a minor detail to the universe, but he took the time to put it there. I bet the sun would hold a similar place in my heart if I didn't fear being blinded upon staring at it for too long :O haha

I know this must be utterly random coming from me of all people :P and I don't think it really made much sense -_- but it did in my head :P and that's all that matters. I had it all nicely planned out with conclusion and everything, but I got lost within my ramblings O_O so yeah. 

Anyways, one reason I blogged tonight was just to share that Crystal has gotten engaged! Not that you may know who she is :) just that she has added to the count of the total amount of peopke I know getting married or engaged this year O_O ITS CRAZY! That is now the 3rd person I know from school who is engaged! I just find it so encouraging :) The world may be stuffed up, but Love isn't. Love can outlast anything! It is just so awesome seeing these friends of mine committing - where the world says don't get married young, DIVORCE STATS ARE HIGH! Gods children say - stuff you world we were made for each other long before we were even born, and they are doing it :) Go ENGAGED AND MARRIED COUPLES! I can't wait to be ready for marriage :) one day...

Ok this is me ending this blog off NOW! Abruptly even :) I'm not going to talk about Amber like I said I was going to last night :P

P.S (she ahd to sneak in somehow :P) Ambers FB status tonight (in reference to finding out about Crystals engagement) was:

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Amber Bamzombie Smith - everyone's getting married and engaged... *nervous laugh* no pressure now :P
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Nervous laugh my ass... You're gonna marry me one day XD haha

The Kiss of Death

So my leave has finally come to an end. Its quite sad really, I feel like a little kid in school dreading the haul back to school. Except, in school you have friends to look forward to and half days. Ok, my job really is not that bad, I'm just more irritated with the politics that goes on in my work place! Most definitely not looking forward to it at all, plus it is the period leading up to christmas so I can expect lots of annoying work :O

I'm actually starting to get so irritated with myself, using my own blog to moan about all the "wrongs" in my life. Surely I have some good to write about? Not at this actual time no :) I've slipped again. In fact, all this whole flipping blog seems to revolve around Amber. Minor thing getting me down is work, but the whole story with Amber just seems to be the only thing that really makes my heart hurt.

So if you do actually keep up with me, Last Sunday I saw Amber very briefly at church, and it made me miss her a hell of a lot (more then I normally do O_o) i can;t exactly remember what happened on Monday and Tuesday, but I didn't talk to Amber at all. I was bummed because she knew I was on leave and I was kind of expecting her to want to hang out (like she seemed keen on when I was away, what happened to that?) On Wednesday I was like "screw it, I'm not going to wait on her forever." I found her on Googletalk:

Amber: much better thanx :)

me: thats good :) glad to hear it
what you up to today?

Amber: how you?
hmm brunch, children's church stuff and a movie. yoiu?

me: im good thanks, slight headache O_o woke up with the sun shining in my eyes
nothing :P lol
thought maybe you'd wanna hang out or something
 
Amber: I think I would really like that :)

I was actually taken aback. I was just expecting a big no but "I think I would really like that :)" Seemed really awesome. So I ended up fetching her and we went for Coffee at Bedford, visiting Cleo too. We just got coffees at Seattle and walked around the exclusive books, browsing whatever there was. I really enjoyed it because it meant not being forced to have conversation because we weren't next to each other the entire time. I didn't really know what to talk to her about so it just made for good random social conversation. 

So after all that we went to her house so I could drop her off. I remembered that I had bought series for her that I knew she would enjoy. So I ended up going in instead of just dropping her off (to copy the series over.) I had my DS too so while the series was copying over we took turns in playing a game I had (it was perfect for casual play beween two people, no story or anything.) Before we knew it, the series had finished copying over, but it didn't matter because we were enjoying each others company. We were sitting on her chair in her room - like a really nice big one seater, not big enough for two people, but very roomy for one person. I was sitting on the chair and she was sitting on the arm rest. It was awesome, how I'd missed just being so close to her, hearing her enchanting voice, being taken in by her infectious laugh. I was enjoying myself a hell of a lot, when before I knew it, her face was so close to mine. 

I had been building myself up for this for weeks (assuming by some odd chance it came about.) Just pull away, DO NOT GIVE IN! IT WILL JUST MAKE YOU DIE ALL OVER AGAIN! Just say no, Just say no... At least, that was the theory =/ When you have the girl you would die for, the girl you are so smitten and in love with, the girl you are longing to spend the rest of your life with, just leaning in like that, HOW DO YOU SAY NO?! When you look into heaven resting in her eyes, when you can see the softness in her cheeks, when you can smell her all too perfect sweet scent, HOW DO YOU SAY NO?! If you are me, regardless of the implications to follow, ignoring the thought of the possibility of HUGE pains in the heart, you don't listen to your head. You follow your heart and meet her there. I made the trip, I met her... and we kissed.

My head was exploding, All these weeks of her cold shoulders or lack of interest, and here she was, kissing me. She did still have feelings for me, why else would she be kissing me? We kissed, and held each other forever, I wish it did last forever. Before long time was fighting against us. She was due at movies with Cleo in a bit, so she had to get ready. I asked her when did she want me to leave? And she replied that I could leave whenever I wanted to. So I didn't leave, she went to get ready. A little while later she was done. Perfect hair and makeup (not that she needed any of it >_<>

Man, I was on a high that evening. I was like in the most amazing mood EVER! I couldn't stop smiling, wondering if she was going through the same emotions I was. After her movie we chatted very briefly on Google, and that was it.

Thursday and Friday I still had free, and I would have done anything to spend it with her. She was "busy" though. I know she had things to do, but I was so skeptical that she couldn't seem to find a gap to fit me into her whole busy schedule. Come Friday at youth I felt so lame. I found excuse to be around her lots, she found reason to hardly talk to me at all or aknowledge me. It seemed like she was ignoring me. I had to go drop Paul and Mikey at home. When I got back everybody had left and her and Nic were still there. Nic left and as Amber was climbing into her car. 

Me: Hey what you doing now?

Amber: Probably going home, why?

Me: Wanted to do coffee or something...

Amber: Nah I'm tired.

I was already climbing into my car. I should have expected the rejection. But oh my, that whole day I was looking forward to seeing her. It was all I thought about, just spending time with her. Not kissing or anything, just being with her. That rejection hurt a hell of a lot.

I really want to blog more about Saturday and Sunday - but I have to get sleep - Im working tomorrow, this blog is already epic long, and I'm too depressed to think about Saturday or tonight.

If you do read my blog -_- I'm sorry that all you get is my heart problems, and large doses of Amber. You see though, it does me good though to get it off my heart. So I need to do this. I really wish I could find my comfort in God at a time like this O_o and I know I can! I just don't know what is holding me back. I want God, I want comfort, I want Amber. Gah Im too human... Its annoying!

Amber, why the hell would you kiss me? Then just act like it didn't happen? Its realy, REALLY sucky! You've awakened buried feelings in me -_-

I think I'll blog the rest tomorrow.... Goodnight. 

Missing In Action?

Another day, another blog ^_^

I have just finished my second week of leave, and I am just entering my last one now. I spent so much time with Jesse and Veronica (cousins who stay all the way in Secunda) and even more time with Jesse :) his sister stayed at home instead of coming to Jhb these last few days because she had some school work to get through. So Jesse stayed with me from Wed-Sunday (aka today, yesterday :P) He went back home first thing this morning! I must admit, I actually spent the whole day being sad that he was gone =/ it was so awesome having him around, like my own little brother. Although he isn't by blood, he will still be my little brother always, and his sister my sister. 

I actually don't know whats up with me today O_o apart from Jesse being gone, I just spent the whole day being sad. Even my dad asked my like a million questions trying to figure out whats wrong. There is a lot going on in my heart at the moment, which of I won't bore you with in this blog. I guess I'm just feeling uber lonely, now that I have a whole week of leave left with nothing planned at all other then staying at home. 

Amber picked the worst time to suddenly want to start chatting and hang out with me -_- She sms'd quite a lot while I was in Secunda and even kept wanting to know when I would get back because she wanted to hang out. By the time I got back, well she had other plans, so I missed out on the chance to spend time with her. She knows I have this whole week, with nothing planned. I really hope she wants to spend time with me, because I most certainly want to spend time with her! I somehow doubt it, whatever reason she wanted to hang out for is probably long gone by now. She is confusing as ever -_- seemingly seeking attention one second, and then barely acknowledging me the next! I saw her tonight... All that happened was a "Hi, goodbye" basically :( gah! This is so annoying... I love that woman too much. Whats wrong with me? I never saw her for two weeks, and my word... I looked forward to seeing her this weekend so much! I was in a rush though, so I guess that was a part of us not really talking. I wish I could drop my habit of glancing at her from across the room every five seconds. Thank God I'm sneaky enough that she doesn't catch me. She takes my breath away O_o she is too amazingly beautiful.

Funny how I told myself that I would NOT talk about Amber in this blog, but it hurts to keep it all in and she had to sneak her way into it somehow O_o There is this damn "gloop" of despair in my stomach, like there is an emptyness, or scaredness. Empty because I miss her, scared because it would hirt like crap to see her fall for somebody else. As each day passes though, I keep getting the feeling that thats not too far off -_- Im a moron. This blog probably won't make sense to you :P but its ok its helping me :)

Definitely lots of missing in action... I'm actively missing you lots, Amber. 

Plaster For My Heart Please? :D

There are many ways to get over a person that you don't ever seem to be over, unfortunately I don't know any such ways O_o 

I have my cousins over from Secunda, which is rad! They have been here since wednesday, and were here for Claudia's 21st (which, may I add was totally awesome :D) they have stayed ehre until today because their mom had a job interview here in Jhb so there didn't seem to be any point in driving home and coming back again. I took leave off work just to spend time with my cousins, and I do not regret doing so, I am just going to miss seeing somebody very, VERY much.

I am off with them to Secunda today, and I reckon I will probably be back on Monday or Tuesday. It is really cool, I love being in Secunda and lazying around, killing time with Veronica and Jesse. It just made me realise though that I will be missing youth, as well as any other weekend activities on this side of the world. Meaning that I will not see Amber at all this weekend :( The last time I saw her was after my previous blog entry - last week Friday, when I realised that I'm nowhere near as over her as I thought I was. So this weekend is a miss on seeing her, but then, my cousins will probably be coming back with me to Jhb next week when I get back, and spend Monday/Tuesday until Sunday here with me. This means, I will probably miss youth AGAIN and thus, not even see Amber. Meh... This is depressing me just thinking about it. Why the hell can I just not get over her already??? I can think, "Wow, two weeks until I see Amber again." While she is probably thinking "hmmm, "

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I can even sit and think about how I'm slowly getting over her, then some random memory hits me, I see some picture of her, I see her, etc... and I realise just how NOT over her I am >_< *sigh* I don't know why, but I'm just starting to see certain themes surrounding my life at the moment. Why is it, that when a girl gets some dumb ass guy, they stick with them no matter what? They "love" them and will do anything for him. Yet, I think of myself as a decent guy, I looked after any girl I may have been in a relationship with. Sure, I'm far from perfect I know, but one thing I'm sure of is my heart. Amber was my 3rd girlfriend in my whole life, and yet, I can't get let her go. I know for a fact I love her, and our history together should be testimony enough for that. I have ALWAYS tried my best to be there for her through thick and thin. Yet, she seems to find it simple to let go of me. It actually makes me feel like crap =/ like, maybe I wasn't good enough for her if I'm that easy to let go. The thought scares me, because even apart from the issues that came about, or my stuff ups, I know I put my all and my everything into that relationship, all for a big fat nothing.

I see myself as a good guy, and some people don't understand why I don't just give up with her already. I'm not as verbal about her as I was before so I'm sure everybody must think I'm doing ok with my heart. In all honesty, I don't understand that myself. Even falling in love with her took me by surprise, because I never saw anything in her. Then it hit me in a day and I felt her in my heart. That was well over two years ago. If this was just some BS teenage hormonal and naive love, then I'm sure I would have been over her already by now -_- (I know I'm 21 and no longer teen :P but I was 19 when we started dating)

The reason I this whole emo blog came about was because I just saw a recent photo of her uploaded to FaceBook by somebody else. I should just stay off that damn site >_<>

Amber, I miss you. A lot... A Hell of a Lot. I wish you missed me too :( enough to say something to me or let me know.

Ok end sad writings here :) yay! I'll just put on a fresh plaster and hope it holds ^_^

Damn you Dream! Hey Wait, Cool Idea :D

This past weekend has definately been a random and confusing one emotional wise. It was still a good weekend nonetheless :) If you read my previous entry you would know that my feelings for Amber have sort of awakened again. 

On Saturday evening I planned on going to Q's house to finish the ever awesome Resident Evil 5. We knew we were on the last stage so it was just a matter of finishing the game. Shortly before I left Amber started talking to me on Facebook chat. She asked me to help her do some preparation for Childrens Church in the morning (which she is part of.) I don't know what exactly it involved but she asked me to build a castle for her O_o lol I was like "er... ok thats random." Anyways eventually I agreed to it, saying I could help her for an hour or two before I went to Q's place (which is like a 5 minute drive away.) She was then like "No I was just kidding, go have fun." I was a bit irritated I must admit, being asked to do something, then finally agreeing, knowing I'd get to spend some time with her no matter what she wanted me to help her with, only to have her casually say she was just kidding. 

Sunday, I spent the afternoon at a family lunch. Literally as I was pulling out of their driveway, Amber called me. I was a little hesitant to answer in front of my parents (who were with me in my car) because my mom can be quite enquiring at times and its a little annoying. On top of that, I had no idea what she wanted to talk about. So I answered, we did the whole hello how are you thing, and this is a rough version of the rest of the conversation:

Amber: Where are you?
Me: I was at family, on my way home now.
Amber: Oh...
Me: Why?
Amber: I was just wondering, I'm bored.
Me: Where are you?
Amber: Just finished at Greenstone with other people, they all going home now.
Me: Oh ok.
Amber: yeah remember you mentioning you were on leave, so thought you might be at Q's house or something. Wanted to come hang out. 
Me: Nope, was there last night.
Amber: Oh yeah.
Me: We could always go watch the late show at greenstone or something? I'm up to it?
Amber: Na it's ok, everybody here seems tired anyways and is gonna go home I think.
(In my head I was thinking just us two O_o but ok.... lol)
Me: Oh... ok
Amber: Yeah
Me: Well, have a good evening then.
Amber: You too.

That was just version, I know there was more random rambling inbetween but thats irrelevant. So night number 2, and a no go from her again O_o geez she is so confusing...

The only reason I wrote this blog was to share the dream I had last night. It made me wake up this morning super happy O_o it was weird... If I blogged AS I woke up I'm sure there would be more details or inbetween bits, but this is all I can remember (The relevent parts, not what happened before or after :P I don't remember anything else.) I seemed to be in a hall of sorts, it seemed VERY similar to my primary school hall. I don't know what exactly was happening, but I know there were quite a lot of people. Amber was there too. I just remember us talking, and then she said something that actually hurt and irritated the crap out of me (Dammit I cant remember what it was that she said O_O) I walked away in a huff, and she saw the instant change in my mood. She called out to me something like "Hey you know I was just kidding right? We're still good aren't we? We're still friends right?" I stopped and said something to her (Dammit! Cant remember what I said either :P) and then the tables turned, she was walking away from me hurt and pissed at me. I had retorted something to offend her too. I just remember that it was a reflex comment, and that I didn't actually mean it :O so she walked away from me, looking more hurt then pissed off. Man it made me feel like an ass >_<

I followed her, trying to get to her and apologise. She was busy weaving through the crowd far to fast for me though! Eventually I got to her, but she was being comforted by a friend of hers who was giving her a big hug. I stopped and approached them. Amber looked scared, not wanting her friend to leave, but her friend did back away as I got closer. I don't remember EXACTLY what I said, but I grabbed Amber and held her, saying something along the lines of, "Dammit Ambie, you know I love you to pieces! cant you just accept that?" The reaction I got from her was totally unexpected. She pulled away from me and looked at me through her teary eyes, smiling her ever beautiful smile. She then surprised me by leaning up to me and kissing me quickly :$ she realised what she did and she pulled away, but then she also realised that she wasn't sorry about what she did because she leaned forward again. I turned my face and pulled it away though, thinking something like "No I'm not going to let you kiss me then just forget about me again." She didn't let it discourage her, she forced me to kiss her and I accepted :O

I don't exactly remember the rest of the dream, but man... That just made me wake up in the best of moods ever! She has taken such a firm residence in my heart :O and it made me heart fly above the clouds in my dream. Its hard to explain the whole scene in words, but I have it in my head, and possibly Ill add it to my book one day, because I do plan on having my main character part of a love story later in the book :) I think it'd be a rad addition!

Last thing, This was the state of my FB status this morning:

Fig ... wow........... that was awesome :)
-
Amber: what what what? 
-
Fig: :)
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Amber: sigh.... you never tell me anything :/

Obviously I was referring to my dream, but I'm not exactly going to tell her about it :P I just thought it funny that she says I never tell her anything, when lately, she doesn't let me onto much either ^_^ ok blogtime over - I know this was a random entry but get over it :P I'm on three weeks leave and have lots of time to kill :)

Guess I Never Did Give Up?

Ah yes, the casual innocent looking blog with deeper ZOMG OH NOES backbone rears its head :) nothing wrong with that I say! The whole point of this blog is to jot down my feelings anyways.

So let me fill you in quick on a little place called my heart quick, seeing as I haven't really blogged TOO much about my feelings for the last few weeks. Amber and I hardly talk to each other these days. In fact, my rough count is estimated that we have been super distant for around 11 weeks now. Sure, I still see her at youth, but thats more like a "Hey how are you? K bye," kinda vibe.  The first few weeks irritated the crap out of me, because I really was not used to that at all. I mean, one second we are super close, and the next we only seem to be at a greetings only stage. As the weeks moved on, I guess I kinda got used to it, although that didn't mean I was ok with this bare friendship I had with her... It drove me insanse! I just learnt to deal with it. One thing that really grated me, was the fact that as the weeks went by, she even stopped saying bye to me. It was the worst, socialising with friends, and then seeing her walking out the door with bag slung over shoulder, without so much as a glance back to say bye. I could never bring myself to leave without saying bye to her, but I guess thats just in my nature.

So anyhoo we make our way to the whole reason that this blog came about. My feelings with Amber were slightly faded, or so I thought, and I was just casual to her eventually. Tonight at youth that all changed though, not really the friendship part, but the way my feelings are towards her. I still have no idea how she feels towards me.... Like, Am I the only side of this ship that feels what I do for her? Or are all her interactions to me just mutual and casual?

Amber painted me the most awesome painting for my birthday. It wasn't finished for my actual birthday on 26th May, and she tried giving it to me a few weeks ago but it wasn't signed so I asked her to do it for me. Tonight after the awesome preach at youth she went to get it from her car and gave it to me in front of a whole bunch of other people. I really wish she gave it to me alone because all I wanted to do is give her a proper hug (not stupid fail sideways super distant hug) and tell her how damn much it meant to me. I did manage to get a hug in and utter an "I really really love it Amber," but don't think she heard me. Maybe its a good thing there were other people, if alone I don't think I would be able to let go of her for an awkwardly long time. I looked at her painting and my feelings peaked. She painted this for me, she put the effort into this just for me! Sure she has painted other pieces for other people, but this was my 21st birthday present, and it meant the world to me! 

God's presence can be so random at youth! Even though the preach was over people were milling about being prayed for and praying for other people. Gruff called me to go pray for somebody and told me that he thinks God wants to release something through me. I layed my hands on Mikey, who really was having an emotional evening. The preach seemed to hit him dead centre of his heart. Others were already praying for him but when I prayed for him he squirmed and fell to the ground, filled with the presence of God. Its not the first time its happened to me before, but the fact that it happened as I touched him really blew me away! God was using me!!! I moved over to Bianca and prayed for her, with the same results. I joined others in praying for certain people but nothing else really special happened (Not that I'm going to go into detail with in this blog.) 

Eventually I was standing at the back just chatting to Herman. When Amber went to stand in the front and talk to some friends. They all suggested praying for her and they started. Herman said "God wants to rid Amber of her sadness," and that hit me. He walked away and I was just left staring at her. Amber has by no means had an easy life, but I knew she was doing a lot better then she once was. But, thinking of her as sad, it tore my heart open. I hadn't interacted with her on a personal level for weeks, I honestly didn't know if she was happy or sad. Sure she has a happy face on in front of other people, but I know from experience sometimes there is something deeper going on inside that people may miss.

I watched everybody praying for her, and from where I was I started praying too in my head. I started to cry, and I have no idea why. I just prayed and prayed and prayed, wishing I was there in the crowd praying over her, asking God to take away any pain she may have, or any sadness. Give her a reassurance that although she may be in a dry season now, The rains are coming. And God has his clouds aimed at her! I feel so connected to her in ways that I cannon explain. I love her so much, enough to cry just at the thought of her feeling any form of pain! How I wish I was a good source of happiness for her. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I noticed her hair, I knew she had been planning on growing it, but over the last 11 or so weeks I stopped taking notice. I cant believe, that she looks even more beautiful with long hair. It blows my mind because I don't get how somebody so beautiful could grow even more so! They stopped praying for her, and I didn't stop looking at her. Only when she sat down did I realise I must have looked like such a chop staring at her from the middle of nowhere :O but I dont think anybody noticed at all.

Youth ended, and after everybody had left, it was just Gruff, Amber and I. Before everybody had left I scruffed Ambers hair playfully from behind, something I always used to do to her. She grabbed my hands and spun around smiling. Something I totally didn't expect O_o My feelings peaked again, some blind hope was there. I let go hastily, and I think she did too, was probably just a casual reflex from her side so don't know why it made me feel the way I did. Anyways we were left, just us 3. Gruff was locking up, And Amber walked towards her car and climbed in, starting up the engine. "Great!" I thought, "The non goodbye routine again..." Gruff and I started walking towards out cars and Gruff even asked "Where is she going?" He waved at her in a goodbye fashion, but I guess she changed her mind and pulled up by Gruff's car which was closest. We decided on a food place and Gruff said he had to go get changed in his car quick (Youth leaders were dressed up smart, he wanted to be casual again) which left me outside Ambers window.

"You gonna come?" I asked... secretly being super hopeful that she was
"Only if you pay for me," She said smiling.
"Sure I don't mind."

*Muses new cd playing in the background*

She loves Muse, like a lot. So I knew she was kinda jealous when Gruff mentioned that he and I ordered the Cd/Dvd Combo which Amber didn't know about (she had just bought the CD alone)

"You know christmas is coming up hey?" She said looking up at me with hopeful eyes
"Yeah I do... but you already have the cd so its kind of a waste buying you the combo."

She sulked, sliding her lower lip out and folding it down. She is so mad, she has NO idea how cute it makes her look. It just makes me want to kiss her :$ Its mad, its just the way she does it, and the way her beautiful eyes look at you. Speaking of which, I missed her eyes, the reason I had falled in love with her in the first place. They are so breathtaking! Grrrr.... This damn beautiful woman is screwing with my heart indirectly with her awesomeness... 

Cut a long story short, We went to get food. I sat opposite her and she said and did a million more things that made me long for her, just  to be with her. Stupid feelings... I thought they were a faded history, there but not quite enough to dominate my thoughts. Now they are back and feel quite a bit stronger. On the bright side though, I really feel like I have more control over my heart, and at least I'm not feeling sad that I'm not with her. Its more of a longing, just to spend every second I can with her. Not to mention that tonight was probably the most time I've spent in her company for like weeks! 

The night ended and now I am at home, missing her so much. Damn you feelings, stop screwing around with me! I love that damn painting, hope I can find a great spot for it! My word Amber, I hope you and I are meant to be... My whole blog is titled "Never give up" because when I started it, I had that mindset, to never ever give up on the idea of us two being together. The idea faded ever so slightly, but its back! Guess I never really did give up.

Amber, I love you, too damn much! 

Link to painting - Art 

P.s if you didn't know it - i LOVE the moon :) Full moons are one of my favourite things in the world! Hence why she painted it.

Im convinced that the little space character she drew is based on her one profile picture back in the day - Space man 

Hence why I'm convincing myself that the painting is an indirect way of telling me she loves me :) 

How Does It Feel To Win?

Well hello there :) Its me again! And i'm here to tell you a little more about my existence on this earth :P 

So I haven't blogged for a little while, but i'll fill you in on the little bits that have happened in my life in the last little while. The weekend before last I spend Wednesday to Sunday working at the Pretoria show. I REALLY wasn't looking forward to it at all. the hours were something like 10am-9pm EVERY day (Including the sunday.) This is the part where I realise HEY! I mentioned this expo in my last blog :P Only the Wednesday though because I blogged that evening. So what happened from Thursday to Sunday? Not much really, all that happened was a few more hundred viewings of twilight (Still actually really like it :$ never got tired of watching the random snips of it as I walked past the projector.) Anyways, there was to be a Lan held on the Sunday. Games: Half-Life 2 Deathmatch and CounterStrike Source. I wouldn't have looked twice at the advertisement if it didn't mention "Win a pc valued at R15000". That caught my eye and I found out more about it. I had worked enough time at the expo to know that I could enter without really missing out on anything. Sure the place was quite lively on the weekends, but my promoter would be able to handle or forms of traffic in our stand while I was gaming. The entry fee was a mere R20, which made sceptical that there was a catch somewhere to this uber priced prize.

So as Sunday drew closer, I eventually entered. Throughout the week I had been chatting to the guy that was organising the Lan. Heck, I even spent some time during the week playing vs random people that were playing as they passed through the expo. Now, I have LITTLE experience playing Half-Life 2 Deathmatch (Known as hl2 for the rest of my blog ;D) but I'm glad I got to play a bit of it between Thursday and Sunday. It is unlike any other games deathmatch, where its a matter of run and shoot. You have control of a gravity gun which you can use to pick up objects and fling them at other people to kill them. On top of that you also get normal projectile weapons. So during the week, I managed to learn the maps a little better, learn where to go for armour and where to find what weapon. Every weapon has its use in all honesty, but some weapons kill a lot faster then others :P thus meaning a better score in less time. the other game was CounterStrike Source (Css from here on :P) I used to play Css online for about 2 years, most of which I spent playing competitively,  for a team, but then eventually leading my own team. So I really wasn't worried about that game.

So eventually Sunday came along and I entered the competition. I explained to my promoter that I didn't know how long I was going to be, but that it hopefully wouldn't be too long. the competetion started at 3pm. the organiser explained that there would be two 30 minute sessions. At the end of which, the top 8 gamers would play in a final. I guess that's what they had planned but it never went that way.

So the first gaming round started with hl2, with several different servers hosting an amount of people. My server was quite competetive and I had to fight for the top spot. Jumping between second and third too sometimes. I somehow came back, and eventually when the round ended, I had a lead of 20 frags. Now for those that don't know much about gaming, that's a pretty big margin to lead a game by. As part of this tournament they also took deaths into account. So you had to make sure you not only killed as many people as possible, but died as little as possible too. I was quite chuffed, I could totally win that pc! 

The next round started and we moved onto Css. Css is a team based game, so in my opinion it was a bit unfair to have in the competetion, unless you entered as a team or something. The teams were random and we played. Now if you are a really good player and end up on a bad team, there is very little you can do to make your score look good. Fortunately I ended up on a decent team, and I finished top again. I was really happy at this point, I hadn't really hit any other player that could challenge me. At this point I thought the final was to happen, but that wasn't true. They decided to drag the competition out a bit more and have a few more rounds. 

Eventually I started having some trouble keeping on top position. This made me stress a little as at the time I wasn't aware that they were going to take OVERALL score over all the rounds and not just the top players. Between the upcoming rounds I still managed to win a few, but placed second in a few and if I remember third in one (Last second kills kicked me out of second place in hl2). There was one player playng css that really gave ne a hard time! I won't forget the one round which I thought had me kicked out. I had ended up on a really bad Css team (or the other team was just SO much better) and I just couldn't get any kills. Most rounds went something like this. My whole team died, and it was me vs 3 to 6 guys by myself. VERY difficult to get any form of score when you are outgunned like that. By the end of that round he had 24 kills for 2 deaths. I was sitting on something like 16 kills for 9 deaths. To put that in perspective for you, they work out a kill death ratio, called Kpd. His kpd was sitting at 12 after that round and mine was at 1.8. A gap of 10.2 O_O which is huge considering most kpd sits between 0.5 and like 2 or 3. (the highest I got I think was about 5 during one round). Fortunately he could not touch me in Hl2, and he even got lippy when they decided that Hl2 would be the last rounds game. So much so that even during the final, he got up to go and complain to the organiser (who was standing right in front of me). The headphones were loud, but not loud enough to block out what they were saying. I was certain I had won then, not sure, but certain (If that even makes sense). Surely I had performed the most consistently throughout? I was still playing when the organiser took the mic and announced me as the winner. I was so shocked though, because I thought we were busy playing the final. Guess it didn't really matter then :) I WON!!!!!!!!!!! 

I have yet to receive the pc, they organiser told me about a month tops (yeah I know... LONG WAIT!) but he said the suppliers were still going to build it, and they took their time all the time. all I know about it is that it will have Windows 7 and a new Intel i7 processor :D Cant wait! Still don't know exactly what I'm going to do with it, but still :) 

Anyhoo... thats all for today :) If you do by chance have an interest in the current book I'm writing, Im nearly done with Chapter 1 :D So amped to write the rest! I think its going to be exciting. Only time will tell!

Who Do You Trust?

I'm finally home, able to relax a little. I had a long, hard gyming session on Monday where I did a lot of leg work. Yesterday (Tuesday), I played indoor soccer too. So I woke up this morning feeling utterly stiff! Worst yet though - I was working at an expo all day today, which in essence meant I would be walking or standing all day long.

So I drove to the expo, only to find that I had no damn way of getting in to get my Exhibitor pass, not unless I paid the parking and entrance fee, which was a total of R55. Thats all fine and all, I would be reimbursed the value at a later stage. It kind of sucked realising that I had no money on me though. So it was off to find an atm, and I had already scrounged up enough change to pay the parking fee and I parked my car. So my car was to stay and I, was to walk around town to find an atm. Being in a town I didn't know at all, I was optimistic as I began my long, strenuous journey *Cue lord of the rings music here.* I walked a total of about 2km to find an atm, and another 2km back. Great start to a day :D walking my ass off because somebody forgot to organise me a Exhibitors pass and parking, not to mention that I couldn't call my contact lady on the inside because above mentioned incompetent person didn't send me her number.

So i finally made my way in, and took in the scenes of what would be my dungeon of a work environment for the next few days until Sunday. Ok, it wasn't that bad, more boring then bad work enviroment. Whoevers idea it was to have a computer expo, at a show where the main attractions are carnival rides and small style stalls, should be shot. The expo floor is QUIET as heck, not surprisingly though. Who in their right mind goes to a show for rides and food and expect to fork out R20k for a laptop??? Ok some people do :P but thats besides the point :) anyways onwards with the point of this blog!

On my stand we were selling various items. My key products though are printers and projectors. I saw what movie we were playing on our projector... Twilight. "Oh joy" I thought to myself in my head. "Im gonna have to watch this for 5 days straight?!?!" haha :) The expo was so quiet though, that I actually did get to watch most of the movie, over all 3 times it looped (before some lady came demanding a movie swap, because she was bored of hers -_-) Although, yes the book is so much better then the movie was, I still think the movie is cool in its own way. The acting could have been better, but the message gets across perfectly fine. I have just finished the last book in the series, so it was quite intriguing to watch the first movie, where it all began in a sense. I really found myself wanting to read the series again from the beginning. Not only that, but I felt kind of jealous of Edward and Bella :x How girly am I?!?! :P haha... I mean jealous in a way that, they are realising feelings for each other, and you see how it grows throughout the movie. One of the most awesome feelings in the world is being in love, not bearing to be apart from the one you want to be with. Worrying about their safety, no matter how little danger there may be. Always being there for them when they need you. I so totally miss that feeling, not that its completely absent, but I have no girlfriend to Love and worry about. 

I did watch most of the movie back in the day with Amber. She had literally read the entire first book in one day (she stayed up all night) and that evening we went to see the movie. The book was so fresh in her head that she immediately picked up on things they left out of the book or changed. It really annoyed her and she couldn't bear to sit through until the end of the movie. So we ended up leaving towards the end. When I watched the movie today, (beware, plot spoiler ensues... continue at next paragraph if you do not wish to know what happens :D) I saw the fight between Edward and James for the first time. I really thought it was an awesome scene! having read through all the books and knowing the characters a lot more then one can tell from the first book, I was consumed by glee whenever Edward beat the crap out of James. Then there was the part where Edward had to suck James' poison out of Bella's blood stream, a very difficult task considering that Edward may not be able to stop himself from sucking her blood. Obviously, in order for her to live he has no other choice, and through his love for her, is able to stop sucking so that she does not die. 

I really don't know why I am writing all of this. I just felt so inspired to write my book after seeing this movie. I so badly want to paint a picture like that, that my readers can get attached to and feel emotions for my characters. I wish to create a world that my readers can easily get sucked into and get lost in, and enjoy every second of it! I think i'm also just so smitten with couples and love these days I guess. Instead of the "Oh gosh bring me a vomit bag" thoughts one might normally have for a couple showing love for each other, instead I just feel a happiness for them :) They are experiencing feelings for each other so who am I to judge? Not to mention the fact that people I know are getting engaged and married left right and centre O_o definitely a season of love and bonding :O I really cant wait to get married one day. I just want to love my bride forever and ever! My heart just has all this capacity for it, yet Im still young... but i take comfort knowing that my heart cannot shrink, it can only grow :)

The title for this blog? Who knows :) Im so bad at deciding titles! I was listening to Cassette and this was the title of the song that just happened to be playing at the time. So er... I guess I should link this somehow to my blog :P Who do you trust? There is only one person to trust in, or being rather. God, I trust in you. I know you have a plan for my life, and for everything that happens. So, here's to trust and faith. Please God may I never give up on you and on myself! 

Yes ok I know that was random :) When I started this blog I had some idea as to how to connect the title to the blog but I forgot :P Im uberly and utterly tired now, and tomorrow is another work day at the expo. So goodnight cruel world :P <3

All This Useless Confusion

So here I am, several months later, forcing a blog out of myself. Quite an amusing point I might add, is that the title of this came from a lyric in a song. Literally, as I looked at the title block, deciding what to write about, that line was sung and I decided, "hey that seems pretty spot on."

So - "All This Useless Confusion"? My life is filled with things that I totally cannot understand at times. Confusion can cause anger, hurt, depression, sadness, and a whole lot of other things. I cant really see how it can cause happiness :P not unless something happens that wasn't supposed to happen, but that is more rare then anything. 

If anybody has by some off chance actually read through my blog, you would know that I went through a lot of heartache over my ex girlfriend, Amber. Several months have passed, and I guess we both have made a heck of a lot of progress. I can tell you what I have achieved from my side, and I guess her side to a certain extent (I'm not her so I cant give specifics :P). I find that the urge to sms her has left me completely. Don't get me wrong, I still miss her so much, way too much. I just don't feel the urge to let her know that anymore, which is a good thing - I may yet be on the road to recovery and putting my heart back together piece by piece. My heart seems to be more at peace, not ENTIRELY, but its not consistently throbbing with a pain, instead it is just throbbing some blood now :) my love for Amber is still there, it scares me to think that maybe it will never ever leave me! If Amber is not meant for me, then how unfair would that be to my future soul mate? My heart should only have room for one girl, and that should be the one I am meant to be with.

The last week or two has just been weird for me. I have never really taken note of any other girls since I fell in love with Amber. I didn't do it on purpose, I just saw girls as girls, I wasn't interested in them in any form of romantic way. I'm not saying I now am, but my word... I think God is opening my eyes up to the girls around me O_o as weird as that may sound. Its really difficult to explain what I mean. Just, like I'm usually shy around new girls, or just normal around most girls. But as of late I'm just seeing girls in a whole new light. "I could totally fall in love with a girl like this" is an example of one of these thoughts I have. I don't think I will for a long long time, but why are my eyes being pulled open even further now? This is just adding to my useless confusion...

Saturday night I went to a social evening with my best friend. I really haven't had that much genuine fun in such a long time. I sat at a table of people that I did know, but more as an acquaintance then as a friend. I started off the evening shyly, but by the end of it i felt like myself. I wasn't shy to just be myself around girls that I do not know that well or didn't know at all. My eyes were opened to them too :P its actually bloody scary. I was just thinking that if, lets say Amber was out of my heart and I was completely over her, and I had a choice of ANY girl that I've taken note of lately... WHO THE HECK WOULD I CHOOSE?!?! Haha :) Im making this sound more like my pursuit of a new girlfriend, but I don't mean it like that :O Just trying to say that I'm fortunate to know many beautiful and talented girls, I shouldn't be so scared of letting Amber go (Although, I do admit, I still really really wish she is the one for me :S damn heart...lol)

Anyways there is a point to this blog, er... I think? Yeah...

So I got home from that evening and logged onto Facebook to check up on the random happenings of peoples evenings. Amber was on FB chat and greeted me. We just spoke casually about our evenings and what not. However, she was in one of her strange moody moods though =/ now without trying to look like one... I'm probably an asshole to her. I wasn't angry with her or anything, it was just frustrating to have her ask questions that she surely should know the answers to (Do I still like her? Do I care for her? etc...) and I answered everyone of them. Yet, she could not answer any of my questions, but merely proceeded with her interrogation of what I was doing, what I was thinking about, etc. Then moved on to asking me what my issue was O_o like how random is that? Maybe I wasn't responding in a way that she is used to, or a way she was not expecting. But there we have it folks - more useless confusion in my life ^_^ what was on her mind? Why was she so intent on talking to me that evening, wanting to force a conversation between us? Maybe she missed me... heck I guess I'm just hoping she missed me just a fraction of the amount I miss her. But at the moment I feel more like a safety net to her. Somebody to love her just in case nobody else does (which is absurd!) I reckon that is why every now and then she checks to see if I still like her. I don't think I could bring myself to say it to her face, not the way things are... but Amber, you should know that of course I like you, and I still care for you flipping deeply -_- I don't see why you could doubt that. Its a little unfair on me, your interrogation of my feelings, when yet I don't know whats going on in your head. Maybe one day we will be together, maybe not... but I am waiting for the right time, and I will be for a very long time - contrary to what I just said in my blog above. I Love you... A lot

Quite a Series of Events

I won't lie, I really don't think there will be much point to this post. I just really feel like writing, even though i may not have anything specific to write about. My cat is currently snoozing on my lap, dreaming some kitty dreams... or at least she was until I started being noisy on the keyboard :) 

So I had my performance apparaisal the other week. It actually went much better then i could ever have expected. I got 95%, and i got promoted to account manager! On top of all this I asked if I could do the articles for the upcoming website, and they agreed. Although, the website idea kind of got put on hold,  its up to me and a work colleage to look at getting it up and running. So i've been given a lot my responsibility compared to what i used to have. I must admit Im rather excited for it (excited for work... who does that? :P). I will be getting a raise which is awesome! I think its about time I stop waiting, and i get around to looking for my own car.

I started watching a new series this week in my moments of boredom - which may I add I have not been for a very long time! Californication is my latest choice of show. I must admit I really didn't know what to expect. I had heard previously heard a radio jockey talking about it every week, and he even had the one song from it as his background music. I was a little taken a back at first, the first episode mostly used sex inbetween each scene. Something not really normal for a series (unless its a porno series or something :P). The story seemed to have something deeper going on though, and Im glad i made it through the first episode. As the series goes on there seems to be less visual sex and more focus on the lives of the characters at hand (Although Im sure the director used sex to get some sorts of poinrs across). I am actually enjoying the story about the main character Hank. He has written several books - one of which seemed to have been a huge success, and which was turned into a movie. That was in the past though and Hank is now a washed up writer. The series follows his antics about five years after his hit book. We see how he interracts with his daughter and her mother (which he was never married to... but he still loves her immensely). Anyways there are lots of details which I don't really want to bore you with - all in all its just really cool to see how Hank is still madly in love with his Ex Lover, and has never given up on the idea of them being together. I'm keen to see how the series progresses :)

I think I am done for now. I must have been noisy because my cat has abandoned my warm lap for her empty basket. I guess I am poor company when I am writing :) lol or something, i don't know. Et tu Cat? hehe...

It is the start of the weekend by my side. There shall be lots happening :O I hope all goes well! This is me finishing this blog.

Performance Appraisal

Another day has come and gone in my life. Its strange to think how time seems to have flown since i have finished my school career. This is already my fourth year out of school! Thinking about my achievements, i have kind of realised that i don't have much to write home about. Sure I'm working, and growing in many ways (I sure  feel more grown up each day compared to the day before) but where is my life going? 

It's difficult to focus on something i want to pursue in my life. One thing sure sticks out though. I have an urge to write, or even to just be creative enough to draw something as simple as a comic. I have little to no artistic talent though (much to my dismay... I sure wish I could be as creative visually as some people are). I am slowly but surely learning to write in new ways each day. I have decided i need to be far more active in this blog - and by that i mean writing about interesting or random things, not just using this as a medium to jot down my emotions or the antics of my life. So hopefully you can expect a little bit more reading in future :)

Tomorrow is my performance appraisal at work. Im actually highly nervous now that it is so near! I really hope that more work is given to me, so that i may grow and move up my little ladder in life. To my knowledge we are going to be having a website up and running in the future, i think i may just ask to be the writer of all the articles. This in essence means i would be writing about all that goes on in my company (Special events, promotions, gatherings, etc). I wrote an introductory article for the webiste a few months ago, and according to one of my collegues it was actually liked by some of the other staff. So heres holding thumbs! Apart from that i hope to get more involved with work and help my company to grow. 

I have certain goals i set at the beginning of this year. One of which is to finish my book. Nearly half the year has passed already and i have barely begun to continue my stories saga! Time is flying by... i need a large sail so i can catch onto it.

Creating a Memory

The Dirty Skirts, Zebra and Giraffe, Cassette, Panic! at the Disco, Snow Patrol and Oasis. All appearing in South Africa's very own CocaCola Zero Fest! I am missing some bands, but the few i mentioned above were the only ones i was actually keen on seeing live. 

Unfortunately this year would be much more different then the previous year. Who could top off a performance given by Muse last year? Not to mention that most of my friends were away for the weekend. Going was just Amber and myself. I was actually really looking forward to it, even though it was just us two, spending the day with her would be great! We also decided to go Golden Circle this year (The most expensive tickets you can get) as we felt that last year not being up close to the stage was a real loss! It was actually worth it, seeing as we got to be so close, had our own seperate "Chill" area, Seperate food vendors, toilets,etc (something that was not available last year to my knowledge)

The day went on rather fast in my opinion. Evening hit us faster then ever. The moon was as beautiful as ever, hanging out in the sky overlooking our event. After Panic! at the Disco we decided to fight our way into the crowd to have a much better view of Snow Patrol and Oasis. At this point my evening really started. So as not to lose each other and the crowd we held each others hand and fought our way through. Bar the random drunk people stumbling around and annoying people who tend to shove rudely, we found a decent spot. I had a feeling I hadn't really felt in a while (not this intensely). I felt like Ambers boyfriend again. I was standing behind her, holding her hands. I was kinda nervous with Snow patrol coming on soon. We both really love Snow Patrol, and everybody knows they have music that can stir the heart and emotions (well at least in my opinion)

They came on and started performing. In all honesty I really enjoyed them, I think they were great live. I can't for the life of me remember which song had just played, but i know i had Amber leaning against me and a song had just ended. She leant back and looked at me. I knew that look, and i knew how i felt. I leant forward and kissed her gently. It was the best feeling in the world! I felt like her boyfriend again, holding her against me, never wanting this moment to end. Unfortunately it did, and the show went on. Chasing Cars was still to be played, i was looking forward to hearing it. As soon as it did come on something surprising happened. Possibly it was just my imagination, in fact it probably was. As soon as we recognised what song had just started, Amber turned around and hugged me, but maybe she only did that because some guys were pushing through the crowd nearby. I like to think she did it because she wanted to. Towards the end of the song, with the moon high in the sky, the crowds singing along, i kissed her again. I couldn't help it! I will never forget that moment, never in my life. Just those few seconds, the way i felt, the high i was on... It will never leave me. Snow Patrol, you guys gave such a great performance, and i will never forget it.

Oasis were up next and the Golden Circle area seemed to just get fuller and fuller. They too gave a great performance, performing longer then anybody else. By the end of their set, i was totally exhausted. We fought the crowds to get to the parking area, which was so full that we couldn't exactly remember where we parked the car :O After much searching, and some annoying moments (i was tired, i get annoyed easily when tired) we found the car, and made our way home.

It really was a Good Friday :P i enjoyed the company i had the most. Too bad it was just a one day thing. Everything seems to have gone back to normal. Im really bad at controlling my emotions sometimes. I just can't comprehend how such an awesome night can happen and she can go back to normal, not having such high feelings for me as much as I have for her. I know she loves me, but I just really wished she loved me as much as i love her. Perhaps it will happen one day, but who knows. Until then i can do nothing but continue loving her, its the easiest thing in the world to feel something for her, she is amazing!!! I wish she knew it, but she will continue to deny it. Only time will tell what will happen to us two. 

Im far too lazy to read over and check my grammar and spelling. If you do by any chance read this, thank you for reading everything else above :) Happy Easter!

Am I Dreaming?

Dreams are the most peculiar things ever. I find it weird how your mind can work overtime to paint a picture of whats happening (Or not happening :P) in your head. People often quiz over whether dreams have meaning or if they are just a ramble of your minds thoughts being played out. I personally think that dreams can have meaning. In the bible God did give certain people dreams, which they understood. Surely he can do the same today?

We have all had those Deja Vu moments. Where you honestly feel like whatever moment you are in has happened before. Ever thought that maybe you have dreamed it before? We cant remember half of what we dream, and often what we do remember is so random and does not make sense. Possible those Deja Vu moments are things we have dreamed before? I don't know, but i could swear i have dreamt certain of my Deja Vu moments ages before it actually happened.

As of late i have found dreams to be really annoying. Nearly every night i have been dreaming about my Ex girlfriend (Who im clearly not over...). I haven't been dreaming anything dodgy, but nearly every night i just dream about her. In my dream last night it was weird. I dreamt that we were driving (me, her and some other faceless people). I was a passenger in front, a faceless person was driving (which i think might have been my best friend) and she was in the back seat. We were on our way to drop her off at home. Upon arrival at her house she leant forward and hugged me from behind. She whispered in my ear "I love you, I always will." before kissing me on the cheek. She then whispered something else which made me happy but i cant remember what it was exactly. She got out the car. The dream didn't end there though, but from what i could feel, it felt like she loved me, but she didn't want anybody else to know it... like it was a secret. Let me just add quick that i dreamt a hell of a lot last night. Most of it i cannot remember, but i remember nearly everything that had her in it. I won't go into details with my other dreams, The one i shared above meant the most to me.

The point im trying to make, is that are these just my thoughts? Do i keep wishing for her to get back together with me and tell me she loves me? Even if it is secretive and she doesn't want anybody else to know? Or are these things that WILL actually take place, or happen similarly. I don't know... i just find it so weird (and depressing, maybe annoying) that i dreamt of her every  night. Im trying to get over her and my dreams are clearly not helping. Its the worse feeling ever to wake up and realise it was all a dream. 

We all make mistakes

We all do stupid things throughout our lives, but then again, we also do some REALLY stupid things throughout our lives. Its a funny thing how you can spend so much time at work doing everything to the best of your ability, trying your best to excel so you can move up. All only to accidentally sms your boss telling her she is crazy.

Yes you read correctly. I accidentally sent my boss a message saying that she is crazy (it obviously wasn't meant for her - but then again, i was not implying it in that way). 

She was on her way out to a meeting, quite frantically i might add. However i NEEDED to ask her something urgently. So i asked her and she seemed agitated (understandably). She answered me - and i realised that i needed to know another detail so i quickly asked her a second question. That was it, she got very agitated and walked to her desk to check for me on her laptop. The question i asked might i add didnt require her to go check it up, and even if it did she could have merely stated that it would have to wait and i would have understood. She checked for me - Still constantly throwing it my face that she had a meeting to be at. I was quite taken aback, because i really did not mean to inconvenience her in anyway, but she really took it upon herself to make it a huge inconvenience. Upon showing me what i needed to know she asked me "Can i go now?" which made me just a little annoyed because i didn't ask her to stay to do me that small favour. She is my boss, if she wanted to leave she could have just left.

Anyways moving along from that she left, and i proceeded to type an Sms "_Boss' name_ is a bit crazy atm. Geez... lol". Being caught up in the moment as i was, i accidentally sent it to *drum roll* my boss. I got a phone call from her a few minutes later asking why do i think she is crazy? Who was the message for? Disrespectful, etc etc etc.... Oh and then she hung up on me :) *sigh* now if we could pause for a second and analyze what i meant that maybe we could all calm down a little. I did NOT mean crazy as in mental, psycho, etc. Everybody has their off day, or off moment and i understand that. I was merely saying "crazy" as in frantic, rushed, etc. Like you might say to somebody "Oh ya things at the office are a bit crazy at the moment" Or "My boss is a bit crazy at the moment". 

So yeah... Im in the dog box. I really am not that kind of person, im not one to get into trouble (not much anyways :P) but now my boss thinks that i think she is crazy. She thinks that im disrespectful. There goes my "just over 1 year" clean slate. I hope she understands that it was a big misunderstanding, because it really was not meant like that. Goodbye raise i was hoping for sometime this year :P lol

Team Fortress 2 Article!

Hello everybody :) (all like 3 of you :P hehe) i was recently asked to do an article for www.botc.co.za. Basically they are responsible for many of the online gaming competitions that run here in South Africa. At the momet there is a Team Fortress 2 Competition running and they asked if i could just write an article based on my experiences in TF2. This is what i had to say :)

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The team crowds around the door, anxiously waiting for it to open. The Engineers are frantically setting up a quick defense to stop any enemies from encroaching on the spawn area. The Medics are busy healing up their Heavy's or Soldiers, charging their uber charge. "Mission begins in ten seconds" the announcer states clearly. 5-4-3-2-1!!! "WOOHOO!!!" yells the scouts as they sprint ahead of the others, to reach the first control point. The spies put their disuises on and cloak, ready to infiltrate the enemies base. Pyro's, Medics, Soldiers, Heavy's, Demomen, Engeneers, and Snipers follow closely behind. This is a battle to win. This is Team Fortress 2!

Their are several gameplay modes in Team Fortress 2. All of that aside though the main emphasis is to play as a team. There is no way you can be successful alone in this game. Sure you may be skilled enough to kill many enemies in one life, but that sure won't help you win the round. The fact that there are 9 classes to choose from also adds huge variety to the game. With many endless combinations a team can have, having the right balance is easy enough to work on, but insanely difficult to master.

Recently The first ever TF2 Botc was launched. It is excting for this community as it is a chance to see who deserves top honours, and it will also allow the game to grow in this country. The are many other competetive games out there (Call of Duty and Counter Strike being examples) but nobody can deny that Team Fortress is unique in so many ways. In a TF2 competition, every team has six players. With 9 classes to choose from its crucial to know what players in your team excel at what class. Certain combinatons of classes work better on certain maps then others. A good team will always excel if obviously, they know how to play as a team. Going Commando (urm... Rambo) in this game can only get you so far. 

I will never forget playing Team Fortress for the first time, me being a Counter Strke player at the time. On a Counter Strike FFS server you can generally do your own thing if you wish. So i was quite surprised to find myself not doing that great on my first play of TF2. All these classes, so many players, where do i go? How do i win? It came with a few rounds of play, learning which classes are best to use in certain situations or scenarios. After getting the basics, you realise just how fun it can be. Communicating with your team, Frantically running around that control point to cap it while you wait for reinforcements. Getting that teleporter up so that your team can move up faster to the "Mini base" you have built consisting of a sentry gun and dispenser. Healing as many people as you can as a Medic, building up so you can deploy that Ubercharge. Flanking the enemy team as a pyro so you can cause confusion and take some out enemies while you are at it. Every role you play in TF2 has its purpose. Depending on how well you do your job can ensure whether your team gets to hear that crazy announcer lady say "SUCCESS!!!" or have her disapprovingly say "YOU FAIL"

For those of you who do not have TF2, consider getting it. It takes some getting used to, but its great fun to play casually with other players, or seriously with a team. For those that do have it, but you missed the chance to enter BOTC, watch how the other teams progress, and learn from them. You could be part of the Team Fortress BOTC version 2 in the future :)

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I dont know if they will be happy with it :) but will see!!! I dont even know if im happy with it :P oh well :)

The Scientist

Coldplay
The Scientist
==============================
Come up to meet you, 
Tell you I'm sorry, 
You don't know how lovely you are.

I had to find you, 
Tell you I need you, 
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets, 
And ask me your questions, 
Oh let's go back to the start.

Runnin' in circles, 
Comin' in tails, 
Heads on a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy, 
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy, 
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh take me back to the start.

I was just guessin', 
At numbers and figures, 
Pullin' the puzzles apart.

Questions of science, 
Science and progress, 
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

Tell me you love me, 
Come back and haunt me, 
Oh, what a rush to the start.

Runnin' in circles, 
Chasin' tails, 
Comin' back as we are.

Nobody said it was easy, 
Oh it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy, 
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I'm goin' back to the start.

==============================

here i am again :) i might be a bit of a blog addict. I'm sure as time goes by though i will have less to write about though. I just wanted to put these lyrics up because they were responsible for me feeling all the sad. Just felt like this lyrics were speaking my feelings so clearly, crystal clear! I have always liked this song, but i hadn't heard it for ages. It started to play on the radio the other day, and i was on my way to work. I had to fight so hard to fight back the tears! Its incredible how music can make your emotions change in a flash. Its a beautiful song, i really love it.

"Come up to meet you, 
Tell you I'm sorry, 
You don't know how lovely you are."

the opening verse really hit my heart hard. Bleh i dont know what i would type out now, :P i just sound like an emo in all my blogs but im really not >_<>

"Nobody said it was easy, 
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy, 
No one ever said it would be this hard."

Having to be away from her is the hardest thing in the world, how can i smile when im not with her? I wish things could be alright between us, and we could just be happy. Nobody said it was easy, but nobody sure as hell mentioned it would be this hard :O!

Anyways :) here i am blogging when i have other things to do. Have a good weekend :) whoever you are

Confusion? O_o!

This is going to be a very short entry. I went to her house tonight because we needed to talk, so we could stop fighting. It didn't really feel like we were fighting, but it sucked not talking to each other at all. Upon my arrival neither of us knew what to say, Especially me. Do i moan at her for being so confusing? Do i just let go and put whatever issue behind me? Or what?!?!

In the end things seem to have worked out, with none of us really talking about the issues at hand. We are like that, Bite each others heads off at one point and like an unofficial couple the next. Too bad tonight was just one of those nights. In the next few days things will go back to normal. We are expected to just remain friends, when quite frankly its hard just remaining friends with a girl you madly love. I will live though, i always have survived with no real damage emotionally. I get over stuff quite well surprisingly (sometimes) I dont even feel remotely like i did with my previous blog. I feel happier today :) which is a good thing! Will have to wait and see what happens over the next few weeks. Ok its 4am here by me, and im damn well sleepy! Goodnight :D

Where is my heart?

Can you believe it? I could not take it anymore, I have finally decided to give in to blogging. There are various reasons i guess. I love writing (surprisingly) and i may just end up writing as a permanent career at some point in my life. However the real motivation for my blog now is to just let go, of everything that I lock away in my heart. I don't want to burden other people with my issues, but writing has a certain healing effect. Take everything out of your head and put it down somewhere and for some unexplainable reason you feel better, even if just slightly. Nobody may ever read my blog, nobody may even care, but it does not matter, i need to let go at some point of my life and this is my start... As much as i don't want to, i think i need to...

Let me introduce you to a girl in my life. Her name is Amber and she is by far the most exceptional female i know, by far the most unique. We have known each other for a good few years, i cant remember exactly. She has felt so many different things for me, ranging from not wanting to be friends at all to loving me. Our history went something along the lines of Barely friends, friends, Not friends, friends, good friends, friendly friends, dating, not dating, good friends, friends, barely friends, nothing. Its probably very compliacted to understand i can imagine, but thats just the rough breakdown over the last few years.

For a good few months Amber liked me, maybe had a little crush on me. I never took note, not for any specific reason but mainly because i just didn't open my eyes to her. I never liked her in the same way and i can only imagine how it must have felt to be her, with my not really taking note of her seriously. She tended to react in a rather, hostile way to me not having the same feleings. No matter what happened though, I always had a rare patience for her. Im a patient guy, very patient. However in certain cases the patience i had for her was beyond me, why could i care so much about one girl? No matter what happened i just couldnt bring myself to let go of her. Then one day it happened, literally overnight it smacked me in the face. I liked her, a lot... How could i have been so blind? This beautiful girl, having the most amazing eyes in the world had liked me for so long, and i turned a blind eye for how long? It was the most incredible feeling in the world. Mindblowing and a privelege to even know such a female. The strange thing is that she had feelings for me too, a plain simple guy like me. How could i be so blind?

Things were such a blur from that point onwards. We started unofficially dating, then officially dating. We made some of the best memories ever, which i have stored away in my heart, forever. I will hold onto them forever... The laughter, smiles, hanging out, being together... Nobody can ever take that away from me. She is so cute. Her laugh makes me want to smile forever, its probably the most infectious thing in the world.

As im sure you have gathered, things have not turned out for the best. We are no longer together. After she broke up with me we still remained good friends, but i guess the combination of our issues together pushed us further apart (mine more then hers, i don't know). As of last week, things between us seem dead. I got so annoyed with her the other day, annoyed to the point where i ignored her for the entire weekend. I just wanted the gap, time to be alone and not have to talk about anything. Time to deal with whats going on in my heart and in my head. I guess it was too much for her. She has since deleted me off all forms of chat programs, and even Facebook.

I have not spoken to her face to face in nearly a week. Its hard, beyond anybody elses understanding. Fighting off the urge to sms her, call her to hear her voice. Fighting off the feelings i have, because if i give into them i may just keep proclaiming my undying love, which im sure is tiresome to her. I don't know how she feels at the moment. Does she miss me? Will she ever want to be with me again one day? what will happen to us? Its the scariest thing thinking i may not end up with her one day! Will she ever look at me like she did back in the day? Where just something as simple as holding hands could cause an erruption of butterflies and feelings. Or is she numb to me now? Never to imagine us being together again. Im seeing her tomorrow, not by choice but im sure she will be there at Youth. How the hell am i going to be around her? I miss her terribly... :(

I love her, more then she could imagine. I always will, even if she hates me beyond anything in the world. I will always be around for her. whether she realises it or not, i will always be a shoulder she can turn to, somebody she can rely on. I don't think i have done nearly enough for her, she deserves the world. I obviously failed... I will never give up on her though, because no matter what she can throw at me, behind her confusing exterior there is a love i want, the love of the most amazing girl walking this earth. Amber... She is an Angel. God has something special for her no doubt, am i in her Future, Lord? I hope so... 

If anybody has made it this far in my blog, Thank You... I appreciate you reading :) I know its terribly morbid, emo, sad, whatever you see it as. I just needed to get it out quick. I know the details i have given are so scarce. If i had to go into detail I would be here forever! Consider this an uber summary :)

P.s please forgive my spelling if any errors. I didn't feel like reading over what i have written. Again thank you for reading, If anybody