Thursday, February 19, 2009

Where is my heart?

Can you believe it? I could not take it anymore, I have finally decided to give in to blogging. There are various reasons i guess. I love writing (surprisingly) and i may just end up writing as a permanent career at some point in my life. However the real motivation for my blog now is to just let go, of everything that I lock away in my heart. I don't want to burden other people with my issues, but writing has a certain healing effect. Take everything out of your head and put it down somewhere and for some unexplainable reason you feel better, even if just slightly. Nobody may ever read my blog, nobody may even care, but it does not matter, i need to let go at some point of my life and this is my start... As much as i don't want to, i think i need to...

Let me introduce you to a girl in my life. Her name is Amber and she is by far the most exceptional female i know, by far the most unique. We have known each other for a good few years, i cant remember exactly. She has felt so many different things for me, ranging from not wanting to be friends at all to loving me. Our history went something along the lines of Barely friends, friends, Not friends, friends, good friends, friendly friends, dating, not dating, good friends, friends, barely friends, nothing. Its probably very compliacted to understand i can imagine, but thats just the rough breakdown over the last few years.

For a good few months Amber liked me, maybe had a little crush on me. I never took note, not for any specific reason but mainly because i just didn't open my eyes to her. I never liked her in the same way and i can only imagine how it must have felt to be her, with my not really taking note of her seriously. She tended to react in a rather, hostile way to me not having the same feleings. No matter what happened though, I always had a rare patience for her. Im a patient guy, very patient. However in certain cases the patience i had for her was beyond me, why could i care so much about one girl? No matter what happened i just couldnt bring myself to let go of her. Then one day it happened, literally overnight it smacked me in the face. I liked her, a lot... How could i have been so blind? This beautiful girl, having the most amazing eyes in the world had liked me for so long, and i turned a blind eye for how long? It was the most incredible feeling in the world. Mindblowing and a privelege to even know such a female. The strange thing is that she had feelings for me too, a plain simple guy like me. How could i be so blind?

Things were such a blur from that point onwards. We started unofficially dating, then officially dating. We made some of the best memories ever, which i have stored away in my heart, forever. I will hold onto them forever... The laughter, smiles, hanging out, being together... Nobody can ever take that away from me. She is so cute. Her laugh makes me want to smile forever, its probably the most infectious thing in the world.

As im sure you have gathered, things have not turned out for the best. We are no longer together. After she broke up with me we still remained good friends, but i guess the combination of our issues together pushed us further apart (mine more then hers, i don't know). As of last week, things between us seem dead. I got so annoyed with her the other day, annoyed to the point where i ignored her for the entire weekend. I just wanted the gap, time to be alone and not have to talk about anything. Time to deal with whats going on in my heart and in my head. I guess it was too much for her. She has since deleted me off all forms of chat programs, and even Facebook.

I have not spoken to her face to face in nearly a week. Its hard, beyond anybody elses understanding. Fighting off the urge to sms her, call her to hear her voice. Fighting off the feelings i have, because if i give into them i may just keep proclaiming my undying love, which im sure is tiresome to her. I don't know how she feels at the moment. Does she miss me? Will she ever want to be with me again one day? what will happen to us? Its the scariest thing thinking i may not end up with her one day! Will she ever look at me like she did back in the day? Where just something as simple as holding hands could cause an erruption of butterflies and feelings. Or is she numb to me now? Never to imagine us being together again. Im seeing her tomorrow, not by choice but im sure she will be there at Youth. How the hell am i going to be around her? I miss her terribly... :(

I love her, more then she could imagine. I always will, even if she hates me beyond anything in the world. I will always be around for her. whether she realises it or not, i will always be a shoulder she can turn to, somebody she can rely on. I don't think i have done nearly enough for her, she deserves the world. I obviously failed... I will never give up on her though, because no matter what she can throw at me, behind her confusing exterior there is a love i want, the love of the most amazing girl walking this earth. Amber... She is an Angel. God has something special for her no doubt, am i in her Future, Lord? I hope so... 

If anybody has made it this far in my blog, Thank You... I appreciate you reading :) I know its terribly morbid, emo, sad, whatever you see it as. I just needed to get it out quick. I know the details i have given are so scarce. If i had to go into detail I would be here forever! Consider this an uber summary :)

P.s please forgive my spelling if any errors. I didn't feel like reading over what i have written. Again thank you for reading, If anybody

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South Africa
BA English and Communication graduate. I like to write stuff!