I Just Don't Have The Power...

Hey Blog :)

So thanks to our countries AWESOME energy supplier, Eskom, I have no power at my house at the moment. In fact several blocks seem to be out. I was out pretty much the whole day, but it only decided to cut out about 5 minutes before I got home (according to my dad) normally, I would really be annoyed, but for some reason I am not.

I had not had dinner, and I got home around 11 or so. AAAH! Quick interjection here: The power came on for a second, I saw my phone start charging! Then it died.... but then it came back for another second! Then it died again. They must be getting close to fixing the problem. Anyways back to my blog! So I had to eat dinner. My mom had dished up for me and left my food in the microwave. Thank goodness she didn't put it in the fridge or else I would have had a cold meal. It was interesting eating in the dark with a little electric lantern we had for such occasions (which at one stage were a very frequent occurrence in South Africa). My dad walked through the kitchen and commented that until the age of 10 he had not had any electricity. Now you may be thinking along the lines of what the hell electricity has been around for more then a century now??? Yes that is correct, and I do not know all the details or the full story, but my dad comes from a little Portuguese island called Madeira (google it if you want to know more ;D) I take it that electricity took its time in finding its way to that little island, or my dad just lived in a village that didn't have any. My dad was born in 1947 so it would be interesting to know when electricity found its way there. The only reason my dad got electricity at the age of 10 is because he moved to South Africa at that age.

So I finished my meal, and decided to climb into bed straight after (not that there was really anything else to do) but I must admit, I am rather enjoying laying upright here and writing in my blog. My bed is right next to my window. I opened my blinds, and I have the most amazing view of the perfect full moon. Quick fact about me if you didn't already know: I really love the moon. I can be walking along, glance it the full moon and literally stop and stare at it for ages. It's quite surprising that I haven't crashed, because I can do it while driving too. It's strange though, Amber is the complete opposite. She loves the perfect sunsets, which I admit I like too, but I prefer the moon. I always think about her when I see an awesome sunset, and I can't help but feel that she thinks about me when she sees a perfect moon.

AAAH! The power seems to have come back on now. Nothing has changed though, I am still in total darkness in my bed. I wonder where my cat it, she always comes and snuggles at my feet when I am in bed. I left my window open and embraced the cold air, knowing she will come inside sometime during the evening.

My one friend Marcello decided to start a blog thanks to me. He only ever reads mine when I have told him to read my latest entry. Lately he has been going through some girl issues himself and decided to start his own. Surprisingly, like me, he really enjoys it too, and finds putting his thoughts in writing quite a nice thing to do. He also keenly mentioned in his first blog how I never mention him in my blog, so this paragraph is for him :P if you want you can check his profile out, he is one of my followers.

Lets hope that Eskom can get this power story sorted out soon... thw world cup is less then two months away! Don't even get me started on Telkom, the internet here has been terrible over the last few days. In fact, I am posting this off my 3G connection (which I would have had to have done anyways considering I am in bed :P)

Freedom Day!

So the weekend happened. Not much to talk about there :P well not that I really have the energy to write about now anyways.

Today was a public holiday which meant a great day of just relaxing and doing nothing too strenuous. The weather has taken a rather strange turn as of late. It's like we were in Summer (early Autumn here is still very warm) but then overnight the weather just changed and it's so chilly now! So staying in bed late was by far the most awesome thing to do. I haven't been out with my close cousins for a family lunch for AGES! Like I mean I see them often, but back in the day, me and my cousins Claudia, Gabriela and Andrea used to go out for lunch with my parents all the time. Then we all grew up a bit (Well me and Claudia, because we are the same age) and it wasn't as frequent a gathering. Anyways, We sat there and chatted lots about random stuff. I must admit, I love my family to bits. I truly have an amazing collection of people to share my life with! Me and my cousin Claudia chatted about her ex, Lorenzo, and my confusing interest, Amber. Her and Lorenzo were really such an awesome couple. I still don't really know what happened to them (they broke up two years ago) and she was telling me how she misses him so much. I must admit, I miss him too. He was such a nice guy to chat to, and it was awesome to see them two together. Ah relationships are such confusing things. I really want to talk about Amber, but I will spare you :)

Work wise, I am back to doing normal merchandising, which is so awesome! No more boring work and what not...

Other then that, have an awesome week! :)

I'm Just Another Stickman

It's 01:17 AM here. Why am I still awake? Oh wait... I don't have work tomorrow! I have the day off :D

I bet we can all remember that promotional work I always whined about, well I am glad to say that this was the last of the 8 weeks, and its over! As of next week I will hopefully be getting back to normal work that is much more enjoyable and interactive. Still curious to see how my company is going to change over the next few weeks. Certain employees are only there for a few months, so who will replace them when their time is up? At least its not something for me to worry about.

I went to Ambers house today to help her mom sort out some computer related issues. Amber didn't bother coming to say hello to me until she needed to get something from the kitchen (which is through the dining room, where I was just chatting to her parents) I proceeded to the study which is next to her room, and I started to work on her moms laptop. Amber walked past the room without so much as a glance and went straight into her room. I knew she was doing college work but I was a tad offended that she couldn't give me one second of her time to chat or anything. Anyways I got over that shortly. I did what needed to be done.

I then needed to set up something on Amber's pc so I went into her room and asked her if I could do it quickly. She agreed and stood up. While I was working on her pc she scruffed my hair and put her arm around me. I ended up running back on forth from her room, to the study, to the lounge (where another pc was) but eventually I was done and sat in Ambers room, watching the end of an episode of series that she was watching. Depending on how the evening went, I was going to see if I could maybe spend some time with her. Not even a few minutes after sitting in her room, her best friend Robyn arrived (also known as Robs). I knew that was my time to leave, plus her mom was serving dinner soon, and I told my mom I would probably be home for dinner. It actually makes me laugh how Robs always says she is scared she will feel like a third wheel around me and Amber, when in actual fact I become the third wheel and they giggle and talk about girly stuff. So I really wasn't keen for that :P

I left them in her room, and went to say goodbye to Ambers parents. Her mom asked me how I was and how work and everything was. I gave the normal answers before she surveyed me and asked "So the only way we are going to see you is if I ask you to come and help me out with something?" I couldn't help but nod my head and say, "It seems that way..." in all honesty it does. Amber only really seems to invite me over when she needs something done, wants something, or is bored and has nothing better to do. Seeing as she has college she doesn't really not have anything to do, and seeing as she hasn't wanted anything for a while, I haven't really been to her place much. Even if she doesn't mean it to seem that way, it really does feel like it. On the odd occasion I know she will invite me over because she really does miss me, but that hasn't happened in a good few weeks. It kind of bummed me out that Robs got to come over because she got an invite or something, I was just there because her mom needed something done. She truly is a confusing female :P haha

When I got home I decided to utilize my incredible paint skills and whipped up a new stickman image for my facebook profile picture. I will put it up for your pleasure :P



I must apologise if all my latest posts seem to be whining, moaning ones. Been going through some strange stuff emotionally lately :) so I just like to get it off my chest.

Until next time, have a great Friday!

Publicly Exposed

FINALLY! It's just you and me now blog. I finally have the chance to sit down and dictate to you what happened over this weekend.

As we all know (I think I have mentioned before) my friend Gruff goes to a design college. The other day he got given quite a big assignment. He had to do twenty model sketches of somebody standing in various different poses. Obviously, getting somebody to pose or "model" for you can be quite difficult, so I can only imagine people from his college sketching people straight out of magazines or something like that. Gruff, knowing I am willing to help him out with pretty much anything, asked me if I would mind posing for him. The thought of standing in twenty poses didn't really sound super appealing, but I would do that kind of thing for Gruff anyway. Initially we planned for me to arrive at his house the one afternoon before the braai happened. (the braai I spoke about last week, where everybody was having super savvy conversations and I was all confused.) I ended up getting there a little bit late, and Gruff suggested that maybe we do it on another day when there is lots more time. Getting twenty sketches done wasn't going to take something like an hour, it would take several. So we ended up just hanging out in his room, waiting for people to arrive for the braai, when a ton of bricks fell into my stomach.

"Maybe I should tell Amber to come sketch you too." He said casually, before sending her a message over facebook. I groaned out, thinking about how random that was going to be. I am by know means super self conscience about the way I look (maybe a little, but who isn't?) but standing and posing in front of my ex for a good few hours, having her analyze me (whether for her sketches or her own intent) really didn't sound that great to me. I dreaded the coming of friday.

So Friday came, and I headed over to Gruffs house. I got there before Amber, but when she got there it was like a bucket of ice had been poured down my throat. They sat down in the lounge, and I stood in front of them, waiting for them to tell me what to do. I was dressed in Jeans and a shirt, because I just assumed that would be ok. They told me to stand normally for the first pose. My friend Gruff loves teasing me, and generally I do not mind. When Amber is sitting there though and laughing at me along with him, well that wasn't the greatest. My next hurdle was about to smack me in the face though.

"I can't see your skeletal structure." Gruff said sounding disgruntled. I was already defiant in my head, insisting that I would not be taking any clothes off. I told him no. He let it go and we proceeded to the second pose. It got even more annoying. Their consistent whining and groaning grated me a lot, but I kept quiet, although I must admit, I honestly kept thinking about getting up and walking out upon the next negative comment. Eventually I really could not take it anymore, I would just have to swallow whatever it was that was making me so sour, and do what I could to help my friends do super sketches for great marks at their college.

"I'll take my shirt off," I said. "On condition that you keep your comments to yourself." They both agreed, but I knew it wouldn't last forever. I took my shirt off and proceeded to pose in whichever way they told me next. My face burnt a little. Even though I wasn't looking directly at any of them, staring dead ahead trying my best not to move, I could see Amber looking up and down from me to her page, sketching me and detailing me as she saw. I know it sounds lame, but I really did feel a bit self conscious, thinking about the bazillion imperfections she is going to be seeing and drawing, and possibly making a mental note of. I kept thinking about how being topless isn't like being naked or anything, I mean come on I have swam in front of her and what not, but I have never had to stand still and let her analyze me. It wasn't long before the next comment came.

"We can't see your leg muscles. Take your pants off." She said with a giggle. I said a flat no, and let them carry on drawing. They eventually suggested shorts, and I again said no. The same little voice popped into my head again though, telling me to swallow whatever it was holding me back, and help them out. I asked Gruff for a pair of shorts, and went to the bathroom to get changed. I went back out trying to feel super confident, but their gazes felt like lasers burning into my skin. Ambers more intent then Gruffs. I know this was all in my head, but a guy can be self conscious can't he?

I can also quickly add here that my muscles were getting very sore. Each pose took around 15-20 minutes for them to do. Stand still in any position for long enough and one or other muscle is going to hurt :|

They did about nine drawings before time was up. We would need another day to finish up. We organised to do it on Sunday. There was also going to be another guy from their college their to utilize me too. Great, me posing in front of a complete stranger.

Saturday came and went, too lazy to tell you what happened there :) and then Sunday.

It wasn't as bad as Friday I guess. I was in a much better mood, and I got on with it. Plus they had enlisted the help of our friend Herman to do some poses though which was a major relief! We took turns doing some poses, but Herman had to leave earlier to be at church, so I was left doing the last few again. The odd comment from them teasing me wasn't really helpful, I dealt with it. I couldn't help but smile though when Gruff laughed and was like, "Fig you have the roundest bum ever." Amber then said straight after, "He has a really nice bum." Haha :) I know that was random, but I really honestly couldn't help but smile at that.

Amber has no idea how tough it is being around her. I constantly glance at her and admire how gorgeous she is. She never seems to catch me doing it though (thank God) all I want to do is be alone with her and just stare into her eyes and hold her. Instead though I had to stand still, not look at her in her eyes, and let her stare at me. Eventually when they were done (by the late afternoon) I was totally exhausted. Sure I understand drawing isn't a quick or easy process, but standing in bizarre poses for extended periods can actually have an effect on muscles.

After we were done I was going to leave to get food and go home, but I somehow ended up agreeing to go and buy food for everybody. Amber willingly decided to come with me. For some reason I instantly hit depressed mood as we got into the car. Amber amazed me and annoyed me at the same time. She annoyed me when she picked on how I was being all sad, but then she surprised me by telling me to cheer up and smile, because as soon as I saw her smiling at me, I couldn't help but smile back. I really don't understand the way she makes me feel. It's unexplainable on so many levels. Needless to say when we got back I seemed way better.

I got home and was doing random things before I noticed that Amber was chatting to me over facebook chat. We just spoke random stuff, most of which I won't go into detail with, but then before I knew it I mentioned to her how I thought she was analyzing me while she was drawing me, and how it was difficult for me. She simply made me smile again, by saying a few things. She also mentioned that she got to stare at me all day without my shirt on, and she quite enjoyed it. Sure it made me feel a bit like an object, but I was just posing there after all, what else was I to say? Hearing her say that she liked the way I looked meant a hell of a lot to me. Most confusing female ever!

So thats pretty much my weekend in a nutshell (even though it was a bit of a long entry. Oh well.) This week I also started my third book :x I don't know whats wrong with me! I am supposed to focus on my first two but I really couldn't help it. At least this third one WILL REQUIRE me to write at least a few times a week. I'll let you know whats happened as soon as I do :)

Later!

I Got Devoured

Ah dammit!

I had this window open the WHOLE evening so I could blog. Then I logged onto steam and ended up playing HoN all evening (Multiplayer internet game) with friends. So much for that :P Had an interesting weekend which I will probably share with you tomorrow then.

I can quickly say though, although I have barely started writing two books, for some reason I started a third today O_O I don't know whats wrong with me. Anyways until tomorrow!

*nom nom nom*

Duh...?

It often makes me wonder, what is actually going on inside my head? Warning: This is not going to be a happy post :/ for some reason I'm feeling so down.

No honestly, what is going on up here in my head? I just got back from a braai with a whole lot of my friends, and it got to the point where people weren't necessarily debating, but discussing interesting questions and views and such. It kind of shocked me that I had nothing to say, nothing valid at all. I tried thinking up something meaningful to add to the conversation, but I really couldn't get anything going. Its affected me for some reason. I can't really explain... I guess its the same kind of thing as when I was in that discussion. I have thoughts in my head but I really don't know how to get them out. Anyways.

It just made me think about my future. This is going to sound so super lame, but I'm really feeling dumb at the moment. I'm 21 years old now, and you would think by now I have some sort of clue about how to be an adult and think intellectually? Bla I don't know, I am just having an emotional night, sparked by mixed emotions everywhere.

And of course, there is always the whole Amber story. Thinking about her these days has me having mixed feelings. The other day we had a random argument over facebook chat. She likes bottling things up, and I was trying to convince her otherwise, to talk to me, let me in so I can possibly help her. I told her advice is advice, and even if I gave crap advice at least I was there to listen. She then promptly told me that she hates me advice. That was just a tad crushing... the girl you're hoping to spend the rest of your life with, hoping you can lead and be a good husband to, telling you that your advice sucks O_o It really deflated my heart a little. I guess its time I stopped chasing, and just let things unfold naturally. Maybe I am not the one for her, maybe I have served my purpose. But maybe I am? One things for sure. We both need to grow up and mature. Perhaps I will turn into a guy who actually gives good advice.

Inbetween writing this blog, I had a chat with my best friend Gareth. It really really helped me, as I am feeling loads better now. I am just going to copy and paste what he said. Thank God for his wisdom :) Master = Gruff, Matther = Me:

Master: Tonight was good
Those conversations are the type I long for...


Matthew: honestly, tonight made me feel stupid
:/

Master: Why?

Matthew: I really don't think about that kind of thing
Im not such an in depth thinker

Master: It's good

Matthew: I couldn't think of ONE thing to add to the discussion, and I thought hard about it

Master: Cause you haven't really experienced what I have, it isn't helpful sometimes
But were you enlightened?

Matthew: no look I listened :)
but flip dude, its like, am I capable of thinking like that :-?

Master: Do u want to be?

Matthew: I really honestly felt stupid, Im not even trying to be emo and/or seek attention here.
I don't know

Master: If you want it then start seeking it :)

Matthew: not ALWAYS in that sense
but
like thinking in general
i take each day as it comes, I don't do such in depth thinking
it just makes me think like, if Im a husband one day
how the hell will I be the head of a family if i cant even think out things like that
lol this sounds so lame, its stuck in my head, hard to explain
I seem to have problems with that too :P

Master: :)
Ask and search
It comes
Don't worry

Matthew: how do i know I don't have a mental problem? :P

Master: Cause I was brought up thinking like that, many of the others adding to the conversations were brought up that way to
It's just thinking more analytically
Don't worry :) it comes
But what's important is if you want it, then search for it

Matthew: i hope so :P

Master: You're not stupid... Trust me

Matthew: lol
sorry i know i sound lame :P
like
i know im not dumb
just feel silly sometimes, because i don't really think lots about stuff :P

Master: Don't fret :)

Matthew: thanks :) really appreciate it...

Master: I appreciate you
Sometimes being simple is what's needed the most...

Matthew: :)

Master: Remember Jesus said we must come to Him as little children, not philosophical brainers

Matthew: yeah
thanks :)
it is something that has been bothering me lately though hey
so in the end I needed something like tonight anyways

Master: What has?

Matthew: the way i think
or lack thereof :P

Master: :)
Simplistic
Less is more : P

Matthew: haha ill take your word for it :P

Master: Haha
Why do people think like we did tonight?
To simplify things...

Matthew: yeah
trev said something interesting
on my status:

Matthew Fig: being surrounded by such intellectual friends who think lots, kind of makes me feel dumb for not thinking as much as they do ^_^

Trev Unter But why is that so impressive? They're just forces. Truly 'intellectual' people can take whats complicated and make it simple-- Grey Donald is a person who does that.

Master: See :)
Exactly what I just said to u :)
We only take those things and discuss them to simplify them
Hehe ok I'm leaving now
Speak soon :) cheers bro, u are gunna surpriise ppl soon...

Matthew: thanks dude :) really appreciate your wisdom

Anyways, sorry I know this was a random blog, but writing seems to heal me :) so I had to. Have a good rest of week ^_^ Weekend is near!

Drenched In Vanilla Twilight

Hello everybody :)

So I haven't blogged for a little while, but I am proud to report that the drought has passed (for now)

On Saturday I attended my friend Geoffrey's wedding. This on its own was a totally new experience for me. Jeph (Geoffrey's nickname) is one of my friends I matriculated with. This on its own is a totally random new thing to me, seeing as he is only a year older then me at the age of 22. Getting married at such a young age these days is practically frowned upon. I have no doubts in him and his new wife, they are amazing together and very mature. His wife is older then him by the way, by 4-6 years or something like that. Their wedding had such an impact on me. I really hope I can get whats in my head out onto this page without it sounding stupid, because in my head this is meaningful to me.

I can't really place why this had been the best wedding I have been to. I guess it comes down to the fact that I know Jeph quite well, I have a friendship with him, whereas other weddings I have attended have been distant cousins or people that I do not know too well. His and Aimee's story is magical. Did you know that he proposed to her without them even dating? She thought that he was going to ask her out, but lo and behold, he proposes! They had been very close friends for around 3 years or so, being on a team that does outreaches and that kind of thing. Can you imagine doing that? Proposing to a girl you haven't even dated, but you know you want to spend the rest of your life with her? That blows my mind... I think about it and I just sit in awe at the thought of such a love like that.

They are the example to follow in my opinion. All my other friends and I who get married are surely going to look up to them as an example and follow. The ceremony was amazing, with them exchanging their OWN vowels, and personally thanking both their parents in front of everybody. I can't explain Jeph or how the wedding was the way it was, but it was just totally them. From Jeph wearing a smart suit, but walking around in All Stars, to the random things that happened throughout the rest of the day.

What really got to me was the speeches. What everybody had to say about the bride and groom. They did everything right. They waited and grew closer to each other before Jeph proposed. They just knew, thats what gets to me. They just knew they were for each other. Thinking about that kind of love just makes my heart pulsate hugely. Its amazing, only a love that God could have put in us.

This is where I admit to being a bit of a girl. I won't lie, I am a hugely sensitive guy, I just hide it very well. I know I got it from my dad, because he is so soft too and can get emotional over the smallest of things. Jeph took that microphone and had his say. As the moments past I found myself with tears in my eyes. He was just so genuine, thanking his parents again for everything they have done for him, thanking them for being the most awesome ever. He also got emotional which probably explains why I was teary eyed too. Then he addressed his wife. Promising her he would give the world to her, that he would be there for her for the rest of their lives. I know these weren't just words to woo her or the crowd, they were from his heart. Man... I can't wait for it to be my turn, where I am at that point, ready to spend my life with my best friend, and share in a God given love. God is all over that marriage, they are truly soul mates, and they were meant for each other. Don't ask me how I know, just look at them. They are not this vomit "cutesy" couple that giggle at the sight of each other. They are made for each other.

See... I have read the above and it doesn't even sound as good down here as it does in my head. Anyways, I can't do anything about that. This whole wedding got me thinking about me and Amber. Don't get me wrong, I am not looking for a carbon copy paste of Jeph and Aimees union, I am just looking up to them because they have done everything right. Will Amber and I be like that one day? Even though we are no longer dating, this June would have been our 3 year anniversary, and hell we have made mistakes. A lot of mistakes, we are not perfect. I think about our future and I can honestly say, regardless of how I feel about Amber, I don't know if we will be together one day. I am the Man, I am supposed to lead her and protect her. I have honestly made some silly mistakes, but thats in the past.

One thing I know for sure, and I will not doubt this. My love for Amber is real. Forget silly teenage naivety, I have been there with her through a hell of a lot, and my feelings for her just grow and grow. To this day, I still cannot understand why I ever started liking her. Not that there is anything wrong with her, but it literally was an overnight thing. From just seeing her as a female, to realizing that I know this amazing beautiful lady. I cannot deny my feelings to protect her and just be there for her no matter what. No matter how stubborn she may be, no matter how hard she may push me away, I am like a magnet that just keeps being drawn to my opposite. Its something I can not explain, but my heart beats it and feels it. The thought of Amber does strange things to my heart.

Is what I am feeling real? Did God put this love in me and point out to me who my soul mate is? I can only hope so, because in my head I think so, but for all I know God has something totally different planned for me. This wedding made me think so much, and made me realize all the right kind of changes and mistakes I need to do and stop doing if I ever want to have my own mythical future, the future of me and my awesome wife, growing old with each other and enjoying life.

Heads or Tails?

This is going to be a random entry :) but let me use it to give you an introduction to what a friend and I will be working on this year. It is called Eggs And Rice. Thats all I can divulge at the moment :P it has been in thinking for some time, but it will soon be put into motion. Without fail, I will be sure to let you know what happens as it happens. I wrote this tonight, not too sure why though, it was just in my head. It still needs editing and what not, and I have no idea if it is interesting at all, but I hope you enjoy!

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My opinion far outweighs your thinking! You are incapable of thinking up the right answer to this situation! I'm right and you're wrong! You reel in horror and you're like "hey, what?" but you argue back. This is a fight to see who is "right"

I am quite honestly sure that I cannot be the only person to have experienced a situation like this. The kind of situation where there is a coin balanced perfectly, vertical with no side flat. There is no head or tails, just the perfect balance of the coin. You yell out "HEADS!" but whoever is rooting for tales stomps the coin down and triumphs to your disbelief, even though the coin was 50/50 (that is as in the odds are even, not the coin was two fifty cents pieces)

How stubborn are most people today? I can honestly say I am probably one of the stubbornness people I know. When a debate takes place, I can genuinely say that I think I am right, and the other persons thinking just doesn't make sense to me. Yet, this does not mean I am right. There are always two sides to the coin. The fact of the matter is, do you even take the time to consider the other side?

Think about the world today. It doesn't matter where in the world you are at this second, there has to be one or other issue in your country you can think about it. Being from good old South Africa, racism or some or other act like that always pops up in the media. It's always the same thing over and over. Black party lashes out at white party, white party lashes out at black party. Assumptions are made. One side chooses heads, while the other chooses tails. At the end of the day nobody really wins, yet the battle in constantly ongoing, and the coin remains upright.

Another example may come in the form of age. You are young, having an honest conversation with an older person. An equal debate rises, but the older person insists that are right due to experience. Don't get me wrong, experience plays a huge part in any situation in life, yet it does not always make you right. Let's take Formula 1 as an example. Michael Schumacher has been doing it for years, and he knows the tracks inside and out. He knows what speed to take the corners at, when to go flat out, and when to make a decisive move such as overtaking or something similar. Does this instantly mean he will win each and every race? Of course not! He may have an experience advantage, but this does not make him the winner each and every time. The same can be said for an equal debate. The older person does not necessarily have the winning opinion.

So where am I going with all of this? Nowhere specific really, but it all boils down to this. Take a second to consider another person's perspective before declaring yourself the winner. The world needs fewer arguments and more understandings. We were all made unique and designed to have our own ways of thinking. Your way of thinking is not necessarily the right way, but then again, who are any of us to judge what is right and what is wrong?

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Man DIes Of Chocolate Overdose

NO MORE CHOCOLATE!

Easter has the same outcome every year. I am not the biggest fan of chocolate, but every Easter there always seems to be like four million piles of chocolates lying around and I can't help but stuff my face full of the stuff. On top of that its like 1:25AM here right now, and due to my late night hungerness I went and got me some McDonald's. I feel like I have become a more rounded shape. Oh let me just add now that if what I say is boring or does not make sense, then I am sorry. I AM TIRED! Yet I just feel like writing right now, although my bed is slowly alluring me away.

This weekend has been an interesting one so far. My little cousin Jesse left my house on Saturday much to my dismay (he had been staying here for the last week) and I must admit, I hate saying goodbye to the little bugger. His company is always awesome! The only good thing of this is that I could maybe finally get to spend some time alone with Amber since she was on holiday. I saw her on Thursday and Friday, but me and her never really spoke much. Friday evening was a bit strange. Her and Clare came to my house to just hang out. Being Amber, she doesn't like asking me things directly all the time so she sms'd me asking if I minded taking her home. I obviously didn't and I replied saying I don't mind. A little while later Clare said they were leaving and got up. I thought I was taking Amber home but to my surprise she followed Clare to the front door. I hugged Clare and said goodbye, but to my surprise Amber was walking to the car. I was like "What the hell?" and I called out goodbye. She looked back, said goodbye and then carried on walking to the car. I was just confused, wondering what I had done? We eventually sms'd each other later and she then said "Are you ok? You seemed weird..." I replied saying I don't get why she ended up just going with Clare and why she didn't even bother to say goodbye. She replied along the lines of "So?" I just sighed and took it to be tha she was in one of those Amber moods that can never be understood or explained. We had a bit of an argument but we resolved it shortly without any damage done.

On Saturday I sms'd her asking what her plans were for the evening, and eventually we just decided that we would decide what to do with the evening when I got to her place. I got there and she was dressed up beautifully, ready for our "date". We ended up going to Monte casino and sitting outside at a restaurant. It was totally awesome! Without it being planned, we had a perfect view of the water fountain, and there was a band nearby playing some classy jazz music. This in my head, was kind of like the perfect date that wasn't planned. I know Amber likes to drink the odd glass of red wine (something she got from her father) and even though I am not the hugest fan of wine, we ended up getting a bottle for us to share. This made me feel insanely grown up... never in my life have I ordered my own bottle of wine to share with an amazingly beautiful girl who's company I got to share all evening. I was feeling extremely tired, and I admit I wasn't being talkative. I can honestly say though that I am comfortable enough around Amber for it to not have been awkward. Eventually though she brought it up randomly, and she ended up saying something that made my night. It went something like this, not word for word, but you get the general idea:

Amber: "We don't really have much to talk about lately do we?"
Me: "I don't see it as a bad thing, I don't think its bad at all if it doesn't feel awkward."
Amber: "I guess so. I just think of those couples that have been together forever, that go to dinner and say like nothing to each other. I don't want to be that kind of couple."
Me: "No don't be silly, you and I like talking far too much for it to ever be like that. At least you like to talk sense, I do all the rubbish talk."

This may seem like nothing to you, but she referred to us as a couple. I know it may seem weird, hell... it seems strange enough to me. We aren't dating technically, but at the same time we are. We are a couple that love spending time with each other. I know this doesn't mean its a good thing, because I can still get hurt if she just ends up with some other guy... but at least I am not the only one that thinks of us as a couple.

The fountain show started. Something that happens every night I guess. We were perfectly positioned to see what was going on. The water spraying up and down and perfectly synchronized to the music that was playing melodiously in the background, I nice classical track. It was surreal, like something out of a movie. Everything was too perfect, like something out of hollywood fiction. We had the perfect table, the perfect view, The perfect atmosphere, and I was fortunate enough to be sitting next to this perfect, astoundingly beautiful girl. She rested her head on my shoulder as we watched the water splashing up and down. I rested my head on hers and we watched as people started grouping to watch too. Just like the perfect moment too, we looked at each other and shared a kiss... Not a peck, but not long enough to make other people make gagging noises. It was bliss, the perfect make up to the absence of company we have shared since she got busy with college. I realized what she had said, and I knew the lack of conversation was my fault due to me being all tired and what not. I woke up, and started acting more like myself. The evening changed from there, and before I knew it we were laughing hysterically with each other, making funny comments and just enjoying each others company.

I know Amber is one indecisive person, and she can just end up with any other guy that isn't me, but its evenings like that one that remind me to remember that she loves me. She may not always show it, but she does care for me deeply, and I do know that. I should learn to stop making bad assumptions, and just let time do its things and move on forward into the future, hoping that she will be there in my arms.

I really wish I could put everything else out in detail, but I am sure you are quite tired of reading about my feelings for Amber by now, at least for this post :P I will spare you the pain...

In other news... I Love Amber, A lot :x

In OTHER news, I am going to bed now :) Its 2AM! As always, thanks for reading, I don't know how you cope :P but I really do appreciate it!