It often makes me wonder, what is actually going on inside my head? Warning: This is not going to be a happy post :/ for some reason I'm feeling so down.
No honestly, what is going on up here in my head? I just got back from a braai with a whole lot of my friends, and it got to the point where people weren't necessarily debating, but discussing interesting questions and views and such. It kind of shocked me that I had nothing to say, nothing valid at all. I tried thinking up something meaningful to add to the conversation, but I really couldn't get anything going. Its affected me for some reason. I can't really explain... I guess its the same kind of thing as when I was in that discussion. I have thoughts in my head but I really don't know how to get them out. Anyways.
It just made me think about my future. This is going to sound so super lame, but I'm really feeling dumb at the moment. I'm 21 years old now, and you would think by now I have some sort of clue about how to be an adult and think intellectually? Bla I don't know, I am just having an emotional night, sparked by mixed emotions everywhere.
And of course, there is always the whole Amber story. Thinking about her these days has me having mixed feelings. The other day we had a random argument over facebook chat. She likes bottling things up, and I was trying to convince her otherwise, to talk to me, let me in so I can possibly help her. I told her advice is advice, and even if I gave crap advice at least I was there to listen. She then promptly told me that she hates me advice. That was just a tad crushing... the girl you're hoping to spend the rest of your life with, hoping you can lead and be a good husband to, telling you that your advice sucks O_o It really deflated my heart a little. I guess its time I stopped chasing, and just let things unfold naturally. Maybe I am not the one for her, maybe I have served my purpose. But maybe I am? One things for sure. We both need to grow up and mature. Perhaps I will turn into a guy who actually gives good advice.
Inbetween writing this blog, I had a chat with my best friend Gareth. It really really helped me, as I am feeling loads better now. I am just going to copy and paste what he said. Thank God for his wisdom :) Master = Gruff, Matther = Me:
Master: Tonight was good
Those conversations are the type I long for...
Matthew: honestly, tonight made me feel stupid
Matthew: I really don't think about that kind of thing
Im not such an in depth thinker
Master: It's good
Matthew: I couldn't think of ONE thing to add to the discussion, and I thought hard about it
Master: Cause you haven't really experienced what I have, it isn't helpful sometimes
But were you enlightened?
Matthew: no look I listened :)
but flip dude, its like, am I capable of thinking like that :-?
Master: Do u want to be?
Matthew: I really honestly felt stupid, Im not even trying to be emo and/or seek attention here.
I don't know
Master: If you want it then start seeking it :)
Matthew: not ALWAYS in that sense
like thinking in general
i take each day as it comes, I don't do such in depth thinking
it just makes me think like, if Im a husband one day
how the hell will I be the head of a family if i cant even think out things like that
lol this sounds so lame, its stuck in my head, hard to explain
I seem to have problems with that too :P
Ask and search
Matthew: how do i know I don't have a mental problem? :P
Master: Cause I was brought up thinking like that, many of the others adding to the conversations were brought up that way to
It's just thinking more analytically
Don't worry :) it comes
But what's important is if you want it, then search for it
Matthew: i hope so :P
Master: You're not stupid... Trust me
sorry i know i sound lame :P
i know im not dumb
just feel silly sometimes, because i don't really think lots about stuff :P
Master: Don't fret :)
Matthew: thanks :) really appreciate it...
Master: I appreciate you
Sometimes being simple is what's needed the most...
Master: Remember Jesus said we must come to Him as little children, not philosophical brainers
it is something that has been bothering me lately though hey
so in the end I needed something like tonight anyways
Master: What has?
Matthew: the way i think
or lack thereof :P
Less is more : P
Matthew: haha ill take your word for it :P
Why do people think like we did tonight?
To simplify things...
trev said something interesting
on my status:
Matthew Fig: being surrounded by such intellectual friends who think lots, kind of makes me feel dumb for not thinking as much as they do ^_^
Trev Unter But why is that so impressive? They're just forces. Truly 'intellectual' people can take whats complicated and make it simple-- Grey Donald is a person who does that.
Master: See :)
Exactly what I just said to u :)
We only take those things and discuss them to simplify them
Hehe ok I'm leaving now
Speak soon :) cheers bro, u are gunna surpriise ppl soon...
Matthew: thanks dude :) really appreciate your wisdom
Anyways, sorry I know this was a random blog, but writing seems to heal me :) so I had to. Have a good rest of week ^_^ Weekend is near!