Monday, August 31, 2009

All This Useless Confusion

So here I am, several months later, forcing a blog out of myself. Quite an amusing point I might add, is that the title of this came from a lyric in a song. Literally, as I looked at the title block, deciding what to write about, that line was sung and I decided, "hey that seems pretty spot on."

So - "All This Useless Confusion"? My life is filled with things that I totally cannot understand at times. Confusion can cause anger, hurt, depression, sadness, and a whole lot of other things. I cant really see how it can cause happiness :P not unless something happens that wasn't supposed to happen, but that is more rare then anything. 

If anybody has by some off chance actually read through my blog, you would know that I went through a lot of heartache over my ex girlfriend, Amber. Several months have passed, and I guess we both have made a heck of a lot of progress. I can tell you what I have achieved from my side, and I guess her side to a certain extent (I'm not her so I cant give specifics :P). I find that the urge to sms her has left me completely. Don't get me wrong, I still miss her so much, way too much. I just don't feel the urge to let her know that anymore, which is a good thing - I may yet be on the road to recovery and putting my heart back together piece by piece. My heart seems to be more at peace, not ENTIRELY, but its not consistently throbbing with a pain, instead it is just throbbing some blood now :) my love for Amber is still there, it scares me to think that maybe it will never ever leave me! If Amber is not meant for me, then how unfair would that be to my future soul mate? My heart should only have room for one girl, and that should be the one I am meant to be with.

The last week or two has just been weird for me. I have never really taken note of any other girls since I fell in love with Amber. I didn't do it on purpose, I just saw girls as girls, I wasn't interested in them in any form of romantic way. I'm not saying I now am, but my word... I think God is opening my eyes up to the girls around me O_o as weird as that may sound. Its really difficult to explain what I mean. Just, like I'm usually shy around new girls, or just normal around most girls. But as of late I'm just seeing girls in a whole new light. "I could totally fall in love with a girl like this" is an example of one of these thoughts I have. I don't think I will for a long long time, but why are my eyes being pulled open even further now? This is just adding to my useless confusion...

Saturday night I went to a social evening with my best friend. I really haven't had that much genuine fun in such a long time. I sat at a table of people that I did know, but more as an acquaintance then as a friend. I started off the evening shyly, but by the end of it i felt like myself. I wasn't shy to just be myself around girls that I do not know that well or didn't know at all. My eyes were opened to them too :P its actually bloody scary. I was just thinking that if, lets say Amber was out of my heart and I was completely over her, and I had a choice of ANY girl that I've taken note of lately... WHO THE HECK WOULD I CHOOSE?!?! Haha :) Im making this sound more like my pursuit of a new girlfriend, but I don't mean it like that :O Just trying to say that I'm fortunate to know many beautiful and talented girls, I shouldn't be so scared of letting Amber go (Although, I do admit, I still really really wish she is the one for me :S damn

Anyways there is a point to this blog, er... I think? Yeah...

So I got home from that evening and logged onto Facebook to check up on the random happenings of peoples evenings. Amber was on FB chat and greeted me. We just spoke casually about our evenings and what not. However, she was in one of her strange moody moods though =/ now without trying to look like one... I'm probably an asshole to her. I wasn't angry with her or anything, it was just frustrating to have her ask questions that she surely should know the answers to (Do I still like her? Do I care for her? etc...) and I answered everyone of them. Yet, she could not answer any of my questions, but merely proceeded with her interrogation of what I was doing, what I was thinking about, etc. Then moved on to asking me what my issue was O_o like how random is that? Maybe I wasn't responding in a way that she is used to, or a way she was not expecting. But there we have it folks - more useless confusion in my life ^_^ what was on her mind? Why was she so intent on talking to me that evening, wanting to force a conversation between us? Maybe she missed me... heck I guess I'm just hoping she missed me just a fraction of the amount I miss her. But at the moment I feel more like a safety net to her. Somebody to love her just in case nobody else does (which is absurd!) I reckon that is why every now and then she checks to see if I still like her. I don't think I could bring myself to say it to her face, not the way things are... but Amber, you should know that of course I like you, and I still care for you flipping deeply -_- I don't see why you could doubt that. Its a little unfair on me, your interrogation of my feelings, when yet I don't know whats going on in your head. Maybe one day we will be together, maybe not... but I am waiting for the right time, and I will be for a very long time - contrary to what I just said in my blog above. I Love you... A lot

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South Africa
BA English and Communication graduate. I like to write stuff!