Friday, September 18, 2009

Guess I Never Did Give Up?

Ah yes, the casual innocent looking blog with deeper ZOMG OH NOES backbone rears its head :) nothing wrong with that I say! The whole point of this blog is to jot down my feelings anyways.

So let me fill you in quick on a little place called my heart quick, seeing as I haven't really blogged TOO much about my feelings for the last few weeks. Amber and I hardly talk to each other these days. In fact, my rough count is estimated that we have been super distant for around 11 weeks now. Sure, I still see her at youth, but thats more like a "Hey how are you? K bye," kinda vibe.  The first few weeks irritated the crap out of me, because I really was not used to that at all. I mean, one second we are super close, and the next we only seem to be at a greetings only stage. As the weeks moved on, I guess I kinda got used to it, although that didn't mean I was ok with this bare friendship I had with her... It drove me insanse! I just learnt to deal with it. One thing that really grated me, was the fact that as the weeks went by, she even stopped saying bye to me. It was the worst, socialising with friends, and then seeing her walking out the door with bag slung over shoulder, without so much as a glance back to say bye. I could never bring myself to leave without saying bye to her, but I guess thats just in my nature.

So anyhoo we make our way to the whole reason that this blog came about. My feelings with Amber were slightly faded, or so I thought, and I was just casual to her eventually. Tonight at youth that all changed though, not really the friendship part, but the way my feelings are towards her. I still have no idea how she feels towards me.... Like, Am I the only side of this ship that feels what I do for her? Or are all her interactions to me just mutual and casual?

Amber painted me the most awesome painting for my birthday. It wasn't finished for my actual birthday on 26th May, and she tried giving it to me a few weeks ago but it wasn't signed so I asked her to do it for me. Tonight after the awesome preach at youth she went to get it from her car and gave it to me in front of a whole bunch of other people. I really wish she gave it to me alone because all I wanted to do is give her a proper hug (not stupid fail sideways super distant hug) and tell her how damn much it meant to me. I did manage to get a hug in and utter an "I really really love it Amber," but don't think she heard me. Maybe its a good thing there were other people, if alone I don't think I would be able to let go of her for an awkwardly long time. I looked at her painting and my feelings peaked. She painted this for me, she put the effort into this just for me! Sure she has painted other pieces for other people, but this was my 21st birthday present, and it meant the world to me! 

God's presence can be so random at youth! Even though the preach was over people were milling about being prayed for and praying for other people. Gruff called me to go pray for somebody and told me that he thinks God wants to release something through me. I layed my hands on Mikey, who really was having an emotional evening. The preach seemed to hit him dead centre of his heart. Others were already praying for him but when I prayed for him he squirmed and fell to the ground, filled with the presence of God. Its not the first time its happened to me before, but the fact that it happened as I touched him really blew me away! God was using me!!! I moved over to Bianca and prayed for her, with the same results. I joined others in praying for certain people but nothing else really special happened (Not that I'm going to go into detail with in this blog.) 

Eventually I was standing at the back just chatting to Herman. When Amber went to stand in the front and talk to some friends. They all suggested praying for her and they started. Herman said "God wants to rid Amber of her sadness," and that hit me. He walked away and I was just left staring at her. Amber has by no means had an easy life, but I knew she was doing a lot better then she once was. But, thinking of her as sad, it tore my heart open. I hadn't interacted with her on a personal level for weeks, I honestly didn't know if she was happy or sad. Sure she has a happy face on in front of other people, but I know from experience sometimes there is something deeper going on inside that people may miss.

I watched everybody praying for her, and from where I was I started praying too in my head. I started to cry, and I have no idea why. I just prayed and prayed and prayed, wishing I was there in the crowd praying over her, asking God to take away any pain she may have, or any sadness. Give her a reassurance that although she may be in a dry season now, The rains are coming. And God has his clouds aimed at her! I feel so connected to her in ways that I cannon explain. I love her so much, enough to cry just at the thought of her feeling any form of pain! How I wish I was a good source of happiness for her. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I noticed her hair, I knew she had been planning on growing it, but over the last 11 or so weeks I stopped taking notice. I cant believe, that she looks even more beautiful with long hair. It blows my mind because I don't get how somebody so beautiful could grow even more so! They stopped praying for her, and I didn't stop looking at her. Only when she sat down did I realise I must have looked like such a chop staring at her from the middle of nowhere :O but I dont think anybody noticed at all.

Youth ended, and after everybody had left, it was just Gruff, Amber and I. Before everybody had left I scruffed Ambers hair playfully from behind, something I always used to do to her. She grabbed my hands and spun around smiling. Something I totally didn't expect O_o My feelings peaked again, some blind hope was there. I let go hastily, and I think she did too, was probably just a casual reflex from her side so don't know why it made me feel the way I did. Anyways we were left, just us 3. Gruff was locking up, And Amber walked towards her car and climbed in, starting up the engine. "Great!" I thought, "The non goodbye routine again..." Gruff and I started walking towards out cars and Gruff even asked "Where is she going?" He waved at her in a goodbye fashion, but I guess she changed her mind and pulled up by Gruff's car which was closest. We decided on a food place and Gruff said he had to go get changed in his car quick (Youth leaders were dressed up smart, he wanted to be casual again) which left me outside Ambers window.

"You gonna come?" I asked... secretly being super hopeful that she was
"Only if you pay for me," She said smiling.
"Sure I don't mind."

*Muses new cd playing in the background*

She loves Muse, like a lot. So I knew she was kinda jealous when Gruff mentioned that he and I ordered the Cd/Dvd Combo which Amber didn't know about (she had just bought the CD alone)

"You know christmas is coming up hey?" She said looking up at me with hopeful eyes
"Yeah I do... but you already have the cd so its kind of a waste buying you the combo."

She sulked, sliding her lower lip out and folding it down. She is so mad, she has NO idea how cute it makes her look. It just makes me want to kiss her :$ Its mad, its just the way she does it, and the way her beautiful eyes look at you. Speaking of which, I missed her eyes, the reason I had falled in love with her in the first place. They are so breathtaking! Grrrr.... This damn beautiful woman is screwing with my heart indirectly with her awesomeness... 

Cut a long story short, We went to get food. I sat opposite her and she said and did a million more things that made me long for her, just  to be with her. Stupid feelings... I thought they were a faded history, there but not quite enough to dominate my thoughts. Now they are back and feel quite a bit stronger. On the bright side though, I really feel like I have more control over my heart, and at least I'm not feeling sad that I'm not with her. Its more of a longing, just to spend every second I can with her. Not to mention that tonight was probably the most time I've spent in her company for like weeks! 

The night ended and now I am at home, missing her so much. Damn you feelings, stop screwing around with me! I love that damn painting, hope I can find a great spot for it! My word Amber, I hope you and I are meant to be... My whole blog is titled "Never give up" because when I started it, I had that mindset, to never ever give up on the idea of us two being together. The idea faded ever so slightly, but its back! Guess I never really did give up.

Amber, I love you, too damn much! 

Link to painting - Art 

P.s if you didn't know it - i LOVE the moon :) Full moons are one of my favourite things in the world! Hence why she painted it.

Im convinced that the little space character she drew is based on her one profile picture back in the day - Space man 

Hence why I'm convincing myself that the painting is an indirect way of telling me she loves me :) 

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South Africa
BA English and Communication graduate. I like to write stuff!