We have barely spoken over the last few months. She had an exhibition recently, which she has been prepping for pretty much the whole year. Throw in some crazy college work and you have one really busy woman. So I know why things have been so quiet, but I'm still a little bit disheartened by just how quiet things have been. I haven't told her yet that my dad has cancer, but I make a point of not going out to tell people because I don't want to seem like I'm seeking attention or anything like that. Its a family battle, and I only tell those who actually seem to care how my dad has doing. Needless to say, Amber has not so much has spoken to me much, let alone enquired about my dads health and such. Regardless, she knows my dad and I thought that she should know. I wasn't about to message straight up though, saying what his status and all that is.
I tried to start a conversation a few weeks ago, something along the lines of how shes doing and so on. I honestly had the intention of just talking about her exhibition to get a talk going. Yet when asked how she was she said she was stressed and didn't want to talk about her exhibition. I pushed a little, at least finding out the date, how she feels about it etc. Then she really said she doesn't want to talk about it, to which I asked what topic would suit her. She apologised, said she was tired and was going to bed. So yeah I tried, but to no avail. I did consider trying again in the following weeks, but I just felt like I was being an inconvenience in her life, so decided against it.
Her exhibition night came, and I finally got to see its awesomeness (which it genuienly was). I really don't have much money to spend lately, so I felt super depressed that I couldn't support her by getting a piece or two. I really would have bought two specific pieces if I had the money because I loved them. It was good to see just how her hard work paid off, and everybody seemed to love all the material she had produced. That aside, that was the first time I had seen her in months. We barely spoke to each other. From my side, I just didn't know what to say. I feel like an utter stranger, spectating this new Amber with her friends like I'm an outsider. At one point we were kind of forced to interact. She found my feet under the table and pressed down on them with hers. I don't know if I was supposed to respond or anything, but I kept my legs dead still. Thinking on it now, I wish I had maybe responded just a little. Still, unexpected from her and I have no idea how I should have interpreted that. Also, she hugged me properly when saying hello and goodbye. Its still a touchy subject for me, because if I don't get a proper hug like a normal human being, I'd rather just not hug at all. It was a little suprising admittedly.
Following the exhibition, she is on holiday now. The only reason I have not asked to go out or anything is because quite frankly, I'm tired of being shut down. So I left the ball in her court, hoping she would make the plans to see me when she is free. The thing is, I would cancel anything to see her, and make the time to do it if needed. I know I am second in line for whatever her life requires, I am the ex boyfriend after all. Its just the way I feel though, and I wish I could change it. Anyways, I did tell her she must let me know when she wanted to do coffee or movies or something. She finally asked to go to a movie and coffee, and tt really made me happy, thinking I would finally get some alone time to just chat to her and just talk.
Of course, there is always a goddam spanner. Gareth got back from scaling Kiliminjaro on the same day, and Amber kindly informed me that she had invited him to come with to movies. I really shouldn't have anything against that, but so much for the social time, whenever they are together I become a third wheel. Throw in a bunch of others, and I fade into non existence. Much like her exhibition, we barely spoke to each other. I suppose I should just accept that she doesn't want to be close to me anymore, and move on with my life. I mean, you would think that after knowing each other for six to seven years, we would be at least decent friends (even after the relationship which ended yeeeeears ago). Unfortunately, I think I am delusional and I should stop expecting her to see me as some part of her life. Even if I have tried my best to be there for her, support her, etc through the ups and downs (some of which may of course been caused by me in the first place), I guess I can't expect her to acknowledge me forever.
The reason I bought The Great Gatsby into this, is because I sometimes think that I hold some of the dreams Gatsby had. That elusive green light, the promise of the perfect
I honestly see myself in that way to a certain extent. I have genuinely made sacrifices to make Amber happy, to try please her as much as possible (and even now trying to stay out of her way so I don't make her sad or inconvenience her), yet it seems like it has all been for null. I barely exist, and she is going to move on with her life with some Tom Buchanan. I don't know if we would ever be able to recreate the love we had, or even if she could ever feel the same for me as I do for her. That green light of mine may only just be a dream, something unattainable. Years and years of this crap, and here I am still talking about it. I must be a sucker for hope, because I guess I will always hope that one day she may see the light.
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