Thursday, September 19, 2013

Seat Belts, Side Effects and Strange Interpretations

It's odd the way the human mind works. I updated my iPhone to iOS 7 today, and in doing so I decided to do a cleanup and uninstall any apps I don't use. I have used the blogger app a whole once since downloading it, and even that was a petty little test post. I uninstalled it this morning, but it's been on my mind all day for who knows what reason. I'm having one of "those" night at the moment, but I'm too garsh darn tired to drag myself out of bed to type at my computer. Yet here I am, clicking away on my redownloaded blogger app. Sorry, I know that's random, but I thought it was worth sharing :)

I've been having an odd week to say the least. The other day it crossed my mind that I may actually be very nearly over Amber. Quite frankly, I'm tired about writing about my problems "caused" by her, and I'm sure you are equally exhausted just from reading my ramblings that go on and on and on.

But honestly, it crossed my mind, and it's a scary thought. Even my sister asked me the other day, "how are things with you and Amber?", and I just shrugged my shoulders, saying I think that I'm thinking about her less.

That's the reason it scares me though, because I know I will think I'm moving on with my life, but some stupid memory or issue will pop up in my silly brain. It did! Last night once more in a dream. Amber is in Cape Town with varsity friends, presenting her work at the Loeries this weekend. So in my dream last night, I was saying goodbye to her at the airport. What annoyed the hell out of me (in my dream) is that she walked to the departure terminal without saying goodbye. I was like HEY WAIT WOMAN, I MUST SAY GOODBYE! So I ran up to her and said goodbye. She sort of shrugged, gave me an awkward hug, then walked through the gate towards her plane, without so much as a hint of looking back.

It seems utterly silly and possibly meaningless, but I was sad this morning. Being an English student, there are a million ways to interpret the meaning behind the dream itself. Is it just a dramatic metaphor which illustrates my fear of seeing Amber leave my life? Or is her being disinterested in saying goodbye a reflection of her lack of interest in this friendship? 

My dad is really suffering from the recent bout of Chemo. During his first cycle a while back, he was on trial medication. It was pretty magical stuff, because he didn't seem to have any side effects which normally follow chemo. 

He has been feeling nauseous, to the point where he doesn't eat at all. His memory is shocking to say the least. He can remember normal things, like his birthday, ID number and so on, but he forgets a variety of other things. Today he went to the shop to help close up. He got lost on the way home, like big time. The other day he got lost on the way to my uncles house. Needless to say, he won't be driving anymore anytime soon, but hell it's worrying all of us. Apparently memory loss is a normal side effect, but seeing my dad act as helpless as a child is heartbreaking to say the least. 

We had to go fetch him. He was with my mom, but long story short; she was in a  separate car to him, and she couldn't get him to follow her. When we got there, I told my dad to move to the passenger side, I would drive him home. He couldn't even remove his seatbelt. He sat there fumbling for a little while before he asked me to help him (I hadn't noticed, I was talking to my mom). Thank God he never crashed into anybody. How can he remember how to operate a car but not a  seatbelt? Heartbreaking I tell you...

The worst is, I think he is very aware of the problems he is having. It is probably freaking him out more than it is freaking us out. It's normal supposedly to have such hectic side effects. I just really hope he can pull through it.

Reason I am blogging in the first place, is because I really am feeling a little down tonight. I am generally pretty strong, I have been trying my best for my mom and sisters sake, but hey I'm human too. I need my own timeout now and then, and this is it.

I defaulted to wanting to talk to Amber about what's on my heart (not about her, about my dad and family life), but she is in Cape Town, and her replies were scarce. I know she can't be blamed for that, she was probably out and about exploring, so I should feel lucky to receive a reply in the first place! I just miss having a good friend to pour out to. For some reason, I really didn't feel like talking to Gareth. This is probably a result of my dream last night. I had Amber on my mind, so I wanted to talk to her.

At least I have you, random Internet audience and dear little blog. You have been a source of comfort in more ways than you could know. I am sane and normal because I offload here, and if I didn't? I would be a different person, a complete mess. So thank you, for reading and being here for me.

Gawd it's late! It's now 1:26am. I think I can finally sleep, now that this is all off my chest. Be proud of me, I typed all of the above on my phone ;) later peeps!

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South Africa
BA English and Communication graduate. I like to write stuff!