Thursday, September 5, 2013

The Road Gets Tough

This has been one hell of a week. My dad has stage 4 lung cancer, the most advanced. Apparently the doctors knew about this all along, but it was news to my whole family. We took the results of his latest scans to another doctor to get a second opinion. The pain in his shoulder? That is supposedly nerve damage caused by the cancer the self. If that is the case, it is irreversable, and nothing can take the pain away. My dad needs to learn to live with that pain in his shoulder. It makes him a completely different person, and I know if that pain wasn't there he would return to being himself.

He has lung cancer, yet he has refused to give up smoking. He smokes behind our backs like a rebelious teenager! I've spent the last few months watching my mom and sister moan at him, telling him to quit. I sat back, thinking that he needs to make up his mind whether he wants to quit or not. I mean, I would get pissed off too if I was trying to kick some habit and everybody was in my face about it. So I sat back for many months, knowing that surely, surely he would give it up at some point. He hasn't, and it's really getting to me. He is acting like a drug addict.

I've spent this whole week being beyond tired, physically and emotionally, and I couldn't quite understand why, until I remembered that I lost it on Monday night. My dad is the gentlest person, yet he is also the most stubborn. This whole condition has changed his whole personality, and I can't quite help but wonder where my dad has disappeared off to. On Monday night something snapped. My sister picked on something, as did my mom. The arguing started getting louder, with my dad denying that he is a smoker. Months and months of ignoring his bullshit attitude came spilling out, and I let him have it. I've never, never spoken and yelled to my dad like that before, but it was stuff he needed to hear. I hope I never have to do it again.

I told him that he is a smoker, hiding away, thinking we don't know what he is doing. I told him that I want him to stop his bullshit, and to stop his smoking. I told him that if he doesn't stop, I will have one for everyone that he himself has. I told him that he has a problem. I told him that he has cancer, and he needs to wrap his head around that and start facing it head on. I told him to stop acting like he has given up, because I miss my dad, the strong hard working guy who persevered no matter what the circumstances. I told him that I want my dad to be alive to watch me graduate. I told him that I want him to be alive to read my books one day. I told him that I want him to be alive to see his grandkids. I told him a million things, which I can't remember most of, and I can't detail here word for word. When I was done, I was shaking, I had let everything out. I have spent this whole week feeling drained beyond my understanding, but I now understand that it was that evening that sucked everything out of me. He hasn't listened, because he still smokes behind our backs.

Dreams? Don't even get me started on the dreams I have been having. They are beyond bizarre, but oddly vivid. Every night has had appearances by family and friends, in completely odd scenarios. I haven't spoken to Amber for probably the longest period of time since I have known her. As a result, she now always makes a cameo appearance in every dream, in one way or another. The random girl at the bar. The strange girl at the show. The odd girl at my house. Stupid brain. Stupid, silly, annoying brain. Its just odd because she isn't even the focus of my dream, but she always appears somewhere! Its ridiculous, you have no idea.

Dreams aside, I think if this keeps up, I might actually be on my way to moving on with my life. I have family issues to deal with before anything else.

This song has been in my head the whole week. It just seems fitting, the lines, "Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough". Come on dad, you can fight this!

Why the hell am I still up? I have an early lecture tomorrow >_<

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South Africa
BA English and Communication graduate. I like to write stuff!