I'm just warning you that today's blog is absent of rainbows and butterflies, puppies and kittens, and all those other nice things that make us go "Awwwwwwwww..." Instead it is filled with anger and sadness, annoyance and more sadness, and all those other stupid things that make us go "Sigh..." YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! Full rant ahead.
Yesterday I got an sms from Robs, inviting me to dinner with her and Amber. I decided to skip the dinner part and just meet them for coffee afterwards. I got to Bedford Square, and met up with Amber, Robs, Clare, and Liz. I was like :O I'm the only guy what the hell. Anyways I got over that and we all ordered our drinks. Amber ordered a cocktail which I think was a Strawberry Daiquiri. It was her birthday the next day, so her and Robs wanted to go do something until midnight to celebrate. I didn't mind going along, because I didn't haver work the next day. They wanted to go to CCHQ, which isn't really a club in certain ways, but they play loud music, have a dance floor, and a bar loaded with alcohol, so I guess it is a club at the end of the day. Some of our friends we don't see very often hang out there, so we kind of expected to see them there. I was skeptical about it, and I held my tongue because afterall, I last saw Amber 3 weeks ago and
I damn sure as hell wanted to be there to celebrate with her. Also if I didn't go, they probably wouldn't have gone either because there would be no male with them, so I didn't want to let Robs or Amber down.
So Robs dropped her car off at home, and I picked her and Amber up from there. We headed over to CCHQ and parked outside. The first thing that they noticed was a car outside. Amber asked if it was Rudi's car in front of us. In my head I was just hoping it wasn't, because Rudi is Amber's ex boyfriend, and I can't help but suspect that she still likes him. We walked inside and one of our friends Cleo, nearly did a back flip and couldn't stop yelling when she saw us. You must understand, Amber, Robs and I aren't huge clubbers or anything, so this really was the biggest surprise to her. Emma and Jeanne were also there, so once again, I was the only guy. Cleo worked there, so she left us to do our own thing and Emma and Jeanne stayed with her.
Robs, Amber and I headed to the bar to get something to drink. I have NO problem with drinking, I really don't. I just hate it when people go out of their way to get as drunk as possible, that just irritates me. We all orded something, Robs and I a Smirnoff Spin, and Amber a Red Square. We just sat and surveyed the surroundings. I laughed at them and teased them because they weren't as used to being out at clubs like I was (not that I'm a clubber, but I have had my fair share of experiences.) To this day I have still not been drunk, due to the fact that I have a high alcohol tolerance, the fact that I know enough is enough, and the fact that I pace myself. Amber finished her Savannah and I asked her if she wanted anything else, probably very stupid of me. She wanted a red Square. Robs and I were barely half done with our first drinks.
Out of nowhere Kyle and Rudi popped up and came to say hi to us. Amber used to have a crush on Kyle, and even when we were dating, she told me that one time she wanted to kiss him, not a very nice thing to hear. I know Amber, I am convinced she likes Rudi still. Normally I think she would have better control of herself, but she has a very low alcohol tolerance, so it was all mixing up in her system already. Maybe I was being paranoid, but she couldn't keep her eyes off of him. I stomached it and ignored it. Robs and I finished our drink, and Amber asked me for another. It was the last drink I was going to buy her (or so I thought) She was on her 3rd drink already, we had only had one.
The night went on, and I really can't blame Amber for wanting to just let loose, because the last time she had fun and time to do anything was her LAST holiday. She had just broken up so she was enjoying herself as much as possible. That and the fact that it was her birthday in an hour or so. Kyle and Rudi disappeared off somewhere, and whether she was aware of it or not, Amber kept asking where they were. Not to mention that very often Amber would just leave me and Robs without saying anything, and just disappear off to chat to Cleo and co, or to just vanish. If I remember correctly, Kyle bought her a Jagerbomb in celebration of her birthday. Robs and I watched her drink it and we both secretly agreed that maybe she should stop now.
Amber asked me if she could have another Red Square. I offered her a coke. She just looked at me and said if not a Red Square could she try something else? I told her that I wasn't buying her anything else other then a coke. She looked like she got upset, said don't worry then, and then she walked away.I was like ok...
I was ordering drinks for me and Robs. I ordered myself a Red Square, and Robs a coke. Amber materialised behind me again and just stood there. I ignored her and took a sip out of the Red Square as soon as it came, just to let her know it was mine and not hers. She saw that and vanished again -_-
It was nearly her birthday, so we were all just waiting. Midnight came, all the girls started screaming like girls do when they get overexcited about certain things, and everybody wished her. She came up to me and asked me if I was still going to buy her that tequila. I sighed, remembering that I said I would buy her one for her birthday. We went to the bar and had one. Before we walked back to the others, she looked around, hugged me quickly and then kissed me. She then walked away.
The rest of the night passed by at a snails pace. All I wanted to do was go home. Amber had stopped asking me for drinks, but it didn't help that she was getting drinks from other friends -_- eventually she headed outside with Kyle to go chill with Rudi and other people outside (they were drinking around the corner) I stomached this too and just let it be. Robs and I chilled inside, letting Amber do her own thing. Eventually Robs asked if maybe we should leave. I agreed because I wanted to leave too. We went outside to find Amber sitting between Kyle and Rudi. I just wished she was more considerate, because my word it was upsetting me a lot, but again I just said to myself its her birthday, let her do what she wants. We told her we were leaving and she was like ok... I also told her that she was coming with us because she was my responsibility. She just looked at me and told me she needed her keys from my car and she didn't want to leave, Kyle or Rudi would give her a lift home. I was like there is no F-ing way in hell I'm leaving her in their hands. Not a chance, jealousy and all that aside, there was no ways I was leaving her to them. She kept saying she wanted her keys and I lost my temper. I told her to come fetch her stupid keys and I walked away to my car which was around the corner. I had full intention to just leave her there then. I needed to get over her, maybe this is exactly what I needed. I got her stuff and started walking back. Kyle had already walked halfway to my car with her. Kyle was telling her to go home, enjoy what memories she had, before it got worse. She held out her hand for her keys, and I told her that I am not giving them to her. Robs, Rudi and Emma met up with us and Kyle asked around telling them to convince Amber to go home. They didn't say anything constructive, and Amber was beyond reasoning now because she was drunk. She asked for her keys again. I stared at her forever, before giving them to her and telling her she's not my responsibility. She told me she knows that. I stormed off, telling Robs that we're leaving. I got in the car, shaking. I'm not used to being angry like that. Ask anybody that knows me personally, I am the least angry person in the world, I have a hell of a lot of patience, but when a girl you care for that deeply, so immensely, practically tells you to fuck off, well I'm sorry that just doesn't go down with me at all.
Robs got in the car, and she was in tears. If its one thing that pissed me off is that yeah fine, Amber can treat me like shit because I'm nice enough to not hold it against her ever, but when she treats Robs like shit, Robs being a pure hearted, sensitive and loving friend, that just makes my blood boil even further. I started the car. I told Robs that I am taking her home and then I'm coming back for Amber, I just needed to vent and drive it off. Robs told me she didn't want to go home, the only reason she suggested it was because she wanted to take Amber with us, and get her away from this place. I sighed and agreed, saying I knew that, but Amber was being stupid. I turned the car off, and told her that we can go wait inside.
Amber and the others were waiting at the door to get back in. They looked surprised to see us back but didn't say anything. I looked at Amber, and she looked at me, we never took our eyes off each others for a long time. Then she turned and was about to walk back in. "Amber..." I pleaded. "Please lets go home." She turned and looked at me. "Dude..." she said, before shaking her head and just walking in. Robs and I stood there, then followed.
I walked past the dance floor to go to the bathroom. There, alone and dancing on the dance floor (by alone I mean she was alone with no friends around her, there were other people dancing) was Amber. Prior to this evening I had never seen Amber dance before in my life, she did earlier with us and her friends. Here she was dancing alone and not shy about it. Alcohol does strange things to confidence levels.
A long time passed... Robs and I just chilled on the couches, or walked around and chatted to other people. Amber was missing, I didn't know where the hell she was. I left it and didn't think about her, or at least tried not to. Eventually I asked Rudi where she was and he said he last saw her upstairs with Kyle. I fully expected them to be making out or something, but I know Kyle is better then that, and he knows my feelings for Amber, and he fully agrees that she can be way confusing. I was relieved to find them just leaning on the railing and chatting. Amber said that we could go home soon. I was like ok... for the life of me I can't remember what else she said, I really can't, but all I remember is losing it and yelling at her. The music was loud, so nobody other then Kyle and her could hear what I was saying. I told her that she was being selfish as usual, thinking about nobody but herself. I told her that although its her birthday it doesn't give her the right to act like this. I told her that she is drunk, and that she is being illogical. I said lots more, and I just let it out. I told her if I never told her, nobody else would ever have the balls to do so, and its something she needs to hear. She looked at me and said that now she's definitely not leaving. She leant on the railing and buried her head in her arms. I told her to stop acting like a flipping retard, before realizing that maybe that was a little harsh. I kept quiet. Kyle then told her that she should go home tonight, and that he and Rudi would party again with her sometime in the future. I sighed and shook my head at him, asking him to give me and Amber a moment. He nodded his head and made his way out. He told me he felt like an ass, and I told him not to worry it's not his fault. I just want to get her home.
I stood next to her and just waited. She looked up at me and told me that she knows she is selfish, but if she wanted to change she would have a long time ago. I told her that I don't expect her to change, I just expect her to be logical and come home. She changed.
Amber: "I don't know why you like me. I don't like you, I don't want to hook up with you, I don't want you to buy me drinks and I don't want to kiss you."
Me: "You don't? Thats strange, because you let me buy you a lot of drinks (my mistake) and you even kissed me."
Amber: "Yeah well. I only do it because I feel sorry for you."
Thats the last thing I expected to hear. That was a real low blow and it hurt. I just stood there, letting it sink in. "Where is Robs?" She asked. I didn't listen. I walked away and left her.
I was shaking again, fighting my hardest to hold my emotions in. I went to the entrance and stood with Robs and Kyle. Amber came down a few minutes later, looking like she was at least ready to go. A song came on and Robs asked Amber to dance. I sighed, because she was finally ready to go. Robs realised this and felt bad, but I told her not to worry, I'll be waiting at the entrance when they are done. It was just me and Kyle. I chatted to him. I always used to chat to Kyle about Amber when me and him did kickboxing together. He knows a lot about us, and he knows exactly how I feel about her. I told him what just happened and he shook his head. I also told him that this was probably exactly what I needed to get over her, because enough is enough. Surprisingly he looked shocked, because I doubt ever imagined me saying I'd get over Amber.
Robs and Amber to the entrance after their song. They said bye to everybody and went to my car. I was quiet. I didn't want to say anything. Nobody said anything as I drove. I dropped Robs off and then proceeded to take Amber home. She turned and stared at me. I didn't turn and ignored her. We got to her house and I took her house keys from her. As I was unlocking her front door she hugged me from behind. I ignored it and carried on unlocking. She went straight to the bathroom once in. I went to the couch and waited for her. I wish I could just be an asshole and tune her off, I really do. Its not in my nature, I just don't have it in me. She got out of the bathroom and walked into the lounge. I got up and told her to please let me out. She stood there. I walked, about to get past her and grabbed me and hugged me. I just stood there, not moving my arms at all. She didn't let go forever. I hate it, I wish I could just get over her. She looked up at me and kissed my cheek, before taking my hand and leading me to her room. Any other guy would tell her to piss off, but I'm not like that. Oh how I wish I was.
We went to her room and lay on her bed. She cuddled next to me and took my hand. She started writing out what I assumed was going to be "Im sorry" but she stopped and put my hand down. She then whispered that she was sorry. My response should have been "Like I care/Oh are you feeling sorry for me/screw you/etc" but instead all I could say was "Its ok." Wtf is wrong with me? I don't know...
Anyways we cuddled and slept, and I left at 5 this morning. I hope she doesn't now assume things are ok between us, because they are not. I lost interest in her, because I saw a different person last night. God help me get over her, please I'm begging you, because no matter how much she screws me over or says horrible things, I can't help but love her. Its a curse, and I hope it will go away.