Saturday, September 11, 2010

Maybe I'm Just Blind

Sometimes everything can just feel like its all going to hell at the same time.

I don't know why, but for some reason I seem to imagine this year being more miserable then the last. This has possibly got to do with the state I am in at the moment. I don' know where to begin right now.

I suppose we could begin with me. Maybe in writing all of this I will realise that it is probably me who being the dickhead and not all of those around me. I tend to be extremely forgetful, like to the point where sometimes, I admit, it is insanely ridiculous. A simple example being: My dad tells me to change the DSTV channel on my way past the decoder, and on the way, even though he told me a simple 5 seconds ago, I will forget. I blame this mostly due to the fact that maybe I have other stuff on my mind at that time, maybe I was planning on doing something else already, and he added that onto my list. Maybe I am just lazy and I forget to commit it to memory. The fact is, I tend to forget easily.

Bottomline is, this small example leads to me forgetting to do bigger chores for my parents. I simply forget, or I get lost in time and by the time I realise I should have done that chore ages ago, the time has past. Tonight started out innocently. My parents and I ordering take out pizza and eating together. My mom started telling me I should use my sparetime to learn how to do handy things, make extra money as a repair man. I hate that kind of thing, and unfortunately, I don't see myself doing that as a living. It kind of tells me that my mom already doubts journalism as a career. So naturally, I'm cold to the whole thing, telling her it's not for me. Naturally though to my parents, this leads to the discussion of how lazy I am. I will never deny that, I know I am lazy, but when I apply myself to something, I am far from lazy. My dad constantly tells me to clean the pool surface, due tothe fact that August and September has the surrounding trees blow millions and bilions of leaves onto the surface of the pool and stuffs it up.

About a month or so ago my parents and I had an argument. I couldn't help it and lost my head. Its easy for somebody to tell me I must just make an effort to remember, but when you are me, you know that you try, maybe not as hard as you should, but you try nonetheless to remember whatever was told to you. My parents don't get that, and pin it down to laziness. Maybe it is, but then again maybe it isn't. I told my parents that I will make the extra effort. One month later, I honestly have tried pretty damn hard. Nearly every day I try remember to clean the pool, and thus far I have done so nearly every day. Unfortunately I haven't managed every day because I did still forget the old day. Point of the matter is, my parents asked me to try, and try I did.

Back to this evening, an argument eventually broke out between us. Well to me it was more of a heated discussion and not an argument. What gets brought up? The fact that I'm lazy and forget to skim the pool. Now obviously in all fairness, I will get defensive because I KNOW I have made the effort to do what I was told, even though I never got an A+ for it. So I raise my objection, I missed doing it once this week. Then my dad as an example, casually says "I always have to phone you to remind you. The one time I called Mark (my brother) to remind him to do it, and he was already outside doing it." I couldn't help it. I took that a bit sourly, because it really felt like my dad was rubbing it in my face that my brother is capable and I'm not. So I lost my cool a little, which granted I cannot justify, but it happened nonetheless. I raised my voice, and all hell broke loose. Yelling happened in a 2 v 1 fashion. Me vs my parents. My mom throwing in her useless chirps every now and then.

You know, I really am not the kind of guy to go out EVERY weekend. I really do enjoy being at home with my parents and just knowing they are around makes me happy. So I brought this to my dads attention, saying I could be just like every other kid my age and go out, party, do drugs, etc.

"OH! You're such a saint for NOT doing it and not being like every other kid"

"I'm not perfect, but you could have landed up with a hell of a lot worse for a kid."

"Yeah you're not perfect"

"I know, I'm a shit son."

"Yes you are"

Wow. That didn't suck at all. I was gob smacked, and stormed out. I didn't want to be at home anymore. There is a 7-9 year age gap between me and my older siblings. They are PERMANENTLY out over the weekends. It just honestly feels like my parents have nobody else (especially my mom) to target, so I'm option number one when I'm home. As much as I love my older brother, it really feels like he gets away woth so much at home. My sister and I constantly argue with my mom, and he gets away with murder while we get accused of small things. Anyways, that is besides the point.

I can never leave my house in a rage. There have been so many times when I have argued with my mom and I'm just like "I'M GOING TO LEAVE WITHOUT SAYING BYE!" but I always say bye just before I leave, because I feel like I should. Today was it. I got dressed, grabbed my laptop and stormed out the backdoor. I heard my dad calling my name just before the door clicked closed. It was dark and I just wanted to lock the door behind me and leave. I fumbled for the key, knowing my dad was probably coming to pull the door open and confront me. Even though I knew he was coming, I still jumped when he pulled the door open.

"Where are you going?" he asked, but I heard a bit of a softness to his voice. I couldn't help it, and I burst into tears. I told him I didn't know, but I just wanted to leave. He told me to come back inside so we could talk. Big mistake. I went back inside, and the soft talking turned back to yelling in the blink of an eye. The outcome? He told me he will never ask me to do anything for him again, he will let me be my own boss. I was just like :-? What solution is that? I'm not even asking for that. I left.

And here I am, sitting at Lulu's. The awesome 24 hour coffee shop my friends and I come to every bow and then. I'm glad I didn't bump into anybody,I was still uber depressed when I got here and I still am. At least I feel a bit better, having gotten all of that out of the way. By the time I get home my parents will probably be sleeping, and will probably be very sour to me over the next few days.

In all of the above, that is from my perspective, so it might seem like I am right, or sound like I am egging my side of the story on. I probably am, and if my parents had blogs, they would probably write their own version of how they interpreted the evening. Maybe I am blind, and I have issues, which is why I argue lots with my parents.

Not to mention that I was already upset earlier on in the day with Amber. She wants me for some college project she is doing. She needs to film me doing some random stuff to she can animate me. So before she got to my house today we chatted over gtalk. She told me I had been a bit "offish" lately. I was just like O_o? I didn't quite know what to say, maybe I had been offish to her, but thats because I have my own issues I'm going through, and the fact is she is way confusing.

She arrived at my house later and she seemed tired. She didn't want to do her college work anymore so I said ok, lets do it some other time. We ended up going to Bedford for lunch. Things seemed ok, we made some small talk, I stared at her when she wasn't looking, realising how sickening the thought of losing her makes me feel. It made me feel even worse thinking that she probably doesn't feel the same about me, because she never really made eye contact with me much, and kept looking anywhere else but me. After the meal I was strongly reminded of the other day when I went to her house to fetch the Wii. This is the last place she wanted to be and she seemed bored to death. She went very quiet, and I didn't really know what else to bring up to talk about. Do you still like me? Are you over me? Is there somebody else? Whats the story. I don't know. I paid and we left. We like honestly barely spoke all the way to my house. She asked me to turn her car around so it would be easy for her to leave (we were in her car not mine) I was like :-? are you leaving now? Then she said yeah she is tired. I just went quiet. I kept telling myself that when I hugged her goodbye, I was going to tell her I love her, even if she or I don't quite get it. I turned the car around, we hugged briefly, she got in her car. I missed the opportunity. I hoped she would open the window to say bye. She never did, and just drove off. *sigh* I was so sad. She doesn't seem to like spending time with me anymore

Granted, maybe she was tired... I went inside and was on my pc playing games. She sat on gtalk all afternoon through to the evening. Some nap she had O_o

Yet again, maybe Amber has her own story, and this tells it from my side, I'm probably the dick, being all insecure or hopeful about her, or whatever. I'm gonna chill here at Lulu's till I feel better, then going to go home, sleep, and feel better tomorrow morning. Sorry if this post is emo, they have to be posted ever now and then, I'm only human after all.

1 comment:

  1. Figgy.. chin up mate! You're always helping me up when I'm down, wish I could do the same but I'm not as good at giving advice. I can't picture you being sad and this distresses me somewhat, because like you said, we're all human and we all make mistakes. It just seems that bringing Amber into this was a bad idea, although it probably could not have been helped. When you're sad your gaurd is down and from what I've read, one wrong moment with Amber can be a night or two of silent, mournful contemplation. Godspeed Matt!


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BA English and Communication graduate. I like to write stuff!