Saturday, January 16, 2010


VIOLENCE! DEATH! And all these things that follow :O

I don't know why I am feeling the way I do now. I feel so irritated, annoyed, angry, tired, sad, etc and all at the same time. It was bound to come about again sooner or later. I think all of this has come about from me feeling anxious or something.

All around me my friends who were making plans for this year, have had their plans come through and have a game plan for the rest of the year. I am NOT jealous of them, I am so grateful that certain things have happened for certain people and they can pursue their dreams.

I guess my "irritated" feeling started yesterday after youth. Amber told me a little while ago that she got into the college she had applied too, which was such rad news because its like the ideal place for her and its her dream to study there. One issue though was money. In my opinion that college is INSANELY expensive per year, and because it is design related, as a student you are expected to buy a Mac loaded with the relevant software. All that stood between Amber and it now was a student loan. She told me though that her dad said it wouldn't work out this year (for reasons that she never shared with me.) I was so bummed for her, feeling like "thats not so fair... rich kids get to study what they want and don't even appreciate it or just drop out." I even went so far as to set aside some savings and budget, so that by same chance if she still went to college, I'd contribute to her Macbook... I only want the best for her. I even prayed for things to just work out for her.

So surprise surprise when Friday came along. I hadn't seen her since like the week before. She didn't come to youth but she popped up afterwards to see what we were all doing. When most of the kids had left, It was Amber, Gareth, Clayton, Clare, Robs and I sitting in the hall. Gareth just looked at Amber and yelled, "STUDENT!" She looked him, smiled softly and was like, "shut up." Gareth smiled and yelled, "STUDENT!!!" even louder. Gareth is going to this college too, so he knew about Amber applying and whatnot, because they would be carpooling if she got in. I was like what the hell, I thought it wasn't going to work out? I enquired excitedly, "So you are going?!" She looked at me and was like "Yeah, turns out my dad doesn't even need a loan"

I was insanely happy for her, and yet, another feeling bubbled up in me. Sadness? What the hell? "Why didn't she tell me?" was all my mind could think. Amber has sometimes confronted me about the fact that she shares everything with me and I share so little with her. I have told her though that she is being silly because 9/10 times I tell her anything important happening in my life first before sharing it with anybody else. I know its VERY selfish of me, that I could let a sad feeling engulf me instead of joy for her. I guess I just expected her to at least sms me, call me, or ANYTHING, to tell me such news like that. Guess I was wrong.

Writing these blogs can be so annoying sometimes =/ I have so much more in my head I want to share, but for your sake I'm trying to keep this short. (In which case I have already failed :P)

Further adding to me woes was today. Amber had arranged with me beforehand to go to her house to sort out a printer for her mom. I arrived their today, greeted her and her mom, and proceeded to get done what needed to be done. Amber kept popping in and out of the room to keep me company. She sometimes she randomly hugged me from behind while I was on the chair sorting stuff out on the laptop. I know when Amber has missed me, and when acting like this, I know she had missed me and was glad I was there. She scruffed my hair, hugged me from behind, tickled my neck, etc... which in my book is all signs of affection. Eventually though I was leaning back and chatting to her. She smiled and leant in, looking me deep in the eyes. I was like wtf, she always catches me off guard and it makes it INSANELY hard to fight her off or pull away. She enchants me each and every time =/ she got closer and closer, not blinking... staring at my lips. she was a centimeter away. And then she stopped. To my dismay she pulled away and laughed nervously. I just kept quiet and looked at the pc screen, disappointed and annoyed. She hugged me and then let go.

"Cleo and I made a slap bet." She said to me.
"Oh? Slap bet about what?" I asked curiously.
"That I wouldn't do this kind of stuff with you for a month, and that she wouldn't get up to mischief in Cape Town."

I was bubbling on the inside. Not at the fact that Amber was going to not kiss me for a month, but for the fact that she had probably shared some stuff about us to Cleo. Things that to me are special and personal, stuff I wouldn't tell to the nosiest person I know. I guess it didn't stop Amber though. The slap bet was on, inspired by a share of stories. >_< on top of that, it just further pushes me into a place of not knowing what Amber and I are. We are not friends... We are not dating... What the hell are we then? Sure the no kissing for a month thing is a start to us just being friends. But dammit... can't she just REFRAIN from putting my heart in a place like she did today? When she leant in like that...?

Maybe I am just being insanely stupid? Perhaps I am overreacting? Afterall... I share stuff about my life and Amber that I know is going to be read by certain people, and possible others in future? I doubt she would be happy to read half the stuff I have said about her. I'm sorry it always comes out that way... I only tend to write about the bad stuff, and never anything good. Maybe thats because its easier to look back and read about the bad, instead of making my heart break by looking back and reading about all the awesome moments we have had.

I could go on even more >_< but I will save you the time and end here :) At least I am making progress with my blogging. All I need to do now is make progress on where I want to be by the end of this year.

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South Africa
BA English and Communication graduate. I like to write stuff!